TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I'm sorry to hear about your old cat. Pets can be comforting ❤️ and you can always speak to them when you have nobody to talk to, they may not understand, but hey. My sister would probably talk to our cat if we got one, especially after watching a tv show where the protagonist would talk to his horse about his personal feelings. Me and my sister were looking at cats for adoption earlier this year. Maybe we would get one once we figure some things out of living arrangements, we will see. Cats can be quite naughty, they stay babies forever, and can be very very jumpy. I hope your knee recovers up soon, injuries can be hard.

To be honest with you, I know nothing about footy. I would need someone to explain the game to me. PE wasn't my best subject at school, and I was very clumsy. Though I do find my body does better if I incorporate gym exercises and walks, so I do that, that's life as a bendy person. Though with caution, sprains are not fun.

Volunteering and studying can be manageable if you plan. I'm also doing one less subject, so it's not too bad. So many other students can work and study, don't think that's feasible for me especially with chronic pain and mental health concerns. But it's okay, we can only do what we can. I don't intend to move out of my family's home until I get married, so it's not too bad financially.

[Zoe7]

Every cat has their own little personality and crazy things they do. My old cat was just precious. She never caused any hassles, never scratched anything nor jumped where she shouldn't. She also had her own room. The old veranda is closed in and I made that her room. I had a baby gate across the door so Toby could not get in - so that was just her place. I have closed that door now and nobody is allowed in - just can't bring myself to do anything with all her things.

Clover is very different - she is fearless and loves chasing bugs and lizards. I often turn the outside light on at night to watch her chase the bugs lol She also loves Toby - quite often she will come running from nowhere to pounce on him then run again waiting for him to chase her ...and he usually does. They are sooo adorable together. Toby does get a little jealous sometimes when I am having Clover cuddles but mostly he just accepts it is her turn. He does snuggle next to me though to let me know he is there and it is his turn next lol

I think you are very wise in what you can and cannot achieve - and doing everything right to find that balance between everything. It s not easy studying and working (even if it is volunteer work). especially with chronic pain and a MI - so give yourself the credit you deserve. You are doing a lot and you should be proud of what you are achieving @creative_writer 👍😁

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 yes, they definitely have their own personalities. I can definitely see that with the outdoors cats I’ve been seeing lately. Some cats love you, others are afraid of you and some judge you. I think cats are generally confident and think they are the best cat. Imposter syndrome probably doesn’t exist. Yes, animal jealously is real. There were two cats fighting for my attention when I went for a psych appointment. My psych has her clinic on a farm, so she can do equine therapy with some of her clients. The cats were both trying to crawl up my leg, and I could feel their claws beneath the trousers I was wearing. Some dogs can be cute too, Toby does sound cute, but I’ve sort of been afraid of dogs and I’m a big germaphobe.

I think it’s really hard for some people to understand the struggles of chronic pain and MI. And sometimes it hard to not compare yourself to others. Nobody really knows your and you do. I guess I never really considered studying 3 subjects and volunteering much work. I think it’s hard to recognise qualities in yourself. But you are so sweet 😊❤️

[Zoe7]

I never really considered myself a dog person @creative_writer until I met Toby. I was at a pet shop to get a new fish tank and there he was. There were two of them but Toby ran straight to me and jumped into my lap. He was so small he could fit in my hands - and he has not left my side since. ...I did not get the fish tank lol All the way home I was shaking my head and saying what have I done - it certainly was not planned and I had nothing set up for a dog ...but he took my heart. I had him with me constantly for 3 weeks - took him to work, into shops (even those that didn't like it!!). I did not sleep for weeks - checking on him constantly to make sure he was breathing and okay ...it was just like having a newborn LOL I also said he would not be allowed on the bed but that only lasted a few weeks ...he still sleeps on the pillow next to me 😛 So now I say I am a cat person who also loves dogs 🐶😺💗

This is my precious fluffball...

[creative_writer]

Omg he’s so cute, looks pretty harmless. I think I’m more scared of those guard dogs. My mum’s cousin had a guard dog for her house. It once got loose this one time, the dog was sick and was so close to being bitten. But it must be great to get home to greet your fur babies and have them take care of you 😍😍. I hope you are doing well today ❤️.

Been a bit warm here today again, had to take it easy this afternoon, can get a bit lightheaded.

[creative_writer]

Woke up super early today and had trouble going back to sleep, even the sleep I got today wasn’t amazing. Feeling really frustrated and edgy, it’s hard not to think about things in bed.

[Zoe7]

I don't spend any time in bed that I don't have to @creative_writer It can be a pretty triggering place for me and so I try not to let those thoughts in. I do spend a lot of time asleep on the couch - if I wake up during the night that is where I end up and can easily fall asleep on the couch and just stay there. It also helps me when I have nightmares and/or anxiety about going to bed - so I have set up the couch for just such times ...and that is working for me. I used to have a tv in the bedroom as well but no longer have that ...the bedroom is for sleep (when I can) and occasional fur baby snuggles but nothing else. It has helped me feel safer and more secure in my own space.

How has your day been otherwise?

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I think the sleep deprivation didn’t help. I get migraines from sleep deprivation. I think it didn’t help that I woke up startled from hearing noise, which was probably because of my half asleep state. I freaked out. Generally sleep was very disrupted even before I woke up. And then I’ve just been thinking about the past, I wish it was so easy to let go. And these complex emotions and thoughts can be very overwhelming Honestly, don’t know what else to do but try to sleep. Feeling really sleepy from meds now.

[creative_writer]

I feel like other people are able to get on with their own lives and here I am brooding over the past, still stuck, still on the mend. I get that many people have their own issues, and that life is imperfect, many people can go through traumatic experiences but still reach contentment, but I always feel as though I’m the unhappy one, like there is something wrong with me for feeling this way.

[Paperdaisy]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you for feeling the way you do @creative_writer We are all different and cope with things in our own ways and in our own time. One foot in front of the other 💝 Here with you.