Being real

[kristin]

Hi all,

I'm having a real sh1t of a day. My 6yo needed her hair checked this morning (itchy scalp, headlice sign) but spat the dummy after just checked a third. I really got so angry with her (she started screeching at me) that I nearly puled her hair as it sat in my hand. I managed to let go instead but it was very much a n act of will. That's set the scene for the day. My ex had to cajole her into lettinghim finish her hair (xcept he can't even see as well as me so i still don't know if she has lice!).

We managed to get to her Theraplay session on time thankfully but she was rather unco-operative so very frustrating. Dropped her at school on way home.

Picked up the mail from the PO and drove home. What a mistake! Mail included a $185 fine (merry christmas!) for speeding, and a letter from the lawyers representing the bullying bastard I have been grappling with for over 6 montshs now. Every time I think it's dealt with they wait 6 weeks then send me more letters. I'm not even game to open it until I see my therapist tomorrow, as I know I will probably hit the roof. I've been feeling very triggered anyway because of Xmas - it's an "anniversary" for me. So I've been having the rampant self-hatred raving at me all day. I do not love it.

It helped a little to go and sit on my log in the river, I even stuck my feet in the cold water which helped a lot. I nearly hopped in, but I'm a bit afraid of water so I rarely go swimming. Problem is I can't live in the river - I remind myself: me in the river and the river in me - let this too pass. But it is so painful in the meantime, which I know you guys understand.

All I can say is roll on Boxing Day!

BTW ended up getting an email from my sister (weekend before last, in the course of organising a Xmas catch-up) saying some really horrible things about my son. I said "we need to talk". When we did talk I told her i thought she was projecting our family of origin onto my family, and that it wasn't helpful. She was completely dismissive. Needless to say we aren't now cacthing up for Xmas. Too many elephants in the room.

K

[Alessandra1992]

@Kristin..I agree..that is a shit of a day but in a way also maybe the beginning of a new level of communication for your sister and you.
Good in you for speaking your truth! I wouldnt want to spend time with my sibling if they were seeking to blame and point fingers at my children..

Fantastic that you activated your control and you didn't pull your daughters hair, nits are damn annoying..good in you for getting her to Therapy and with regard to the wx..just remubd yourself..breaking up is a process that takes a long time..no shortcuts to prevent the frustration and pain that comes with it.
Just know that you are doing the best you can, you are a beacon of hope for us on the forum, let us help carry your load for now..
Roll on Boxing Day indeed... Giant hugs for you, your daughter and wishing you a nit free Christmas Day..

[Rick]

Oh Kristin

Too many elephants by far!

I would like to mention a couple of thing that struck me, if I may be so bold?

Firstly as I was a househusband  for 10 years I've done nit patrol countless times. My now 12 yo had hair doen to the middle of her back.

She was not into brushing it.  You can just imagine..................

The things is you did'nt pull or yank her hair when you got frustrated you let go.

You let go. Important point I think.

And the second thing is

You constructively confronted your sibling to protect your family from toxic projection.

At a cost?

yes.

But you did do that.

I do believe that's 500 points. You win!!!!!!!!!

And this is what you've won.

A clear conscience!!!!!!! yay!

A sense of pride!!!! yay!!

Knowledge that you can take the monster and twist it's ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay ! Yay!

Not only do you show compassion to us here but you conquer monsters at home.

You are a notably amazing person.

I want to thank you for telling about your day 

It reinforces to me that

Hope endures

Rick

[kristin]

Hey @Rick 

Thanks so much - I really appreciate it. 🙂

I am quite a bit better after seeing my psych this morning and discussing a few very painful memories (of mum's abuse) which have reared up quite strongly recently. I was very triggered this morning and was feeling one of the physical warning signs that my blood pressure is going up (and seems to be a precursor to flashback - or certainly was for the last one).

Even though I know the way mum treated us (especially my brother and I) was abusive - I tend to forget, because she did work hard to listen and to change a bit in the last few years before she died. My psych's response to the things I told her about (one of which thought I'd told her about before) was that my mum was very cruel. It's true. My first psych 20 years ago described her as evil after I told him some of the stuff mum did to us.

I am proud of not pulling my daughters hair yesterday. I can remember one time having a similar altercation with my older daughter when she was about 7 - she has very fine hair which had a bird's nest every morning - except then I snapped and smacked the back of her head with the hairbrush. I'm not sure who was more shocked at the time, because I don't believe in hitting kids (or anyone for that matter). So I guess that stuck with me and helped me let go yesterday.

With my sister, yes I agree it had to be done but it hurts a lot. More so as she really apparently just doesn't get it. I was talking with a friend about it today (we caught up for a chat and went for a walk which helped enormously as I felt much more grounded afterwards, as I was still rather triggered when I came out of my appointment) and musing that I think she and I mean utterly different things when we talk about honesty or love.

