Im not changing, Ive changed and Im growing

[ClockFace]

I have my Cystoscopy in less than 12 hours. The procedure itself doesnt bother me, Ive had a few of them now but the thought that I might have new tumor(s) again is becoming pretty regular. I mean, with my luck and health issues it makes sense that I would have. Ive been pretty fortunate with my cancer so far, its just been a matter of cutting it out when it was found. I am worried that if they find it again though that they will cut it out and Ill have to have treatment (BCG) as well. Each time I go through this the worry side gets easier to deal with though, which is good. When I first started it was pretty overwhelming now its just, it makes sense that Id have some concerns.

I had my appointment with the MACS clinic the other day, this is where a couple of General Physcians, pharmacists etc review my case. They agree with the diagnoses and treatment provided, they think my GP has done a really good job on the whole. They have a couple recommendations, a couple of blood tests to rule out potential causes for my weight and something else. They also going to recommend I start cholesterol medication, I have a few factors which together they would be concerned that Id be at risk of heart attack within the next couple of years, another reason to lose weight, eventhough my cholesterol isnt that high.

Yesterday I had my appointment about my shoulders. Im pretty much needing surgery but Im too big for it, my surgeon doesnt have the strength to monouvor me about, the anaethesiast wouldnt want to put me under because of my BMI. So, we are going to try and do the injection into my shoulder again, he doesnt think they did it right last time so hopefully they do this time and it works for longer. If it works in the left shoulder he will organise a MRI on my right and then an injection in that one and keep doing that until I meet the requirements for surgery. I am thinking that Ill talk to my GP and see if there is a specialist that would take me on given my size, someone younger and fitter, more capable. I cant think that I am just going to be left like this and to get worse because Im too heavy. That said, my current specialist is really well respected, one of the best in the state as far as I can understand.

That is something Im really fortunate with, pretty much all my specialists are really well respected and amoung the best in the state. Some are the lead specialist for their firm, some are just so well known that you say their name to any doctor and I get told how lucky I am to be under their care. My GP has done her research into who to refer me too really well, she didnt just pick a name from a hat she got me into some of the best. My GP really looks after me, I told the General Physcians some stuff she has done for me and they have never heard a GP doing it or so much because its all unpaid etc. I really hope my fill in GP while she is on maternity leave is as good.

The specialist about my shoulders said that if I didnt have driving restrictions because of my sleep Id have to have them about my shoulders. Both are affected and it can be so painful just to steer, to the point that I wont drive at times because it woud be too painful/dangerous. Hell, just putting on a jumper most days is so painful that I cant do it.

I said something to Mum about the appointment about my shoulders and she, again, questioned what the problem actually was. She and my sister carry on about how  pathetic I am and she cant even remember my main issues. Yeah you did read that right, according to them Im pathetic and have a "low pain tolerance". With whats wrong, smashed up spine and bone substance replacing tendon in my shoulders, the fact that I do as much as I do I think is pretty good. Doctors tell me to limit what Im doing and be careful etc. but I keep going (I cant help it), her doctors tell her to actually do something and she hardly gets out of bed, let alone out of her room.

On the 6th of the month I have another sleep study, this one at home and without my CPAP machine. I have to not use my CPAP machine for 2 nights before the study. Not using the machine at the best of times is pretty detrimental to how you feel etc but given I dont really sleep much and then there is that I dont sleep properly, like not enough oxygen in my blood etc. Im not anticipating that I am going to do well during this period and that its going to take a while to bounce back as well. I dont see my specialist for that until mid-March, Im on the cancellation list for her to get in earlier but so far Ive had no luck.

This week is a big week and so is next week but after that it calms down again for a bit, which is good because my pocket really isnt that deep. Again, as much as Mum recons I should be back at work, it would be pointless at the moment. I really  dont understand how the thinks Id manage work just with my sleep issues alone. I do stuff on my tablet, like write this, do my budget etc but it takes forever. Just writing this has taken me about 4 hours so far, with dozing off, having to get up and do other stuff because I couldnt sit any longer etc. Everything takes so much longer and for many reasons, to do anything and in the end I still wind up in pain, really exhusted and generally usless for a while.

Thats probably the predominate feeling I have, useless and its just got worse since the sleep issues became so intense. Before hand, I was so limited by my back, this has gotten worse and Im more limited and now I dont sleep/sleep properly I never know if Im going to be awake or asleep at any given point and even if Im awake I dont know if Im awake or just out of bed, so I cant even guarentee that Im going to be able to do something simple at a given time to help out. Even my own appointments are hard, Ive been to some and I really shouldnt have gone, I wasnt awake enough to deal with it and the person I had the meeting with even said the same.

It does seem that they think its only stuff for them that I dont do, not that I cant, that I dont do but I have to remind them that there is heaps I either cant do myself or have had to modify how I do stuff. Like I cant do my grocery shopping anymore. Dad complains about shopping for the rest of the family and it would be a huge mess to get him to do it for me so I do it online and have it delivered. It costs me $15 a month but thats the way of it. Just my normal day to day stuff I have to use a habit tracker, where I check off the tasks Ive done so I can make sure I have done everything I need to do each day, like brush my teeth, shower etc. It works ok, when I remember to do it. Some days Im so drowsy and exhusted hours pass without me really realising that they are and little to nothing gets done and I dont even think about my check list. My memory is shocking now, so I also use to do lists and stuff like that to make sure I get things done that I need to get done, though most things dont have a set time to do things everything is somewhat open or I would always feel like I am not getting things done on time. I used to feel like I could trust myself to get shit done and done within certain timeframes, but now amongst other reasons I dont trust myself.

They all (my family) seem to fixate on the things I cant do anymore and not the reasons why or how it affects me. Like, how this is all affecting me mentally just doesnt seem to get any consideration. I have anxiety issues, I dont deal well with people (groups) and stuff and thats gotten worse but the more I pull away from that sorta thing the more Im pushed to get into larger groups of people or be around more people. The more Im expected to do stuff that I have said I dont handle anymore, especially if I actually say I cant do it, even if I havent done it in ages all the sudden its an imperitive and Im the only one that can. Its more frustrating when Mum sits in her room all day and does sweet FA and she thinks thats completely acceptable for her but not Dad or for me.

I say for Dad as well because he is really sick too. He has pretty major stomach issues, Chrons and he has stage 4 Non-Hodkins Lymphoma. He gets landed with so much stuff because my Mum wont do anything, she has her issues but she uses them to sit on her arse. The other day Dad was out and the dogs needed feeding, it was late. I was in agony with my shoulders and I had no hope of cutting the dog roll or lifting the bag of dry food and when I said something to her she said I was just to have to do it, she couldnt understand that me trying to do it was like trying to make a tree trunk wave. To top it off, none of the dogs are mine, 2 are my sisters (in a facility) and the other 2 are my Mums. I was against us getting any of the dogs because they wouldnt look after them and sure enough they didnt. They were my responcibility for ages but I wont take them back, I dont think its fair. I said no to having them for this reason, I think its a rude kick in the guts to make them my job when I said thats what would happen and was over ruled.

