Hello, this is me!!!

[Ellie4]

Hi all, I’m new to this site and just wanted to introduce myself.

Im a married to the most patient man around, we have four married sons and 12 beautiful grandchildren, although this all sounds wonderful I struggle through most days. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, PTSD from childhood trauma,  anxiety & depression and most days struggle to pass an evening without a bottle of wine. I have a great support system. I am trying so hard to stop the excessive drinking, if I don’t buy it I’m mostly ok but once I have one there’s no stopping. Today I didn’t buy any wine, but right now after having bad news I’m itching to go and buy a bottle, but trying so hard not to.

I hope to find some connections and give as well as receive support through this site.

[tyme]

Good Evening @Ellie4 ,

Thank you for reaching out and posting. 

I, too, have had a lot of experience with BPD. The coping mechanisms turned out to be of more harm than good; finding balance was challenging; resorting to unhelpful coping mechanisms became an addiction; life was simply black and white.

First of all, it is great to hear you have such a supportive network of people around you. This is so important, especially when things are tough going.

In my recovery, an important part was for people not to take away my coping mechanisms, but rather deal with the pain and hurt driving these unhelpful behaviours. Although I did not turn to alcohol, I had engaged in other forms of self-harm. I have to say, my treating team were very wise. They simply said, if you are going to do it, do it safely. An example my psychologist once raised was "How much do you need to drink to get drunk? If you drink any more, it doesn't make you any more 'drunker' ". This was an eye-opener for me, how much (or what) does it take for me to get the desired effects? Does doing more or having more (of whatever) make it any better? 

@Ellie4 , I'm not sure if this is too confusing. I'm trying to simplify it as much as I can. 

In other words, unless there is something to replace what you are getting out of drinking as much as you do, it is difficult to just 'take it away' or 'stop doing it'.

Do you have any professional supports who may be able to support you in developing the skills to manage any emotions or feelings you have related to your trauma?

I'm sorry if I have confused you. My apologies in advance.

tyme

[Ellie4]

Thankyou @tyme for your response 

it really does make sense

i did have a psychologist that was helping with past trauma, unfortunately she became ill and had to stop working, living n a rural area, there’s not a lot of help.

I am trying self help ideas such as this site to keep me busy and not thinking about issues & drinking. 
I know when I drink, it’s more a case to forget things rather than get drunk.

It’s definitely a positive note for me that I didn’t go to bottle shop tonight and distracted myself in a safe way. 

[Appleblossom]

Finding healthy safe distractions seems to be the way a lot of us need to go . @Ellie4 

Good on you and Welcome.

[tyme]

Most definitely @Ellie4  - your understanding and reflection on your current situation helps a lot and I'm with you in acknowledging your strength and resilience in not going to the bottle tonight.

For me, connecting on these forums played a huge part in my recovery. I could connect with others who had similar life journeys.

You're welcome to head over to Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script to read more about BPD.

As for finding a psychologist, it is difficult in metro, let alone rural. However, this doesn't mean telehealth is not available to you. I think it is important to get that targeted therapy for BPD from a professional if you are able. Have you work on any DBT techniques in the past?

Sitting with you,

tyme

[Ellie4]

@tyme Thanks for the link, will have a look.

Yes I’ve done DBT in the past but feel ready for a refresher.

I really enjoy and “try” to employ the mindfulness techniques when I can.

I have a number to call to try a web counselling session, to be honest I’m a little unsure about how I will go with that. Was very comfortable with face to face counselling, but not a phone consultation, I guess because I couldn’t see the other persons face I had difficulty connecting. Hopefully will be better with a web/video appt.

thanks for the support it does help.

[tyme]

Well you're doing better than I am! I really resist mindfulness activities but I hate being still... only because I've seen the benefits that I really make myself do it. I wish I could say I 'enjoy' them, but I don't LOL.

What you have said about face to face consults vs phone consults reminds me of when I transitioned from twice-weekly face to face consults to phone consults due to COVID. I really struggled at first, but persisted. The persistence paid off because eventually I got used to it. But I acknowledge it did take time to get used to and I was not comfortable with it at first. I hope this will be the same for your regarding phone counselling. Just give it your best shot - is all I can say!

tyme 

[greenpea]

@Ellie4  Hey Ellie4 I am a bit the same as you re alcohol. If I have one glass I can finish a bottle of wine in two days!! that is alot for me. So I havent touched a single drop in about 5 years now ...... I still miss it though.

[Ellie4]

Hi @greenpea 

Congrats on going 5 years that’s a huge deal.

to be honest I am very bad in the sense of once the bottle is open I drink it all.

I feel that I need to not have any, because if I don’t buy it “mostly” I don’t care, it’s just my go to for stress/coping.

that’s why I’ve joined this site for support, which I already feel,  thanks to those that have commented.

🙏

[greenpea]

@Ellie4  am here for you Ellie4 any time that you need support. Love pea🙂