To me honesty is not just saying whatever you think or feel, it's sitting with whatever feelings you are struggling with and trying to sift out your own stuff - and then looking at what, if anything, needs to be said/done about the other person's part. Apparently to my sister it is just saying whatever she thinks or feels.

To me love is being prepared to have the painful conversation, knowing full well it will hurt (and being hurt by causing that pain, but knowing it needs to be done for the sake of love), saying it as lovingly and gently as one can muster. I guess I got this primarily from Scott Peck's The Road Less Travelled, but I remember when I first read it I didn't understand how that could be love. I was used to the protection racket that my family ran in lieu of love - and of course there was a heirarchy to the protection too - with my maternal grandmother at the top along with my uncle (the only boy). My sister still seems to hold the protection view, and I can't protect her any more.

I'm deeply committed to protecting my children appropriately but I think that over-protection can be as damaging as neglect or abuse. All of these things hinder full growth, pruning the child's ability to fulfill their potential.

So thanks again for your support. I can't explain how much it helps - I guess you would understand that at times I think I am the monster at home. At times I constantly second guess myself because to me failure looks like: being the same as my mum, or alternatively being the exact opposite (like her mum). Trying to find my own place to parent appropriately; consciously, mindfully, lovingly, that is finding somewhere between opposite poles of extreme neglect/abuse and extreme control/manipulation - it's been a saving journey, which I continue on. (And hope endures... )

Kind regards, Kristin

[Rick]

I can think to say only this one thing Kristin.

I believe I do understand. About the mother. About being the monster. About siblings and family whose denial is like another bullet in the back.

We may or may not heal, I don't really know.

But if we can take those torturous experiences and find some worth in them then that will be enough.

Bless you

Rick

[kristin]

 @Alessandra1992 

Thanks Sandy, I really hope and pray it will open the door to a real relationship with my sister. I just don't do the acquaintance thing well with anyone, and I certainly can't do it with someone I'm actually related to. I'm so deeply invested in growing relationships that I can no longer stand being in one that asks me to stagnate (which is what I feel she is asking).

It was pretty good that I let go, boy it was tempting to pull! I'm so glad I didn't. I'd be tearing strips off myself if I had.

Yes it does take a long time, you're right. Even longer when you're still under one roof. It took more than 7 years with my ex-husband. Now mostly I get on fine with him, and we usually co-parent the older two fairly effectively with generally good communication. And I can gently call a spade a shovel. Mostly my former partner and I get on ok, but I know it really is not good for either of us to be under the same roof all the time.

So Christmas Day will be me, the three kids, and both of their dads. Would you believe that has very little to do with why I want Christmas over and done with? Usually we all get on ok, and it is a fairly quiet and relaxed day with a fairly simple meal.

The worst that happens is my ex-husband forgets to respect boundaries that my former partner thinks he should and then they get jealous of each other. Over what I don't know as neither of them have any right to be, but it's been known to happen. Sometimes my ex-husband behaves (in some farirly minor but annoying way) as if he owns the place and then my former partner gets huffy about it. Both of them have helped to do things to make the house and garden more liveable, especially my former partner as he's been here so much, but neither of them have any financial interest in it. I deliberately keep very clear and careful physical boundaries around both of them, for everyone's sakes. I think any hissyfits and I will send them both for a walk along the river together to cool down!

I haven't been called a beacon before - but I'll definitely take it as a compliment! Tonight at my little one's school concert a group of the kids sang Lean On Me. I nearly teared up, but knew if I started I'd be needing a bucket for all of them. I thought of the forum, and all of you beautiful people. What an incredible blessing!

Virtual hugs gratefully accepted . Amen to "wishing you a nit free Christmas Day"! A week away tomorrow.

Cheers, Kristin

PS I even managed to get some grocery shopping at Aldi this afternoon without having to leave the full trolley and run (which I nearly did this time last year). 

[Uggbootdiva]

@kristin that is a beautiful and insightful definition of honesty. It is this honesty that should be used when weer "speak the truth in love". often "honesty" can be used as an excuse to really hurt and attack people.

and god I hate nits. Both my kids are on autistic spectrum and are hyper sensitive to touch so brushing hair is shit experience anyway. but nits!!

[Uggbootdiva]

btw I am struggling too at the moment. over analysing every encounter. I rewrite and edit and amend each post on here so many times it takes ages to type one paragraph.

Had a "fail" social experience this afternoon. With all the end of year school stuff there is so much "light" interacting and I sm SO bad at it. so while I am going over it again and again in my mind I keep trying to remind myself that the other woman "failed" too. It takes two to do conversation. It's not up to me to make every social interaction work. but if course I still take it personally.

[Former-Member]

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[Rick]

Kristin

Ditto what Sandy said

R