I had to cancel my appointment with the Dermatologist next week, the medical costs for this month are really high, like in total around 1/3 my income has gone to medical costs and I just couldnt put more too it. I really want to get the boils sorted out but its just going to have to wait a bit.

I dont have major self image issues but I have become more aware of how I look, not as a matter of self worth but as a matter of self care and respect for myself. I have been focused on my health and as such my weight, thats a long term thing. I have been making sure when I go out my hair is done and Im having regular hair cuts, Im going to try a different hair style next cut, I kinda feel like I need to have a visable "show" of the change Ive made. I have a lot of skin tags, it would cost heaps to get them taken off at the Docs but I came across a removal kit, similar to how they do sheeps tails. Im going to try this out on them. I have bought a heap of Manscaped products (I really like how they smell mainly) to try and improve my self care routine. Ive never put much into my self care routine in that respect. One area that I am getting pretty into is my beard. I grew a beard a while back purely because I couldnt be bothered shaving, additionally its hard to stand up to shave. I didnt use any special shampoo, conditioner or oil. I have all coming now but Ill be getting a beard straightener when I have the $$ for it as my beard curls up on itself. Im getting a mirror that will go on the table so I can do all of my stuff sitting down but Im going to look after my beard properly this time around. I dont know why but I really want to grow and maintain a good beard. I think a lot of it is about the visual change I can show now of the progressive change going forward to remind myself what Im doing, what Ive achieved and why Im doing it. I also want to sit down and write out my goals and reasons etc for what Im doing. Things like health and money are key reasons, money less so because damn its expensive to eat well. I think deciding to reject "Mum" in respect of the abusive shit as well as the rest of the family has led me to feeling like I have more respect for myself. I mean its pretty shitty that my Mum (and the rest of them), feel the way they do, it doesnt do much for my selfesteem that the people who are supposed to love me and know me the best think so poorly of me but less and less am I looking at them for my validation and I recognise that the defect is within her/them not me. Its easier to know this because they all do the same thing to each other, less so Mum to sister and vice versa but thats happening more and more. Its so incredibly toxic.

I have changed heaps over the past month or so, a lot in respect to how I view myself, my self worth and respect for myself. I dont think that I really had much going of either before hand but there is so much freedom when you cut ties with the weights pinning you down.

[ClockFace]

Its nearly 3:30am. I went to bed at 6:30pm, I woke at 9:30pm. I was going to go to bed about midnight again, just after Dad went to bed but I next thing it was 1:30am and I had fallen asleep at the table. I dont know what I was doing at the time but I just fell asleep. I woke up, wide awake and alert. I had a smoke, did a couple things and again next thing its a bit after 3am. This is sorta common, it happens during the day and night. For the most part I dont have a clue that Im going to fall asleep, sometimes I can tell that Im getting tired and I need to go to bed but often enough, if Im not really occupied Im at risk of just falling asleep. There again, often enough, I dont. I generally do a reasonably job of managing it, going to bed when I get any hint that Im getting sleepy, etc. Its harder at night though.

According to my CPAP device I sleep less than 4 hours a day, 70% of the time but that doesnt take into account me falling asleep randomly without my machine on, which doesnt really count as sleeping. Im still allowed to drive but only for 30min at a time and not down freeways etc. I cant work, for a few reasons but this being a major one.

Its incredibly frustrating, I cant keep a routine, make plans etc. Its so hard with appointment, Ive managed so far but its not been easy. One thing that really bugs me is watching TV series, 1/2 the time I am so lost as to whats going on because Ive dosed off and missed bits. Whats even more annoying is that this isnt always they way. I have days where I dont sleep pretty much at all. Even if I do sleep, regardless of sleeping lots or little I never sleep more than a couple hours at a time. I have insomnia of some description and I have some other sleep disorder, they are thinking complex sleep apnea.

Im already diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea, complex sleep apnea is a different beast and how they manage it is yet to be seen and how well it can be treated. I have another sleep study, this time without my machine, in a couple days. I cant use my machine from tonight on in prep for it, which is going to suck. Hopefully though, when I see my sleep specialist next month she will be able to say whats wrong for sure and how we treat it.

Some weeks ago, I started finding that every now and then it would be like I breathed but it was like I was sucking in hollow air, like I had my machine on and it stopped working for a breath or two, then I have to try and catch it back. At first it wasnt often enough for me to worry but now its become pretty regular. Now I have a regular cough on top of it. My GP has sent me for a Xray, she wants to rule out a nurothorax (I have no idea on spelling) but a small part of my lunch collsping or COPD.

Despite all this and the other stuff I have been dealing with, Im remaining reasonably in a good mood. Im not like over the moon but Im ok. Im not majorly depressed, I cant even say Im depressed. Im generally pretty reasonable, Im looking forward and planning for the future. Im looking at goals and improving myself still. I have limitations galore and I really dont know if I have a job going forward or if Im going to lose that and when/if I get better have to find a new one. There are so many things that are up in the air and I have no control over but Im focusing on what I do have control over, the things I can do things about. Some how my anxiety isnt so bad about everything, the only thing I can think is that the medication I started a while back is helping with that. Regardless of the reason, Im happy that Im able to remain calm about stuff, though I still dont deal well with things like lots of people and the like.

My letter from my GP for the NDIS is done, I just need it checked by a couple people and get some reports and it will be ready to lodge. I really hope it gets approved with no fuss and reasonably quickly. It will make a huge difference financially if I can get it and it will help me get some support that I need and cant afford. Maybe with its support Ill get back to work and Ill be able to slow my degredation.

Ive been working on my budget and meal plan for a while and they are pretty well sorted so now Im trying to work out what to do with my time again. Without a job and not being majorly depressed etc. its really hard to fill my days. Im, again, limited on what I can do. I cant do much physical, less than before because of the pain med reduction. The beard thing is going to bbe a thing going forward. When I have the $$ Im going to get a beard straightner. Its something, even after a year, I find hard is adjusting to getting paid on a set day of the month rather than regularly on a fortnightly basis.

Random thought/question. Being arrested and jailed is a thing that concerns me reasonably often, less so now days but for some reason its always been a thing that weighs on me. Not that I have done anything to deserve it, it just does. How do they go treating people with social anxieties, disabilities etc. I mean I have certain needs to be able to funtion that typical people dont, are provisions made for people like me or is it just a matter of too bad. I mean, if I was put in prision and had to deal with all the people in there all the time I would be a mess, not to mention the beds, pillows etc would be an issue and Id have trouble moving as a result.

Its nearly 6am, its taken 2.5hrs to write this so far. Im completely awake and my typical day starts shortly, my routines start at 6am if I can manage it. Ill probably end up having to have a nap in a couple hours.

While my mood is generally pretty decent, Im regularly plagued by the feeling of wanting to flee, to run away as far away as possible. Im fighting that feeling this morning pretty intensily. Its like I feel like I need to start fresh, which is why Im making these physical changes I think, trying to reinvent myself. The thing is and what Im struggling with today is that despite anything I do, how far away I run, all the medical stuff, which is so much of my life, it all follows me. Id have to have files etc transferred and I would still be going through it all. That doesnt just go away, no matter how far away I run etc. As much as I wish it would, I have to pull myself out of that daydream and come back and face the reality I can only change what I can change and slowly at that, money being a big factor in that too.

