Supporting and promoting the well-being of mental health carers and their families.
Mental Health Carers Austalia.
Something’s not right
14-10-2021 06:49 AM - edited 14-10-2021 06:51 AM
One day at a time
Mind still thinking,still feel self loathing,lonely and lost.still missing him waiting for a crumb of his attention in the hope that his sorry for what he has done to me over the years and I meant something to him.Thinking of the broken promises,lies and verbal cruelty he delivered every day and why I still need validation from him that he loves me to make me feel less empty, needed and wanted,as I read back through this I can see how pathetic it reads but I can not find my self without him in it even no my life with him in it is chaotic, a mix of daily emotions, uncertainty, trying to work around his moods,his drinking,cruel words and silent treatment the days are so long and empty and the nights fill me with the greatest loneliness I have ever felt, every day / night is so quiet NO MORE walking on egg shells, trying to please and keep him happy making sure I don't say or do something wrong to upset him living in flight mode every day. I no all of that is unacceptable it's just a matter of time I suppose for my brain to catch up and realise none of it was or is normal.
14-10-2021 10:30 AM
Re: One day at a time
Good morning @Pain
Im so sorry you are feeling like this. From what Im reading you are lost, angry and hurt. But I hope you can see that things do get better and after all that pain you are experiencing there is a glimmer of hope and new begginnings. No-one can take away what you are feeling right now - its Ok that you feel this way. But you need to start forgiving yourself.
Forgive yourself for being hurt and allowing him to hurt you. You need to forgive yourself for putting him first and not allowing you to be happy. Forgive yourself because it is not your fault. Forgive yourself for forgetting who you are. Forgive yourself because its time to be nice to yourself.
Wanting validation from him, hearing him say I love you and you meant the world to me will not give you closure. Trust me!.. it will confuse you even further and wont allow you to move on because then you want more and thats not how it works.
You need to validate you and who you are. Love comes within and I know you dont believe me but your pain is because you forgot to love you and allowed someone else to fill that void. I learnt it the hard way and now Im picking up the pieces.
If you dont mind me telling you - what I do everyday to stop the hurt and pain is tell myself.. I love you.. there is no-one better for myself than me.. I need me to be the perfect me for me.. from this it has helped me through my pain and hurt. Dont get me wrong I still feel how you feel but it doesnt stop me from moving on and letting myself to start all over and be the best I can be for me.
Be kind to yoursel Pain.. and hope what I have written helps a little.. with a big friendly hug xx
14-10-2021 10:41 AM
Re: One day at a time
I really relate to where you are right now @Pain
You are so right, one day your brain will catch up and realise that that wasn't normal. But it takes time and like @MIFANTCARER self-compassion is super important. I also know how difficult it can be to forgive ourselves when we are so caught up in the other person and wanting their love.
I am estranged from my abusive family. And I wish I could tell you 'I've never looked back' but that is not true. The truth is I have looked back. I still long for their validation at times. Wish things were different. But ultimately for me it came down to needing to respect myself. And I guess what I am saying is forgiving yourself or having compassion for yourself may very difficult for a long time. But for me, finding the strength to respect myself and prioritise my own needs (even when every fibre of my being was telling me to run back) was what really started my journey to healing.
I promise you, you are not alone in this. I really mean that.