Acceptance is hard work

[NightFury]

Hi @AuntGlow I did see that you weren't here for a couple of days but I wanted to share while it was still fresh. 

I journalled this morning following up on the conversation we had about my feelings regarding the whole intake and referral process. 

I wrote about how I was afraid to fail, to let myself and others down. In that, I wrote about how I was scared to labelled as "difficult" and that if I didn't find an ERP therapist as recommended in the treatment plan, and didn't follow the plan perfectly, things would get worse. 

I wrote about being scared of the increased vulnerability of face to face appointments. And I wrote about how I was frustrated. I'm frustrated because I connected well with the SANE counsellor, and with the EAP counsellor and both of those situations were only temporary. Everyone always leaves. 

[liminalzest]

@Snowie that's fantastic you're able to do that 🙂 

[Jynx]

Hey @NightFury 😊

How's your week been? 

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@NightFury wrote:

I think I have a lot of emotions around the thing with my half brother and I'm not sure I understand them, or have processed them. It's confusing. And when he withdrew, I kind of buried them behind the whole, "well, it's his decision and I can't do anything about it...so," and I didn't allow myself to even touch on my own feelings about the situation. 

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Totally get that - sometimes we do tend to like, bury our emotions in order to function. Especially when our feelings conflict with our values - in this case, sounds like your desire to reconnect with your half-brother conflicted with your values around wanting your loved ones to get that same chance to reconnect too. Both sides of this internal conflict are valid, so sitting with that discomfort can be very challenging! But like @AuntGlow said, it truly shows how much you care!

Have you/would you want to talk to your dad or any other family members about these feelings?

How's your week been?

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@AlwaysMyself wrote:

@Jynx just wanted to say I really like/appreciate how you are open with sharing that you still struggle with things at times and still need support/reminders from your psych about things too. 😊 In a weird way it's comforting to know that PSW's also have rough times too and challenges they face with varying levels of support required too. We are all human, and it's just nice to remember that even people that we may feel "have it all together" also have time when it gets hard too (that whole "recovery in not a set-and-forget" state, but can be a bit of a backwards and forwards through stages of life).

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Aww, @AlwaysMyself this really warms me to read! I try to do this consciously, because I feel like it's important to demonstrate that recovery isn't some 'end goal' that we will all reach one day - it's a constant process, a lifelong journey. I like to share these things because I want it to engender a sense of hope, as well as the fact that in my experience, vulnerability is the pathway to true, authentic connection. I really appreciate you sharing this 😊

[NightFury]

Hi there @Jynx 

How's your week been? 

My week has been a bit of a mixed bag. Yesterday was struggle street with a really down day. Today has been better - I took my niece to the pool. 

to answer both yours and @AuntGlow's question, no, I'm not comfortable having conversations like that with my family. I don't know how to explain it...does it make sense if I say that my family is not an emotionally safe space? And that I learnt early in life to keep my feelings to myself.

[AlwaysMyself]

Yeah, that makes sense @NightFury . *hugs* 

My family weren't/aren't always safe to talk about emotional impacts either, and "keep it to yourself" has often been the safer option. 

I'm glad you can share it with us though. 😊 and that it is safe to here.

[Jynx]

@NightFury Pretty chill week for me, had physio yesterday then slept through my alarms for an appt this morning, woops 😅

I absolutely get that, for real. I don't really open up to my family all that much either. Not because they don't care, but because I can't predict whether they'll be able to support me, or whether it would quickly turn into me supporting them with their reactions to my struggles. 'Not emotionally safe' certainly describes it!

I don't know if that's how it is for you, but I do relate to that feeling of not feeling comfortable asking certain questions of certain family members. It can be pretty isolating at times hey. 

Any highlights from taking your niece to the pool? That sounds so wholesome!

[NightFury]

@Jynx it wasn't quite like that, but I hear ya and thank you for sharing. 

My emotions were always dismissed. They were too big, too much and not something that parenrs ever really understood. I would get told to "stop crying," or that I was being ridiculous, or that I'm embarrassing them in front of people, of using my emotions to manipulate them. I got in trouble for things, thoughts and emotions that I now know was a product of my anxiety, or my OCD brain. No one in my family has ever really heard me. If I was excited...my Mum would shoot it down with a negative comment (she still does), if I was sad, I was pretty much required to get over it, if I was angry, I was just over reacting.

So, we talk about surface level stuff and I never share with them how I truly feel about something or let them see the extent of my feelings. 

@AlwaysMyself 

[Jynx]

Appreciate you sharing that @NightFury - I feel lucky that my parents didn't overtly dismiss my emotions to quite that extent, but have definitely been told that being upset was 'making a big deal' or like just 'crying and carrying on'; would get sent to my room if I was upset or angry, or was told to 'settle down' or even sometimes to 'act my age' if I was being too loud or boisterous out in public. Being shut down for excitement or joy is such a painful experience, I'm so sorry that you were made to feel like even your positive emotions were too much.  

I wonder if that's something you could spend some time reflecting on, is how you express joy and excitement. Maybe try to practice allowing more space to be expressive about more positive emotions - doesn't have to be big positive emotions but like... if you win a level in a game, do a lil happy dance. If you get yourself a little treat from the shops, see how it feels to giggle with delight or make up a dumb song about it. 

As always, it's highly likely to be super uncomfortable at first, because your nervous system has grown to expect punishment in response to expression. We're just trying to show it that we are allowed to express excitement and joy without having to prepare ourselves for pain in response. 

Hope you're having a wondrous Wednesday! 

[NightFury]

Sadly @Jynx I'm used to it. I can't say that it doesn't impact me, because it really does. But, I'm used to it. I've learnt to have a tight hold on my emotions, and I don't express any emotion around others. I protect my positive emotions, like excitement and joy by suppressing them. 

I think allowing more space to express positive emotions is a good idea. I don't think I feel positive emotions often, but allowing myself to be more expressive of them, while it seems uncomfortable, would be a good thing. 

I've had a busy Wednesday. I accidentally slept in until 10 am, then had jobs to do like wrangle control of the washing. I did three hours of study, some Lego with Dreamy, I rang my new work place to get a plan for moving forward, then had a telehealth psychology appointment. I have my first class for my Masters tonight. 

How was your Wednesday? 

[AuntGlow]

Thank you so much for keeping me updated. @NightFury

This is all SO insightful and shows that there is very real and valid fear here. And I know with OCD and anxiety, there is often a need for things to feel 'right' or 'certain', so jumping into something uncertain or uncomfortable can feel very understandably overwhelming. 

I know that there is also a core wound around people leaving, so I really want to offer that part of you lots of nurturing and compassion. That must feel so, so hard to hold.

Maybe this part of you needs to feel soothed and safe first? To be reassured and know that no matter what decision you make, you will be able to manage the outcome. For example, I know the SANE and EAP counsellor were short-term, but they also really helped you on your journey to get where you are now. Perhaps the next person will be able to do the same? 

So I wonder, what could you do to explore creating some safety for this younger part of you, before making a decision?

PS: Just reminding you that we haven't left, so maybe connecting to how that feels might help? 🥰