Its not a topic anyone likes to talk about, its a factor in all our lives. I think people with serious medical and mental issues this factor is much more prevelant for us than the general population. We have all the same bills as everyone else but then we have the added costs of medical bills which arent cheap. Medication racks up and so does doctors, especially psych stuff. Its not easy financially being unwell and it shouldnt be such a financial burden to carry when your not well.

Im really struggling this morning, I had a really bad night last night with my sleep. I really want to run away, I really dont want to do this anymore. I went into town to get smokes (yes I know financally dumb, Im trying). My Mum decided to txt me while Im driving to ask for a coffee. Ive asked her time and again not to txt me while Im driving. I cant read it and I dont think much of it at the time cause its just another ding, ring and you have a better chance of getting somewhere. I got home and saw the message and I told her a bit later I had her on the phone trying to get me to go BACK into town to get her a coffee. I said no, then I said she can drive in herself and she was on about how she didnt sleep last night and blah blah and I cut her off. Im so sick of hearing about how she hasnt slept, hasnt had a good night sleep or what ever and I snapped and said that I havent slept in months, Im seeing someone about my sleep, I actually have a sleep issue. Seriously, she needs to stop thinking she is the worst off in every situation and realise that sometimes some of us are actually dealing with more serious situations. She has 3 puppies she is watching over and thats it, that is the extent of her responsibilities. She lays down whenever she wants, sleeps as she pleases. Even if I sleep Im not sleeping properly, I cant get enough oxygen and I dont go through sleep cycles.

Im positive that she is going to be a bitch and decide that Im not to drive at all anymore because of this. My specialist has said I can drive for 30min, I manage it with no problems but I dont drive if I cant. Just because she wants me too doesnt mean I can, certainly not for a freaking coffee. It really isnt the morning for it, I have the fair shits up with the sleep thing and my medical stuff in general. The parental shit, Mum in particular is always on a razors edge, which if she could just pull her head in a little and realise that others apart from her are sick and treat them like it, we would get on so much better. Hell, my Dad was out dealing with some visitors and Mum tried to get hold of him, he came in after they left and in minutes she is ringing asking where he is, basically why havent you attended to my wants. Turns out she wanted him to bring her stuff down from the kitchen, which she could easily wonder on down to herself but she doesnt, she commands him most the time, to do it for her. Ive told him to say no but he keeps on doing it.

I know she has issues but what I cant understand, not even a little, is that she doesnt seem to recognise that others do as well. How can she not understand that I dont sleep, so Im going to be testy, Im going to be grumpy, Im not going to be up to doing some stuff etc. That I have pretty severe shoulder issues, along with pretty severe arthritis through out most my joints. I have a royally screwed spine. Im having breathing issue and issues keeping my O2 levels up etc etc. it all adds up and I am trying to keep going with as much as I can, without winging too much and getting in the way of what others want. She however just demands more and more of others who are sick and finding it difficult to do stuff for themselves let alone for her.

I didnt really get much done today, the hours just seemed to float by and nothing was really achieved. I did manage to get some stuff posted for sale after I got a couple hours (litterally 2.5hrs sleep) this afternoon. It was the start of sleeping without my mask and it was even less refreshing than the shit sleep Ive been getting. I didnt do my routines, I did stuff on them but not the actual routine and check off process I normally do. I did shower which Im pretty impressed with. I really hit a big low today, despite all Im doing and working on I couldnt cope with the extensive lack of sleep and quality sleep for so long and then the insensitivity of my Mum smashing on through. Im so sick of being treated like Im not sick, that Im pathetic (and being told the same) and like what Im going through/I dont matter.

Dad decided today was the day to tell me that I need to start repaying the money I borrowed to look after my sister and I got cranky with that and said that I dont think that is at all fair or justifiable given my sister stole $50k (at least) from them and she isnt even getting told off let alone asked for the money back. Its all like it never happened. I said Im not inclined to repay it given the situation, he tried making it like I didnt have a choice, but I do, I looked after my sister and gave up my time and money and income because neither he or my Mum would and now I feel like Im being punished for it. I dont have to play that game.

Eating has been an issue today, I have tried to stick to my diet but there has been some crap food sneak in and I havent actually eaten enough. Even my tea I only got through 1/2 of it. I havent been hungry and I just havent had the energy to even eat. Im so exhusted that a lot of basic shit is too hard to do, its just too much energy to participate in.

Its like 11 pm. Im going to try and get some more sleep in a minute, hopefully I can manage to get a decent amount of sleep.

[ClockFace]

Its 3am, I woke up about an hour ago. I had gone to bed at something like 7:30 and slept a couple hours, woke up and went back to bed a couple hours later. Im getting a couple hours at a time, but its not really sleep, not good sleep thats for sure. Its kinda like worse than sleep without my mask, worse than it is with it at the moment. With the mask Im not getting enough oxygen etc. Without it I would be worse, though having just looked at my Samsung Health, the results for my last few hours sleep are better than with my mask on. I really dont know what to make of that, the blood oxygen still gets real low, like 73%, which isnt good at all.

Im trying to give up smoking, other than the money side of things, health wise its pretty important. Blood oxygen level
is one thing, Im having breathing issues during the day, I had an Xray yesterday looking for a partially collasped lung or COPD, there is more and more stuff like that so I need to stop. Ive given up a drugs and alcohol in my life and by far smoking is the hardest thing Ive had to try and give up.

I need to make my meals and drinks for today, but the tiny amount of energy I have is so small that they could find the higgs boson easier.

Its funny how TV shows inadertantly shine light on things in your past. Like Im watching Sons of Anarchy and a comment was made by the Grandmother that the kid is 5 it doesnt need a shrink. It reminded me of how many times my Mum said I (and my sister) didnt need to seek professional help for our mental health through out the years. Mum lightened up with my sister after the incident with her ex (long and very tragic story) but never did for me. She said a few times that they were just going to blame her for our problems. She made it seem like thats all they did and it was their default to blame the Mum. She really raged against me going to see a Psych of any kind. It wasnt until I moved out that I did see Psychologist because of my OCD and then my first Psychiatrist because I was hearing things and then I ended up breaking down and having a Brief Psychotic Break, which my Mum lays at the feet of a co-worker who in their resignation said some nasty stuff about me and I thought we were friends. She cant for a moment admit that she plays a significant role in my mental status. I dont know how much childhood events etc come into things like schitzoaffective disorder but I know it does with other issues and I imagine it all dovetails together and the way she treated me and still does, that plays a big role in my mental shit. Im sure being treated as if I wasnt wanted and that my sister was the only one who mattered has really affected me mentally. It messes me up now days. Its more than sibling rivaly which Mum loves to push as whats going on but my sisters feelings are acknowledged where mine arent, my sister wants something 99% she gets it, if I want it I have to make it happen or go without it. Hell, my sister stole over $50k from them and its just swept under the rug, I borrow $20 for medical and to look after my sister when they wont and Im pressured for the money, despite my financial issues. Dad said to me that the greasy wheel get the oil and thats why my sister gets so much more than me. He asked me why I didnt say something about a situation I was in recently and I said why would I, this greasy wheel just gets told to be quiet. And I have, Ive always just been told to shut up, suck it up, man up etc. Like with feelings, Ive always been made to feel that its not ok for me to express them, I was told a lot that I was sensitive growing up like it was a bad thing. Mum used to ask where that person has gone, she did her best to get rid of him, ignore and dismiss my feelings, complain that Im overly sensitive for having the feelings I have etc. I stopped expressing them, I still feel them, I wouldnt say Im in touch with them anymore. I rarely understand my feelings, the physical and psychological pain I feel almost melt into one pile of pain. I was going to say the only difference is that physical pain I feel in my body not just within me. But Im pretty confident that the psychological pain causes pain I feel within my body as well. But I feel pain and be it one kind or another it all seems to feel the same. Given that I live in pain, any poking of that pain from my family or physically over doing it pushes me over the edge in almost the same way.

