TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[Zoe7]

To be honest @creative_writer I have never really bothered with most helplines for that reason - they have never been helpful and mostly just made me feel even worse - but SANE have always been exceptional. It is such a shame they can not deliver that service after hours ...maybe in the future 🤞

I know I have mentioned this before but can you make a plan for all the work you have to do - set aside a couple of hours at a time (depending on how you are physically feeling), take regular breaks to do something completely different to take your mind off your work them have another session hopefully feeling a little more refreshed. I used to stress about all that I had to do and tried to do it all at once - which just made me feel more stressed and as a result usually more unwell. That emotional stress can certainly add to our physical pain and once they combine it is often hard to get through it. 

I do also like @tyme 's suggestions and a re-evaluating of your timeline to complete your course. In the bigger scheme of things - a more part-time approach and another year added onto your studies is nothing in the longer term. I took 4 years to do my first degree instead of three because I had so much other stuff going on. Before that I also did an extra year at college to study things I loved after I graduated rather than going straight to uni - so that meant all up I was 2 years behind where I would have been if I had gone the expected route. I then did another year to complete my grad dip whilst at the same time studying fulltime also at TAFE. I would never had done either of those if I had gone straight through so in effect the delay in completing uni actually lead me to doing more. Everyone has their own journey through study and finding one for yourself (and with your own life experiences/circumstances to navigate) is definitely one only you can find. It also does not hurt getting some extra help/support from the uni counsellors and/or support people - that is what they are there for and can help to put a plan in place and check in with you to see how you are travelling. 

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 sometimes I need someone to listen and not be bombarded with what I should do. I also need to feel connected before opening up.

I think the problem was that I was unable to do much during my study times. I know studies aren’t a race and taking my time is okay. Migraines are better. I think it’s mental health causing more distress now and I don’t really feel like getting up. Trauma can feel so paralysing in the morning. Thinking about it leaves me feeling lost. Like how am I ever supposed to feel okay considering everything that has happened. I feel so deflated and hurt. Maybe getting up, eating breakfast and taking my mood medication would help.

[Zoe7]

Trauma can be exceptionally paralysing @creative_writer and it often takes it's both physically and emotionally. I used to feel it for hours after any triggers but now can cope a lot better. It is though something you have to find out ways to cope for yourself and put in place things you can do to help in that coping. I cuddle my fur babies before anything else - they give me that anchor to stay afloat with. For others it is walking or music etc. The more we work through strategies to cope and then make them part of our everyday routines, the easier they are to call on when most needed. It is a re-learning and re-establishment of positive patterns, behaviour and thinking - none of which is easy to do and can often take a long time ...but it is possible. I know when I was in a similar position to you I could not even hope that I could be in the place I am now - but over time it has gotten a whole lot better and I am able to cope so much more. There will always be hard times, unexpected triggers, memories and pain but you also strike me as a very balanced and insightful person that can work through all that in your own time. Uni alone is a major stress so give yourself credit for continuing on despite all you are dealing with. Take each week as it comes - do what you can and re-asses as you go. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help or changing the timeframe to complete uni - in the end you will come out with the same result ...graduating - and that does not have to be done all at once and Now. I have faith in you and will hold onto that hope that you can get through everything and come out the other side feeling a sense of achievement and increased confidence in yourself.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I hope it becomes easier with time. Was down for a while, body still feels a bit weak, but recovering. Maybe tomorrow will be better and I hope I can resume my workouts and have my life become more normal again. I think I need more relaxation. Distraction and keeping yourself busy can also seem obsessive at time, at least for me, though it’s good in moderation. Music can help me feel better and worse at the same time, it’s so hard to explain. I find myself listening to really depressing music or looking up really depressing content on google just to feel some connection and feel less alone, but I can go overboard, and it backfires.

I think a lot of work still needs to be done to get to the stage that the memories don’t hurt as much anymore. It is very slow process, which can be very frustrating. I didn’t anticipate it for being so long. I suppose I had very unrealistic and high expectations, realistically long term trauma can take a while to heal.

At this stage I’m going to wait and see how things go. I’m almost done with classes for my coursework units. Placements start next month, will see how things go. I have a while to pull out if I need to.

I hope you take care of yourself @Zoe7 ❤️❤️.

[creative_writer]

Feeling so paralysed, nothing feels real enough. It’s like there is nothing to look forward to. It feels like a hopeless and helpless place to be in. I don’t even know why I’m still here. 

[goodkarma]

@creative_writer 

sounds like you are having a bad day and its good that you are communicating on SANE today. Will you be safe today?

[creative_writer]

@goodkarma I’m safe for now. The thoughts of suicide haven’t turned into action at this point. Just having breakfast now. It took so much of me to actually get up and start my day. Honestly, just feel like going into bed afterwards. Maybe the blankets just give the sense of safety and warmth.

[Paperdaisy]

Thank you for letting us know you're safe @creative_writer 

Perhaps a day in bed is what your body needs? I try and listen to my body now when it's telling me to slow down and rest. We all need different things at different times and there's no shame in that 💝

[creative_writer]

@Paperdaisy sometimes it’s hard to determine if my body needs rest or I’m just lazy. I guess it’s the society we live in. People often bombard you with things you could do to feel better. It’s like I don’t want to know how unhealthy it is to be in bed and isolating myself from the world. Why do I need to talk to people? Why do I need to try? Why should I keep my head up?

[Paperdaisy]

Society has a lot to answer for doesn't it @creative_writer 😄 Some days I'm so exhausted I just need to rest, so I do and then I feel better the following day.. Sometimes I have to sit with feelings too and wait until they pass, cause they always do... but that's just me. You know what you need so I say allow yourself to rest if you need it.