TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[Former-Member]

Afternoon @creative_writer,

I don't think we've chatted before (apologies if we have), I'm an online peer support worker at SANE. I pop in to posts here and there, and I've been making a few new forum friends along the way, so I'm pleased to have made your online acquaintance 😊

There was something about your post that struck a chord with me this morning, I think it's because I can really relate to what you've expressed here – that feeling of the world moving on and also making the comparison to others who've experienced trauma, yet seem better able to get on with life. Until quite recently, I felt just as you've expressed.

The complexity and experience of trauma, as you know, can be so varied that one can't possibly compare to another. Things take time, and sometimes that can be an incredibly frustrating and upsetting process. It sounds like that might ring true for you?

I'm really pleased to hear a few things in your posts, namely that despite having a bad experience with a therapist (or two?) that you care enough for your wellbeing to persist in finding that support you need. That is huge, you have your own back, there is clear strength in that. But also, you're able to reach out and offer support and share your experience with others, I think that demonstrates compassion and empathy (super hero strengths in my humble opinion). 

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. Your emotions are valid, they are very likely to make sense in the context of your experience, and despite them probably feeling quite uncomfortable at times, emotions like these are often there to guide you to the place you deserve to be, one of inner peace and pride within yourself.

Thank you for posting here today with honesty and openness, I'm sure that your being able to share your feelings will help others identify with their own. 

Here to chat if you need.

Rhye ☘️

[creative_writer]

@Paperdaisy sometimes I do struggle with accepting my emotions, I know by trying to push them away. I know it can make things worse. I need to work on being okay with not being okay.

@Former-Member, I don't think we've previously spoken either. Nice to meet you too 🙂 . I know trauma is complex, I think I've just be crankier than normal again, like I'm actively looking for things about myself to make myself feel worse. I think I'm definitely feeling frustrated about taking a while, I just want it to be over, but I know it doesn't work that way.

It's hard, like I'm thinking about it all till I'm sick and blue in the face. I just feel really hurt. It's a very heavy secret I feel like I have constantly carry. I feel like I have to act goofy in front of people, I do it automatically without thinking. I also feel at times it's not socially apropriate for me to talk about trauma. I know it wasn't my fault, its still hard to shake the shame off. I'm afraid people won't understand. They won't believe me. Or will tell me to just move on since it's in the past. It's not easy for to simply just try to be "positive" too.

Now, that I think about it, I wonder if this weeks stuff for one of my units at uni was a bit triggering. Migraines definitely didn't help either.

[Former-Member]

Hey @creative_writer, the one thing I want to say is probably something we all need to hear, and that is – don't be so hard on yourself. You are wading through the undercurrent of the thing/things that were done to you in your past and you're trying to live your life whilst processing that trauma. That isn't what I'd call a walk in the park, would you agree?

I'm not sure where you're at in your recovery process but one thing we know is that these things usually aren't linear. It's not like a broken leg that after 12 weeks you can kick a ball or ride a bike again. Some weeks we're kicking all the goals, then some weeks we're on the couch in tears. All of this is just as it should be, and time whilst it can feel like the enemy, can actually be a healer.

As for social norms, yes they're implicitly woven in to certain social settings, but I tend to feel that so long as we are true to ourselves and carry within us our own sense of dignity and pride, as well as respect for others, I think we're all free to be. Our stories are what make us, though can feel like they sometimes break us, ultimately sharing stories like you have here today is what unites us.

One thing is for certain, we see you, we hear you, we believe you. There is never any pressure here to be "positive" for the sake of it. You are safe and free to express all parts of you.

If you feel that the uni content has triggered you this week, go gently with it and yourself. It will be there when you're ready to engage with the content again. Your migraine just might thank you for it 😉

Rhye ☘️

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member, yes, it's definitely not a walk in the park. I think it's better seeing it as riding waves in a boat. Sometimes the weather is really bad, and sometimes the ocean water seeps in too, and it can feel as though you're drowning. Other days the weather is lovely and you stay dry. It can even change moment by moment.