For a long time I was just angry all the time, I dont feel like I am so much now but I can get their pretty quickly. Its like something I am either 100% angry or pretty much not angry at all. I can feel so calm but in nano seconds I can move from this to wild. I feel like I cant possible be as calm as I feel, I have to be holding on to the anger pretty closely to go to it so quickly but at the same time I feel so calm most the time, I dont know how I can feel so angry so quickly. Probably going to have to bring this up with one of the psych type people, it does worry me a bit.

For as long as I can remember all I could feel is pain and anger, lately I feel a lot more peace. Im assuming its my new medication that is allowing that to happen, its nice. I know I must feel more than that but Im not in touch with my feelings enough to understand them at all.

Ive woken up now and I have a bit more energy, I doubt it will last long but who knows. Ive managed to get my meals and drinks organised for today. Im out of smokes now though and I have money aside for things I need to buy like fuel, bills and food I have no money left I can spend on smokes or similar. It is kinda the idea that I put money into the accounts for stuff I actually need, buy as much of it as I can as early as possible so I dont spend it on shit I dont need. Im not broke but I feel it and I really want to go buy a pack of smokes. Im resisting that urge. I have a heap of stuff on Facebook Marketplace Im selling, if it doesnt sell in next day or so it will go on eBay. I have a few things that I want to buy on Amazon and Manscaped, mainly around selfcare and the like. Its very much my focus and Im slowly getting together the stuff I need for that and building a routine. Its kinda odd, Ive always felt that was overly feminine but I dont really now, not when I look at it as selfcare and Manscaped is more a masculine way of doing things. Like its not a 5 step program to open your pores and build a starbucks, its just this product for washing your hair, this for your beard etc. The beard has 3 things in it and its the most complex. Its all I need or want, I dont want to spend an hour and a half, three times a day working on a "beauty" routine. Just a simple selfcare routine that allows me to look after my skin, hair and beard is all I need and want.

Its now the following day, Ive decided that today is it, no more smoking. I have to stop, I cant afford it but health wise I really cant afford it. Yesterday, I had the sleep study stuff on and it had a oximeter that I could see the live results and I had an episode where my breathing went weird and my O2 stats dropped like 89% it would be interesting to see what thats like through out the day. Im really starting to wonder if its not just an at night thing but a all day thing.

I think the other hard thing for me is going to be not going into town everyday. Like, I go into town to buy smokes and what not everyday and I find it hard to stay home all day everyday. Where we live there is a house across the street and another next door but between here and next door there is a lot of empty space its kinda like next door being 4 or 5 houses away. Thats kinda the closest housing around, there is a house at the back our place and houses sporatically around the place but they are the closest ones. The road out the front is a 100km road, the road on the side is 60km like normal but doesnt really lead anywhere. There is a small town on either side of us, about 7min drive in either direction and then a major town about 15 min away. The one 15 min away is where I go most the time because it has everything and the prices are better. Going there means I have some time away from everyone, theres no chance of interuption, Im just on my own I can think or do what ever I want. I dont feel like I am being watched and judged so intensily.

[ClockFace]

Im having a hard time with staying awake today. I havent been allowed to used my CPAP for the past 3 days and expected that once I was allowed to use it again Id crash out but Ive been getting an hour or so sleep getting up, dozing, going to bed, an hour or so and repeat. I really would like to get some actual sleep.

Ive touched on it before but Ive been doing a fair bit of changing and one area Im changing is my appearance. Part of that is a better skin and hair routine. I settled on a brand called Manscaped mainly because I like the smell, but also because they are good products, I dont know that they are the best or what ever but everything Ive used my skin/hair feels good, better than before anyhow. I suppose what Im saying, it smells good and its good enough elsewhere. Its better than what Ive been doing thats for sure. Ive got a beard, Ive never done anything with it but I got some beard oil and Im waiting on shampoo and conditioner. Next pay Im getting a beard straightener, its just long enough that its worthwhile.

I never bothered with a skin moisturiser before but the body spray from them is a moisturiser as well which I dont know how good it is but its a good way for me to get a moisturiser going. As Im getting older my skin is drying and I need one now days. Im noticing it a fair amount on my legs where I need to wear the compression socks as much as I do.

I know for many this is all so normal stuff, but its all quite new for me. Its a little odd and I dont have a role model to look towards for advice. I mean there are my sister and Mum but its different, they arent guys, they dont like the smells I do and they dont have experience with mens stuff to be able to say what is actually good and whats not. Dad isnt that way inclined at all, Im not a person with heaps of friends and Im unlikely to have many, especially male. I also grew up in the country, guys grew beards but other than getting it clipped once in a while that was it, more than that and your sexuality was in question.

Ive got to get back to drinking more water like I was, Ive been drinking more Monster Energy drinks than normal, they were on special and I bought a heap and I shouldnt of. I like it and that means I go overboard if I have easy access to it. I should have known better. I havent been "bad" but Ive waivered a bit on my diet and I need to be more regularly maintaining the diet. Though I am still going in the right direction weight wise. I was brushing my teeth yesterday and sat on the rim of the bath, there is a mirror on the door, which is normally blocked by a towel but yesterday no and I could see myself sitting, side on and lets say the view did not impress me. I see myself in the mirror often enough but every now and then I SEE myself and I realise that I am a big fella. Im not exaggerating or anything, numbers wise I am big and its so unhealthy. Really seeing myself has spurred me on again to pursue a healthier me. I think if anything I am a bit delusional about how big I am in that I think Im not that big but there are moments where it hits me. I have to hold onto that realisation, I have to hold on to how my blood work has changed so much with the weight loss.

Im stopping the medication Ive been taking to help with the weight loss, I dont think its helped much more than my actual diet and it costs $150 a month, which is a fair chunk of change that I dont know I can justify for the results Im getting. If it turns out that I am better on it, like a lot better then I can always go back on it.

Ive been looking at some other products from Manscaped, while I have a beard there is a little bit on the cheek that I shave. Normal shavers are annoying because of the multiple blades thing, getting a clear straight line is hard so Im going to get an old school safety shaver and they have a shaving gel meant for below the waist but its clear, so Im going to get that, it will be so much easier than normal stuff. They have a balm as well for beards, for styling it which I wasnt going to bother with but its good to keep all the stray hairs etc in check so I might get that for when Im going out etc. I get a lot of stray hairs and they bug me so it will be good to be able to tame them. Im sure my Dad sees it all as a waste of money but it does make me feel so much better to present myself better. Also, if it does come down to it and I lose my job at work (which I think is pretty likely) then Ill look my best when I apply for new jobs.

