Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JustJenn]

My daughter is now 35 years with two children, aged 4 years & 14 months. All her life since her teens she has suffered severe depression, severe anxiety, self harming and being suicidal.

She has been in a relationship with the childrens father for the last 5 years.  Domestic violence with alcohol abuse.

My hubby and I have been there for her every time she has needed help, she's never had to ask us.

We've only just found out that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She has never told us that her actual condition had a name.

We've moved her and the children back to our home 2 months ago to enable us to keep the children in a safe, calming environment.  They had done really well adjusting and have become happy and outgoing as they feel loved and safe and free from the constant violent domestic fights.

Over the last month, our daughter's mental health has escalated out of control.  She has been charged with assualting a police officer, speeding and evading the police.  She also stole my car that I reported.

She is now back with the ex partner but she is on bail and on police curfew to reside at our home. Hubby and I don't feel safe as she has become violent. I'm either her best friend or her worst enemy when she is in the cycle.

The police really seem to want her locked up in the womens correctional center. They tell me that she'll get all the treatment she needs.

I don't know how to help and who to trust. 

I need to know how to help her stay out of gaol and keep our grandchilden in a safe and stable environment.

She has been seeing a psychologist and GP with many years of off and on again psychiatric doctors.

Hubby and I are at our wits end as we have been trying to help her for the last 20 years.  We are still both working full time as we have spent alot of our money paying her debts.

I'm asking any of you who have been through this type of thing if you can give me any advise on how to communicate with her?  Reason with her? 

We are so very tired..........

Thanks

[disquiet]

Hi JustJen,

Im rather new here but I can share what I know.  As I learned early on when mental health issues are at crisis / out of control the best thing you can do is let hospitals / authorities intervene. It is heartbreaking but in such situations your physical safety and in your case the grandchildren safety has to come first.

I have had to call ambulances with police backup in the past to have my partner collected and it guts me every time.  She calls me every horrible thing under the sun and will physically lash out/break things.  Once the ambo's get there they sort things out.  NSW ambos are the most amazing people.

As for helping you daughter goes, there is a chance you wont be able to do much until she can stabalise.  I have never been able to reason with my partner while she is in an episode/off meds.  She just cant connect with what you are saying or see reason.  Most of the time my partner wont even have memory of the time leading up to and just after her psychosis.

My partner improved considerably once she was on meds and in consistent, frequent therapy.  Before that though it was just chaos and there was nothing I could do. It took over a year to get her into a program and to commit to getting well.

Im sure this is not the straight forward answer you had hoped for. Right now all I can suggest is keep your grandchildren and yourself safe and see if your daughter will seek medical help.

[suzanne]

Hello @JustJenn.  Welcome to the Forums.  I'm very glad you found us.  I hope you don't mind but I moved your post to the Carer's forum to ensure that it is seen by people in similar situations.  Your daughter may not realise it but she's incredibly lucky to have you in her life.  You and your husband are going above and beyond to keep her and your grandchildren safe and well.  Not everyone with mental health concerns are so fortunate.  But the nature of the beast means that there may not be a great deal of gratitude coming back at you!

There was an interesting thread a while back which talked about ways to communicate and assist a loved one with borderline personality disorder.  You can read it here.  We also had a guest speaker on a recent topic tuesday who had some good ideas and information here. There are also some interesting resources mentioned in this thread.  I wonder if you've come across ARAFMI yet?  They are an organisation that aims to support carers.  There website is here http://www.arafmiaustralia.asn.au/. 

You and your husband must be exhausted by the level of care and attention your daughter and her children need.  I hope that having an outlet on the Forum where there are people who understand and are in a similar situation goes some small way to helping you cope.  What would you say has helped you get this far?

[JustJenn]

Thank you so much for your response.  I really appreciate it.

We've had no choice but to call the police and ambulance on many occasions and our QLD services are brilliant but the mental health system is sadly lacking.

I feel that I can go on now with having found this forum and having people such as yourself to compare notes with.

Who would have ever thought we'd be in this situation during our life time to have to cope with all the stress and heartache that this terrible disorder brings. We feel so helpless yet abused at the same time.

I hope things go well for you.

Thanks again x

[JustJenn]

Thank you so much for your care and concern, I really appreciate it.

The links you have provided are enabling me to learn more and more and just having people here to talk with and compare notes is so helpful for me right now.

And yes, our daughter dosen't realise how lucky she is to have us.  We've had so many family members and friends tell us to walk away and let her sort out her own life.  They don't want to understand that it is a disease/illness that makes her like she is.

When she is fine, she is the most loving, caring and generous soul with a beautiful smile that you could ever hope to meet.  But when the anxiety takes over, the demon comes out and that is frightening for everyone.

The things that have got me/us this far is the fact that we know our real daughter is trapped in a damaged mind. The times that our baby comes out is like sunshine after the storm and of course wanting to be a significant part of our grandchildrens safety, happiness and stabilty keep us going.

Thank you so much Suzanne.

I'm sure I'm going to be regularly checking in here.

xo