I feel people are a bit more open here in Australia (though can't say stigma doesn't exist, but we've gotten better) than from my parents' birth country (particularly for my parents and grandparents generations). This can be a good thing, but triggering at the same time. Some people are more understanding. But I feel talking about it definitely helps me feel less alone. The effects of trauma are real and can feel very isolating. Can make you feel you're alone in it all. It's about talking to the people who make you feel less alone.

[Former-Member]

Beautifully analogy @creative_writer. Waves, some big and some small, but just like the ocean it's ever changing. 

The isolation that comes along with healing from trauma can feel quite profound. Couple that with families of origin being somewhat tricky at times, which is why I believe we're so lucky to have forums like this to share our stories and to foster a sense of belonging.

I hope the next few days, or even moments, are filled with even a small sense of community, and that you're able to acknowledge the immense work you've done to get to where you are today 💙

[Zoe7]

Complex emotions and thoughts can be so overwhelming @creative_writer It is hard to unpack them or see them as a linear train when the fog is keeping them all muddled up. A lack of sleep just exacerbates them and we find ourselves feeling even worse as a result. If you need more sleep then do so - our minds and bodies cannot function properly with a lack of sleep nor can we handle the usual day to day let alone all those added emotions without sleep. 

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member my parents migrated from Pakistan and had us all here. It’s a very different culture. I find myself choosing aspects of both cultures and integrating them to make my own unique culture. But I used to feel the pressure of not talking about certain things, but I realised that it’s okay. There are people out there who are willing to listen. I don’t necessary need to talk to my parents about it. I feel really welcome here and don’t feel as alone anymore ❤️

@Zoe7 sleep deprivation definitely did not help. I slept okay today, but my body is still very exhausted. Sleep deprivation triggered a migraine attack. The attack hasn’t worn off yet. Though I’m still feeling sleepy, but I naturally feel very groggy because of MI and chronic pain. I’m due for a blood test, will see when that happens to get things checked out.

[creative_writer]

I’ve had a lot on my mind this morning while working on my assignment. Just sort of wish I could just think about assignment than having my mind drift off to other things. I know sometimes it takes a while to heal, particularly if the trauma happened over a period of time, but at times I feel impatient and frustrated. Maybe it would’ve been easier if it didn’t happen over such a long time, and I had more social support. My trust issues don’t help. But what can you say when you’ve had moments when you’ve felt invalidated, been called too sensitive and perhaps even medically gaslighted by an old therapist. Kind of makes me not want to open up about the deep personal trauma I experienced at 19. It stopped sometime in my 20s. It just makes me frustrated thinking about it. It has affected my self worth. I want to feel like a dignified human being. Like I’m not vulnerable for being young and female. I certainty don't want to be treated like an object. Having had to study feminist therapies in social work has been a bit challenging, and even triggering.

[Zoe7]

At any age experiencing trauma is difficult but when you are starting to build your own identity and that sense of self worth is taken away, it becomes even harder to overcome @creative_writer It does take time to get any of that back but work on the little things you can control right now. You are coming out the other side doing something you want to do, you are reaching out for support which takes incredible courage, and you are obviously very insightful into what you need yourself so half the battle is won. Keep pushing forward little by little, keep finding those things about you that you love yourself, and above all - do not let anyone make you feel less worthy, less important or less valuable in this world. Keep that hope alive, keep doing the work you need, keep listening to your body and mind and do what you need each day to get through and/or thrive. It may seem a long road at present but at least you are on that road. I have faith in you 💗

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I guess you can only gradually build up your self worth and learn to take control over your life. Sometimes it’s hard not to internalise things, it’s only natural to feel disgusted with yourself. But it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me.

Just trying to get through today slowly. Breaking free from this migraine cycle has been hard. It’s been hard to cope with difficult feelings and thoughts too.