I think if Im going to put all this effort into my health then I should put some effort into how I present myself, eventually both of those things will merge and I will be a healthy person, a healthy weight and appear healthy, so when I do my hair and beard etc it will highlight rather than make something crappy look less so.

Im still struggling with dozing on and off, Im really tired. I got a couple hours sleep over night but not much. I have someone coming to pick up a smoker/BBQ thing I got for Christmas a few years back that I never used. At the time I was interested in making my own jerky and had been thinking of getting a smoker and Mum in all her wisdom decided to buy this one for me, taking away my choice in what one I wanted, even the kind I wanted. She got a coal one where I was leaning towards gas, for a lot of reasons. But Mum saw this and it was CHEAP in comparrison to what I was looking at so whammo I got it for Christmas. She does this so often, its like she steals what you want and gives you something similar that she has decided you can do with or need and wants you to thank her and for you to be happy. Again another reason Ive stopped with the whole gift giving thing, I dont get what I want, I get something similar to it. Id rather have to wait a bit longer and get the item I want or decide what I am willing to settle on rather than having what I am going to settle for forced upon me. I dunno, it might make me sound ungrateful but if my sister, or parents want something I get them the thing they want not something close and then expect them to be super excited to have a cut down, lower quality, not quite as good item because I found it for a "good" price.

This is the thing with Mum and her "good" price or similar 2nd hand etc. It doesnt work, you are missing out on something, typically quality and its typically done because she has put no value on what you want to do with it. When you are looking at 2nd hand you limit your marketplace, no warrantly, etc. and you hardly ever get exactly what you want, you always have to comprimise. Sure if you cant afford any better then it might be the way to go, personally I tend to wait longer and save more to get what I want. Dad keeps saying about $5k for a car for me, like thats what I should save up as a budget, but Ive set mine at $7500 because thats where the cars I am interested in getting sit. The cars Im interested in are a better brand, has a better reputation and therefore likely to last longer and be better than buying a cheaper car and again doing what I have done time and again and ending up that the car packs it in. The 5k mark for a car just gets a car thats gonna run a few years so you can get a better car and that never happens for me.

Im feeling really confident that my employer just wants me gone, they asked me to resign and I referred it to my union. But nothing has really happened in like 2 weeks and I keep thinking about it and keep thinking that work is just going to push for me to leave. I just have to work out if resigning or them firing me is the better way to go. If I do leave, which ever way it happens I have 4 weeks annual leave that will be cashed out, I have around 3k of shares Ill get access to as well, which gets me pretty close to buying my car. I will continue to get income protection payments for around a year during which I can get better without pressure to return to work. Ill just have to try and find a job when its done, thats if my doctor says I can go back to work at that point. Currently, she is of the opinion that I cant and wont without significant support.

I dont get my Dad, Im at my tablet working away, today I was doing a lengthy email about my NDIS application, he comes in and he just starts talking about shit, like Im just sitting waiting for him to talk to me and that my day would be complete without this broken conversation. Its hard, I have trouble with concentration and remembering things and to be interupted everytime is so damn annoying and frustrating.

Ive been focusing on creating a goals list today (overnight) and Im going to put into a tracker next. One of my goals is to quit smoking and I keep buying smokes and Im disappointed in myself every time I do. Even this morning, going to get a pack I felt so shitty doing it. I told Dad I was gonna be back in a minute and he, like always, questioned wwwhere I was going and what I was doing, what I was getting. Its really frustrating, like at my age I dont need to answer 20 questions whenever I leave the house, especially when he would know what Im doing. Its worse at the moment cause I have to admit to him that I am getting another damn pack of smokes.

Im trying to do this NDIS shit, I feel like I am Im drowing in a mirage, like everything I touch with it disappears, its not real, its not actually what you need. Like Im trying to get letters of support, which is super hard but then I get told I have to fill in a form for them to do it but the form is for them to fill in but they dont do it because they done have time, which is fine but how do I fill it in? I dont understand what is being asked. There isnt any guide posts to what you need to do, its like you're told to go and prepare the application but no one tells you what that looks like, what I actually need to do, the forms I need to fill in, how to fill them in, nothing. Its like being told to write an essay and its 100% of your grades, your not told how many words, the topic other than its your illnesses and they need to be specifically supported, but not how or in what way. Even more entertainingly you're told during this process that the criteria that you're assessed on might change but you wont be told how or when. Seriously, its just a huge headache and at the end of it all I could just be rejected on one minor thing which might take out the entire application. Ive been working on the application for literally months and I felt like I was close but Im still so far away.

[ClockFace]

A day or so ago I went to bed early afternoon and slept on and off until early evening the following day. I was asleep for the most part of it, which is really unusual for me. Generally, Im the opposite way around. It was kinda nice but at the same time, I didnt feel like I had recouperated much before I was back to hardly sleeping. Also, it was all a few hours at a time, not multiple hours sleep at a time.
Since then its been pretty much back to normal, the hassle that Im facing at the moment is boredom. I had a few projects etc I was working on that was keeping me occupied, especially at night, early morning but they are finished and I dont really know what to do with myself now. I need to find something to keep the boredom at bay but its more important now because we have reduced my pain medication further and Im in a lot more pain this time around. Boredom will only amplify the pain, if Im entertained, if I have something keeping my mind off the pain it will be far more barable until I get used to this level of pain.

Ive got injections into my shoulder tomorrow to see if that helps the shoulder issue longer term this time around. My specialist doesnt think they did it right last time.

I am waiting on a support letter from my psychiatrist for my NDIS application now and then I can lodge my application. I was going to wait for a letter from my sleep specialist but she isnt even going to look at my request untl our next appointment in mid March and I just cant wait that long. I dont think Im going to get a support letter about my back. I get that they dont get paid for them and they should but specialist are very dismissive about doing anything in regards to patients getting NDIS, often not even answering the request one way or the other.

I had my injections into my shoulder today, its a series of local and steroid but part way through they repeatedly stab at the lump of calcium deposit thats in my shoulder. Well, as it turns out, one of two lumps. They found a second lump in a different location in my shoulder. They are also getting worried about me developing frozen shoulder. They didnt seem too hopeful that Ill get long term relief because the lump was pretty solid, meaning its been there a number of years, if it were softer then it would ooze out when they poked holes and relief would then follow, hard not so much. So, from what I can infer the whole needing surgery comes to mind again, but thats not gonna happen, not any time in the next year or so if I do really well with losing weight.

The local was enough to keep the pain ok until I got home shortly after that, it was less fun for several hours. It seemed to calm down so I popped back into town to get a few things I couldnt get when I went in earlier. OMG, I was in so much pain by the time I got home and I really didnt do that much, I think it was the driving, it was too much. Its calmed down now but its still pretty sore still, typing hurts a fair bit so Im not doing much at a time. I did realise on the way home I have watered down blood down my arm which was a little embarrasing.

