Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[KatieG]

I care for my husband, who has anxiety and depression.

We are at a crisis point in our marriage. He won't get the help he needs. I'm am tired and feel like im talking to a brick wall/flogging a dead horse.

He drinks to release and becomes suicidal. He also become really horrible during these sessions.

He has become worse lately, withdrawing from life, hardly interacts with the kids, sleeps 12 hours a night, can only focus on himself and barey hears a word anoyone else says.

In his rage last weekend, he asked me to leave. to end our marriage - take our kids and go. He blames me for events things that are not my fault. He cannot acknowledge his involvement in any issues. he cannot take any form of responsibility for his own actions. Even if he can't change things, he cannot see his behaviour is just unacceptable, for him, for our life, for our family.

I feel terrible and guilty for even thinking about walking away - but i just don't know how much more i can take, if he is not willing to get help. I don't expect miracles, just baby steps in the right direction. I will be here when he stumbles, i will stand by him 110% but it has been 6 years and he WILL NOT get help.

I cannot fix him. i know that. i cannot force him or do it on his behalf.

any advice? am i horrible for feeling this way? should i be a better wife? am i dealing with a lost cause?

I just don't know anymore. anyone else been here? what did you do? how are you going?

K

[-karma-]

Hi @KatieG

I wish we were meeting under better circumstances, a big hello to you.

Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place!

I thought you might like to follow this thread

http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Not-sure-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this/m-p/17119/highlight/true...

were @zipper, and @Mrscaptargo

have started conversing about the situations they are in, which are similar to your own.

You write from a grounded position, no judgement here

[zipper]

Hi Katie 

Im sorry that we havent replied earlier to you.  Sounds like you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.  If you leave and he does something to himself you would never be able to forgive yourself, yet, you have done nothing wrong and have only put the welfare of yourself and your children first.

My only suggestion is to try to get to the GP. If he wont go, maybe call a GP to the house? There are bulk bill home doctors out there. If they give him medication, get it and use it straight away, but then immediately get into a physciatrist.  Psychiatrists do medication, psychologist talk it out. 

Get his family to help, if he is hiding this from them, maybe it is time to be open and honest. Will he listen to them? Get them and your family to help you and the kids, can they take the kids for the weekend, or some time in the school holidays.  The kids need a break too

If he is reluctant to use medication, tell him it is short term only.  I refer to medication as the help to get out of the black hole and to get onto the ladder to pull yourself up to recovery

Does he work? Do you work? These things also come into it.  If he does work, do you have any contact with his employer? Maybe they could suggest to him, he needs a physical, that would at least get him into a GP's office.  

I can relate in the fact that I care for my husband with depression but he sought help early in the piece

stay in touch

zz

[Maze]

Hi, I wish had seen this earlier but I haven't been on for a while. I am hearing you loud and clear as I'm going through exactly the same thing with my hubby, only he doesnt get angry - he just sits there in front of the tv, barely communicating and unaware of what's happening around him or that I'm running around like an idiot trying to get everything done! You do start to question yourself, even when you know it's not you, it's them. Unless they get themselves help or at least make an effort to work with you to get help, it's almost impossible. I just have to ignore him (sounds terrible I know) or go out as it drives me crazy knowing I can't do anything about it!

[Appleblossom]

I felt a lot of uncertainty about leaving my marriage and concern about the kids and how I would cope alone.  I coped better out of the marriage than in it.  I dont know that you need think of him as a lost cause but you need to do what is best for and the kids ... take your time to decide.

I was raised catholic and my mother was very strict and never forgave me for leaving my marriage, but actually it wasnt about her.  After about 5 years after separation I went through an annulment process based on the fact that neither of us was really in a position to make the original marriage commitment.  It helped releive my guilt a lot that even the catholic church understood ... they went through a lot of reasonable considerations that were not dogmatic but based on sensible relationship issues.They also told me not to listen to my mother.

Everybody's situation is unique and it is good to seek ideas from a range of places .. but ultimately it comes down to you, what you can cope with or choose and what is in children's best interests.

Good Luck.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear KatieG

I feel like nodding my head and smiling quietly to myself.

I think a moderator wrote that it feels like you write from a grounded place ?? I agree.

But your husband is definately not lost to you...there is too many positive things in his life to feel he's going too far from you.

The only advice I have is the hard one. Pack the kids up.....walk down the street to Centrelink and go on single mothers benefit. Get into a refuge,......to get that seperation,......tell the children its a cheap holiday home.......go. when he's moved out, you can go home. 

YOU are the ruler of the marriage. What you do defines the marriage but things like MI, addications, children, we get caught up in homework and we forget our gifts that people in society forget.

Bit like our wonderful politicians, its easy to talk their talk.......but intuition and love are forgotten.....this is a gift. 

We, us mothers show compassion, live, care and motherhood, gentle touch. 

He has a difficult road for recovery but it's his recovery. He is blaming you for his problems and they have nothing to do with you.

The day that I married my darling husband 4 years ago, was the happiest day of my life. He told his mother that he was quitting drugs and alcohol to get closer to me that day.......and thats when the real problems started.

He came back to me after no contact for 2 years. It took a while of hand written letters and for him to resolve his own anger that he had against the world. 

I have confidence that your strength is more than you know. 

Just to let you know, in my first narriage there was domestic violence. I also had significant MI issues that were unresolved. I have two sons. At 21 years old, my oldest son went pschotic and now lives with a diagnosis in another state when he remembered the violence on me. 

I still remember going into the ard he was at and the first thing he said to me was...I remember what Dad did to you. I said......Okay, that was never anything to do with you. I was not your fault.

He is doing okay, managing his times of mental ill health. He is always on my mind but he is working and having a very little life outside of work.

Please write again. Take care and thinking about you,