TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[creative_writer]

Hi everyone

I'm new here so I'm not sure what to say. I've just been struggling lately and coming out of a bad migraine attack. While I was really sick I found myself ruminating over past events, I suppose I had too much time to think. I know I can not change what has happened, but I still hold onto it. Migraine doesn't feel as bad anymore, but I'm left with all these overwhelming feelings of sadness and feeling of loss, anger and bitterness and I'm feeling very lonely. I find it hard to reach out to people, I feel like it's hard for people to comprehend what I'm going through. The pain of being misunderstood is too much, so I can really talk to very few people. I am also afraid that people won't want to talk about it, like I've tried talking about it with my parents a long time ago in a hush-hush way but they still felt uncomfortable. I am also afraid to burden people, I don't want to be that friend who is always stuck in their chaotic mind. I mean I live alone, have to fight things alone and I'll die alone. Sometimes it feels pointless, sometimes I wonder should I just let myself drown, I am just one person, what difference could I make, surely. I'm not intensely suicidal right now, but I am at the point I've considered it but don't intend to act on it. 

Maybe it's all an overreaction, I don't know. But I know if I stay here too long I'll drown and get water into my lungs. 

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @creative_writer 

I am so, so sorry to hear how tough things are right now. It can be really hard to reach out when you are feeling this way - Sometimes our minds can convince us it is not worth it to speak out, that we are a burden. I am glad that you were able to reach out here. 

The Forums can be a good space to share exactly what you are feeling and know that you are not alone. 

Of course, if you feel you need immediate support please do not hesitate to contact any of the following:

• Lifeline - 13 11 14
• Samaritans - 13 52 47 (8am-8pm AWST)
• Suicide Call-back Service - 1300 659 467
• Suicideline (Vic) - 1300 651 251
• Kids Helpline (Under 25) - 1800 55 180

I also encourage you to reach out to the SANE Help Centre during the week if you would ever like a chat. (Open Monday-Friday 10am-10pm; 1800 187 263)

Take good care of yourself creative_writer. We are sitting with you here 💜

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

[Zoe7]

Hey @creative_writer Time can be both a blessing and a curse at times - it allows us to rest and recuperate but does often also leave too much space to allow those unwanted memories to take over our thinking. That then leads us down that dangerous path of feeling that life is just not what it should be and maybe it is too much. In my experience there are many people that do not want to hear about it all and/or are not equipped emotionally to do so ...but there are also many than will listen and will be supportive. We, here, are some of those people. We hear you, we are with you and you have support. You have taken a massive step in showing the courage to reach out here and I hope you find it a good outlet to both talk and feel you are not alone.

Welcome to the forums 😁

[creative_writer]

@Peregrinefalconand @Zoe7 I'm not even sure why I didn't think of joining SANE forums before. I think it's so easy to get stuck into a mindset and think that you have no options left. But yes, sometimes it's hard to find people who are willing to listen and are able to emotionally handle it. It gets exhausting having to pretend everything is okay. I feel so fake and inauthentic. Sometimes people may feel as though I should know what to do. I may have studied psychology, and I'm doing social work right now. I've volunteered with Lifeline (though I'm on a break for that). I just don't have all the answers and I'm not even at a qualified therapist level yet. I'm also still human, I have experiences like other people, some of these experiences were traumatic.

Thank you for your support 🙂 ❤️ It really means a lot. 

[WriterMelb]

I get it, I’m similar. It’s been a hard day. I have family around me but still feel desperately alone. I speak and then I’m cut  off and so think why bother, so then others don’t bother. When your unwell your unwell. How is your support circle? that’s one thing that’s helped me. I always feel writing here is like shouting into the void. I’m rambling a bit as my mind is a bit all over the place. The main thing is your not alone. Suicidal thoughts come and go. For me I try to distract myself. Take care Melb Writer

[creative_writer]

@WriterMelb I think my support circle is very limited. I have a psychologist, but because of covid sometimes there is a gap so I get out on waiting list, ideally I would be seeing her every two weeks. I have very few close friends. I don’t even have much of a social life. I have family but can’t seem to talk to them. Yesterday I was like should I message a friend, but couldn’t bring myself to. I just feel really hurt right now and it’s interfering with my ability to study. The memories feel so painful, I feel broken and lost. I know it’s the past. But I’m stuck on flight and fight mode. Being sick is not helping, it’s been a week since migraines have been bad, and it’s worse again. 

[Gwynn]

What kinds of pleasant activities are you doing for yourself, or if you're not doing anything right now, what did you used to do that brought you pleasure or joy?

Something that's useful that I got from CBT was the idea of making dates with myself to do something nice for myself. It sort of breaks the cycle of I feel crap, so I do nothing because I feel crap, so the feeling stays and I feel crap for another day.

I know it can sound superficial as, like, you put a face mask on and listen to music and that's supposed to fix you, lol, but if you choose something that's related to what you value, and picture it as chipping away at your fug, it can bring you a small reprieve. And sometimes, that can feel like a freaking miracle.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Mental-Health-Professionals/Depression/Depression---Inf... - here's a list of activities to spark some ideas if you need help thinking of something fun to do.

You might also like to read up about the Stress Cycle, if you feel like you're stuck on fight or flight mode. Essentially, being safe, or removing what's causing you stress, doesn't resolve the neurochemicals that are causing us to feel stress - we get stuck in stress states. To complete the stress cycle, we need to do certain actions, such as vigorous physical activity, talking to someone, hugging someone, having a good cry or laugh. There are heaps of good youtube videos out there about how to complete the stress cycle and feel better. I hope you feel better soon.

[creative_writer]

@Gwynn I do have a toolkit of strategies. Though I feel like I have to see how I feel physically on the day. Like during a migraine I can’t exercise like I usually do, but can take a relaxing shower. I have other random relaxation and distraction techniques too. But I suppose your list can’t be too big. I can look into more. But I never really thought of these activities as something to look forward too, I guess I could look it that way. 

I think one of the biggest issues I have is I suppress emotions when they arise. Then I wonder why I feel so numb. I live with my family (parents and siblings) so I feel like I need to be guarded. It’s not that I don’t feel loved and cared for. It’s just that I don’t want to explain what’s going on in my head. I’ve become so good at holding tears in, when I do want to release it at night, the opportunity has already passed. 

[Zoe7]

Hey @creative_writer It does not matter what we know, what we have/are studying nor our occupation - when we are struggling it is really hard to find our way and know what is best for ourselves to do. We can know/learn all the skills in the world but it is not always easy to call on them when life is hard. Trauma and individual experiences all are so personal and the way we deal with them varies from one person to the next - so give yourself a break ...you have every right to NOT be okay and deserve love and support. I can see already that you have been receiving that here and it is also great you are engaging with some members and sharing both your personal experience and struggles. I hope by joining our community here you are feeling a little less alone and finding you can be more 'yourself' amongst those that get it.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 it is definitely a very individual experience. Trauma is just one of those things, it takes time. It took me a long time to realise things weren’t quite right. I felt so detached initially. I know we often use disassociation to cope when things feel too much. Trauma has left me with a lot of challenging emotions. I feel sadness. I also feel angry and bitter. I never asked for this. I just wanted to be treated like a dignified person.