TRIGGER WARNING - Drugs & Alcohol

Im having a pretty rough night tonight, Im in a fair bit of pain but Mum has clearly taken extra medication. She says that it is because she is tired and it happens sometimes, which is her go to excuse but I really dont buy it. The best way of describing how she is when she is like this is absolutly wasted, like she staggers around, slurs words, etc. Im a recovering alcoholic and I have had my experiences with drugs, both of which I have had to give up. Drugs I went the hard solo way at home but alcohol I had to go into a clinic etc, the whole thing and it was hard and its not like I came out with no desire, no urge to drink. I just struggle through each day trying to avoid paying to much attention to the urge to go and buy several bottles and finding somewhere quiet, where no one can stop me and getting blind drunk. Its a pretty regular issue that I have to face, you see people drinking on TV and thats it your mind is stuck on it. Its not the drinking itself, its the relief that comes as a result, less pain, eventually you dont notice any, anxiety reduces, again to the point you dont notice, eventually nothing matters much at all and for a brief period of time that weight that weights you down constantly, you dont feel it anymore and you feel relief, you feel happy, your at some kind of piece. Yes its all bullshit, its temporary and doesnt actually fix the problem and when it becomes your main way of dealing with the problem then it becomes its own problem but it does work. Same goes with drugs, you just get there quicker. Having to deal with someone who appears that way is incredibly frustrating. All I want to do is be right there next to her getting hammered, chasing that relief but I get to mess about with someone who is messy and rubbing in my face that they can do the thing that they had an issue with me doing, keeping in mind I was forced into quitting, it wasnt my choice. Between my parents and my GP I was backed into a corner where I had a choice but giving up was the most appealing one of the two. Mum wanted me to come and have a coffee with her, this while Im trying to get her to go to bed and sleep what ever this is off. Im trying to delicatly explain how I dont want to be around her when she is like this, I want nothing to do with her though I didnt say that. She knowing my past, you would think would appreciate why I am not wanting to be around her but no, it was taken personally.

Its been over 2 years since Ive had a drink and I still crave it, maybe not as intensly as I did when I was drinking but still it has a bit of a hold over me. Id like to think one day it would ease up but I do think its going to be an issue Ill have forever. Often enough, walking past bottle-os can be a trigger, let alone meals with friends in bars etc. You think, one drink would be ok but I know one drink would lead to being broke in a day/night. Once I start Id have no self-control and I would just power on. Its a pretty humbling thing to know that Im that weak but empowering that I stop myself getting into that position to begin with.

I went to bed around midnight, I was in pain but I was really tired so I hoped I wouldnt have any issues. Same thought about thinking, I wanted to be tired enough that I fell asleep reasonably quickly and wasnt stuck thinking about drinking. I didnt sit thinking but pain was a bit of an issue, trying to find a comfortable or the least uncomfortable positition to lay in. I managed 1.5 hours and the pain woke me up, seriously the pain is really up there.

Im cant reach out with my arm, lifting anything up is really painful, just moving my arm is painful. I cant find a spot to put it in that doesnt ache real bad, though it is better being out of bed, Im either laying on my shoulder or my arm is dropping down both hurt a lot. Getting in and out of bed is hard as hell because I cant put any weight on my shoulder. I really dont know what to do with myself, though I am thinking Im going to have one of the longer acting pain killers that Ive given up, simply so I can sleep and stay that way.

I tried Quest Protein Bars, which I recon I have before and wasnt a fan of, because I ran out of what I have started with and the quest bars are pretty good plus stats wise better than what Ive started with. Being "mainstream" I can shop around and found them cheaper than RRP so Ill save some money, so I recon Ill change over to them. It does mean Ill have another place to buy from. I am one to limit the number of places I buy from, theres a loyalty thing I have but also my Dad seems to think I am spending less if I am getting less deliveries, not that Im spending less getting more deliveries from different places to get the best deal. He just sees the deliveries and assumes.

He does that a lot, he looks at what Im doing or what he thinks Im not doing and assumes he know what is going on and then gets all hot and bothered without talking to me about it. Mum does the same thing, with even less information because she is down in her room the whole time. Dad says Mum said such and such and Mum does the same when they didnt actually say what is being claimed, they might have said something similar but not the same emphasis. Mum has this tendancy to hear what she wants to hear. Like I say I might go back into town, she heard today (not for the first time) that I was. I had no idea if my shoulder was going to be up for it or not. Dont leave what you need for me, when Dad is going in because you have decided that I am, when I said I might and then get ticked off when I reemphasise that I said might, meaning I may not too. Its almost at a point that I am going to refrain from saying that I might and if I do then well and good. Ill probably get in trouble though for not saying I was going to, or might, earlier.

She keeps going on that people need to come and tell her that they are going into town when they do in case she wants something. I dont normally have much in the way of capacity to go get her crap as well, nor do I want to. Most the time Im popping in quickly not for an hour. I buy 90% of my stuff online for a reason. But, if you want something and in general someone goes into town daily, send Dad a text with what you want and you wont miss out, be proactive, but she will not get this through her head. She keeps doing the same thing thats causing an issue over and over again.

Its the same with her medication, she keeps getting to the last of her meds, the very last tablet and then telling Dad she needs more, normally just before she needs to take them, which is just in time for Dad to drop everything and race into town and get what she needs. Which is completely unfair on Dad, especially if he has been in already that day. So, we have been pushing a Webster Pack, everyone else in the family uses them. She simply wont do it, she doesnt want to lose control of her medication, but she isnt in control, she controls Dad by guilting him into going to get the meds urgently every time.

Im pretty strapped for cash this month, I had a budget but smoking was supposed to stop for it to work and Im really struggling not to smoke. Ive been selling stuff over the past 6 or 8 weeks and thats whats kept me going, the occassional sale. Im not a hugely religious person but I do have to believe that it has been Gods intervention that I have been able to keep going like I have. You know, sales happening just as I need the money to come in. Im not like getting ahead but Im making ends meet and I have a fair amount of peace about it all. Its weird, Im just not stressing and Im not asking for help, but ends are being met. That said, I really do need to stop smoking, my budget doesnt allow for it, plus with all my health issues its just so DUMB for me to be doing it. Easier said than done though, especially when Im in a lot of pain.

Im trying to keep myself occupied and not take the extra pain killers, as much as I want to. Ive reduced my base pain meds a step, its a big step between my dose and the next one down (under GP supervision of course). Which might not have happened at the best time considering. I want to do my very best to lower my pain meds and convince the specialists to do more, though I dont know that Im going to be able to lower them further. Its supposed to be that as I lower it my body readjusts and the hyperalgesia lessens, which is in part happening but I am also being able to do less and less through the day. Other than having the TV going, keeping myself occupied with stuff is one of the best ways I have of fighting through pain. Just distracting myself from it as much as I can. Its kinda working tonight/this morning (its 5am now) but the pain shoots through every now and then.

Im still losing weight, its going to take a long time to get to a healthy weight though. Im not sure how low I have to go but Id have to lose a few kgs to be within the BMI to have a chance with the anesthetist signing off. Going by my current progress Id hit the first milestone around the same time I see my specialist again, so he might be ok with it though he is worried about his ability to perform the surgery himself given my weight. There again, by the time I see him, see the anesthetist and getting their ok and then making an actual surgery date Id lose a fair bit more weight.

Ive become a bit more focused on my weight as a key indicator of my overall health lately. Seeing myself seated in the mirror and realising just how big I am keeps playing on my mind. There is no way I can be remotely healthy and look the way I do, be the size I am. I was going to stop my medication which helps with diabetes as well, but it does a really good job with curbing my appetite, which I didnt realise until I stopped. Im awake so much more than most so I get hungry more often, the medication limits this, so I am going to continue with it but its $150 a month so I have to wait until I get paid again on/around the 26th of the month. From there I have budgetted it, so it will be covered again. Thankfully I dont need to ease into the medication it doesnt have side affects on me that need me to worry about that. Also good because there is a shortage and they are only doing the full dose.

From the month after next Ive budgetted $100 a month to pay towards the loan for Dad. I figure some of the money I borrowed was for my medical costs and I need to pay that back but Im still pretty loathed to cop the cost of paying to do his job in looking after my sister when she was sick. I was broke and struggling (still am) at the time and he just landed me with those costs because he didnt want to do what needed to be done and instead left it too me. He is so arrogant though that he wont admit that and Im not my sister so my Mum wont do what she would for my sister and tell my Dad that Im not to pay and he is.

My Dad has had an attitude going for some time now and Im well and truely over it. He complains about everything, it doesnt matter if people are helping, not helping, if people are not going out, going out, saving money or spending it he just complains about everything but he does nothing to be constructive himself to help the situation. What he does is dig his heels in and make the situation as bad as possible, he ignores the issues that we are facing and focuses on the contrived BS that he is making up for himself.

Mum isnt making my life any easier, she complains about any time I get help from her, she complains to Dad then when I get the shits at how minor the help is that she is complaining about and that every time I get help I repay that help in full ASAP. We just butted heads over this tonight and she retracted everything and scrambled trying to make out she didnt say what she obviously has. She blamed me for smoking a heap of her smokes over night and keeping her awake, yet I didnt touch them. Then it was about how I have in the past, which is not what she was on about, but Dad came down and had a crack at me about it.

[ClockFace]

For most of my life I have suffered from really bad acne and boils, like painful shit. I am fortunate in many ways that it never affected my face much, it was primarily my back, thighs, underarms, chest, etc. Areas that could be hidden. However the boils in particular, could be extremely painful, especially if on the back of the legs or butt and I had to sit on them. I have tried all sorts of stuff to control them, to limit the number of boils, even just how bad they are to no avail. Well it turns out, it might be something that I have eaten my whole life. Im thinking milk. As Ive said Ive changed my diet significantly recently and something that I have noticed is that boils and acne have really reduced, may Mum saw my back the other day and also noted the reduction. It was once that I had multiple boils at any one time and currently its been some time since Ive had one at all. Im thinking that it is a problem with milk because I have stopped drinking milk as a rule and I drink Oat milk instead. I drink cow milk occasionally but like a litre a week/fortnight not 2 or so a day. It could also be that there is something in Oat milk that is helping me or something entirely different. I did just google cow milk and acne and there does seem to be a link between the two. If only I knew, it was suggested, anything at some point that there might be a link and I made the change years ago. The pain I would have missed out on but also the level self consciousness I have felt because of the scarring. While sexual relationships are not something of a priority for me at all, the amount of scarring around that area of my body made the idea of sexual relationships even less so appealing because of the amount of shame I have from all the scarring.

Im desperately trying to make a few very significant changes. The main one is to quit smoking, for a number of reasons. I have bladder cancer so smoking isnt a great idea with having cancer already. I have a number of illnesses that are affected by, potentially made worse by, etc smoking so again its not a great idea for me to be smoking. Generally health wise smoking isnt a good idea and I am pretty focused on improving my overall health so it would make sense that I would stop just on this factor alone. Then there is the whole money side of things. It costs so damn much and my budget just doesnt allow for it.

Which brings me onto the to another significant change. I have developed a budget which schedules all the grocery, bills etc purchases I have to make in a month. Im currently being paid monthly so I organise everything on a monthly basis. But it means that effectively I need to buy stuff once a month, maybe twice but before I used to go in regularly and buy groceries etc. I was reactive to my needs not prepared for them. But I feel like I am missing out, its not quite it, that Im going to go without because I am only shopping once or twice a month not regularly. I feel like I need to go in pretty much daily and buy something because I have for so many years, but now it isnt necessary at all and Im struggling to come to terms with that. Im not one to change rapidly, especially established routines etc. Its probably one of my biggest failings is my difficulty to change in my personal life. In a work environment I dont have a problem, because my routine is to work not what I do so much at work. They pay me to be there and do what is asked of me and thats basically the way I think about my time at work.

Today has been a shit show, I have been getting short stints of sleep, like 2hrs max and waking up but Im not really awake, Im still pretty well asleep and dosing off ½ the time. I properly woke up around 1pm and my whole day is shot, all my routines are out and Im so far out that I cant get back in. Oddly though Im ok(ish) about it. Its kinda like its so stuffed its not worth even recognising today as a legit day. It did however mess my medications up, so Im feeling pretty off because of that.

Ive had a pretty average few days, Mum and Dad have been at it again, this time Im getting a far different view point on things. Mum isnt wholly in the right and she needs to stop thinking she is or that Dad is wrong so that absolves her of her sins in the situation but Dad he is so full of shit. So many times today he has said that Mum said that I had said something and I corrected him and he backed down and then he said that she had said something, which didnt make sense that she would say but does make sense that he would and would in quite a nasty way and meant to hurt, which it did. True or not, the delivery that Mum had already told me about when he said this to her was out of line. Keeping in mind, Ive not been a huge fan of Mum for sometime, in that I think a lot of what she goes on about is bullshit too.

I did also realise that this has been one of very few episodes where they have been actively going at it lately and it dawned on me that the only difference is my sister isnt around. She inserts herself into the arguments and when Mum goes on about an issue, dredges stuff up from years ago, has a whinge about something she gets into it and fires it up and then there is an issue. I recon 90% of the arguments between Mum and Dad would be avoided if my sister shut up and stayed out of it and this period without her around kinda confirms it. Though Mum wont even acknowledge that there has been less carry on between them.

The other thing thats of interest to me is my diet. Immediately with the fight I wanted to eat more, I was hungry a lot more. I thought it was to do with not taking one of my medications at the moment but today I have little appetite, Ive eaten quite a bit less. I feel more apprehensive and like wound up, where as I did feel pretty relaxed and calm lately. Even my legs and back are more painful than normal, like all the muscles have tensed up.

I left home for over a decade before moving home when I got sick. In that time the whole dynamic of the family changed and my sister became intertwined with my parents relationship, which Mum will not see as being a bad thing. I dont trust my sister a great deal, with cause, she has shown that she will twist things around so she can say she isnt technically lying but at the same time she isnt telling the actual truth either. It doesnt matter, so long as she gets her way, be damned how it pans out for anyone else. So you have that in the mix, my Dad telling what ever he wants that makes himself appear in the best light and get what he wants and my Mum just telling everyone what she demands of them the whole time. Its just freaking toxic.

Ive steered clear of it some what but if I could Id so be gone and rear view the lot. I love them but they are so not healthy for me. Im trying to get on the NDIS at the moment and there are a few things going on, if it turns out that I have no job to go back to, there is a chance that I might take this opportunity to find new opportunities which might not involve me staying at home. Im not sure how Id manage it but its definitely something for me to look into.

If my Mum talks about drinking to me again tonight I think Im going to scream. Ive told her that Im struggling, like if I had the money I would have found my way into a bottle tonight, no two ways about it, it would have happened. So, of course she is taking every opportunity and even creating some to bring up the topic of her wanting to drink, like the two even compare. Im trying to avoid thinking about it, Im trying to keep distracted and she keeps mentioning it, its not at all helpful.

My Union has spoken with my employer, Im still waiting to find out what the outcome will be. My manager had to speak to their manager or something about the proposal. Im kinda hoping they say no and we can proceed to them firing me or me resigning, whatever is better for me. The way things are sounding the chances that Im going to actually return to work anytime soon are pretty slim, I could get a car with the payout Id get. I dont know that I really want to fight to keep my job if they dont want to keep me around. Ive lacked a fair bit of satisfaction from my job for a long time because they just give me the scraps. What Id do for money/work if I didnt have my job I have no idea. Even if I got onto disability payments, it is scraping a living no chance to really improve my lot in life. What purpose would I have. Thats a problem I have now, what purpose do I have in life. Im not working, Im perpetually unwell, I just exist one day to the next with no drive and little reason to get up and keep going. I do because, well thats what you do and I have hope that at some point I might get better and be able to go to work.

My sister decided to do one of those ancestory things, given the results would be the same for her and I, I decided that I would go 1/2s in it. That was 2 months ago and nothings happened. Last I heard she had a swab to do and we were away but it hasnt been done. So, I asked her about it today and in the end I said I wanted my $$ back until she decided to actually do it, I mean 2 months and granted she has been in hospital but she hasnt spoken to me about it at all and I dont see why she should have my money and not have paid for what I gave it to her for. Dads now telling me he thinks she has paid for it which she didnt tell me when I asked. I even said that I dont think she should have my money and not use it for what I gave it to her for. The most I got out of her was to F Off.

Ever since I helped her through her time in hospital with her break down she has basically told me to get bent. Towards the end I had to stop helping so much, it was too much on me and I wasnt coping, its a big part of the reason Im not working at the moment and ever since she has had an attitude with me, like I didnt do enough. Its like she helped me and she expected me to do the same in return no matter what happened to me in the process.

Ive had words with Dad and told him he needs to work it out. He said its likely that she will tell him to F Off as well, which is true. Im so done with her and her attitude. Starting fights when none needs to exist, stirring trouble, lying etc. I actually think I might be done with her until she appologises to me and the rest of the family. She has gotten everything she wants out of Mum, often at my expense and now she is acting like she is just entitled to whatever she wants. She talks to me like shit constantly, unless she is around the new guy. Who she has ignored everyone ever since meeting. Again, Im about ready to pack my shit and just leave and basically have nothing to do with them anymore.

[PizzaMondo]

Hi there @ClockFace

Firstly, I want to thank you for sharing with us here today. I can hear that there a multitude of different things going on for you right now. What came out to me and I'd like to highlight is your self-awareness that is so visible within your post. Sounds like you have such insight into your personal health - what is going on, what needs to be done/changed, what you'd like to do to improve, and at the same time, a deeper understanding of your needs within your family dynamic.

Secondly, I couldn't help but wonder if you have previous set any boundaries with your mother (e.g. a boundary around mindful conversation related to struggles/drinking) and sister?

Lastly, I can understand, relate and empathise all at the same time when you mentioned existing one day to the next due to your personal health and wellbeing - it's not easy and I know it can be very difficult to keep that momentum going - to keep going.. but you're on this journey now and we're here for ya too, and I'd like to encourage you to keep asking those existential questions - I'm curious what gets you out of bed everyday? What kinda things bring you joy? I know for me there are some silly things like, pop tarts in the toaster, or the ducks down at the nearby creek, or a good book (which of course I can also read in bed!), but also my love for connection, in space such as these and through peer work. It can be hard to work in a place where you feel low satisfaction, like you're not appreciated for what you bring to the table, so I wonder what it would look like to identify your strengths to highlight areas of work that could work potentially for yourself within your personal capacity - when you feel well enough too.

Hope you can rest today and that your day can go smoothly!

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

[ClockFace]

I was going to say that there isnt much that fills me with joy, but looking to the future does now, I actually see hope in it. I dont know whats going on with employment, I dont know whats going on with aspects of my health but the stuff I do know of my future, I see hope and the potential that things will change. 

If I dont have a job soon I dont know what I would want to do, Ive never sat and really gone for a job I want, its been a job I can get that pays a decent amount of money. It would be nice to find a job that Id actually want to do (Ive been in debt collection for over 15 years, not top of the list of things people aspire too)

Ive been told before that I have good insight into my personal health/well being etc. It always seems weird to me because I figure everyone would have the same ability to see their lives through that perspective.

[ClockFace]

After a life time of watching my sister get away with pretty well everything, borrowing money and not paying it back (from my parents), claiming they owe her money they dont and being given it, just out and out stealing from them and charming her way with Mum it might all just be crashing down around her.

Im not gloating, Ive borrowed money and I make sure I pay them back. I am honest with them and I say what mean, I dont play one against the other, I dont tell them what I think they want to hear, say and do things that will get me in the good books so I can get stuff from them. If I think, say, act how they dont like and they withhold support based on that then thats their issue not mine, I might suffer short term but long term I can live with myself, knowing I wasnt deceitful and I was true to myself.

Now, my sister just keeps stepping into it over and over. She keeps borrowing money from Mum (who is on a pension as well) and not paying her back. She apparently didnt pay a heap of bills that her insurance covered her for and now her income is being garnished.

Overall we arent talking a few hundred or even thousand, but tens of thousands, the whole time my Mum is spouting off about how good my sister is with her money. No one could convince her otherwise. Me, I struggled, pretty well constantly and I was told how crap I was with money and implied I should be more like my sister. The difference was I wasnt taking money from Mum and Dad, or other sources. It really is no wonder my sister has so many anxiety issues.

It does feel kinda good that things might actually start coming out and maybe Mum might realise what my sister is truely about. Maybe part of that is that I might feel a bit of vindication that Im not this massive bleep up and my sister is a poster child for what they expected from us as adults. Im not saying that I have managed life ideally, Ive made plenty of mistakes and taken wrong turns but Ive had some major challenges and unlike my sister I didnt have a health care card, I dont get bulk billed, I pay far more for my medical costs than her and I dont really earn a significant amount more, but just enough to be over the low income threshold. I didnt have Mum trying to “even the playing field” by favoring her with things, making it that she would get a little more than me or get stuff I didnt because I earned more. I worked, she didnt, I also had higher non-negotiable expenses. Like I cant afford a dog, let alone 2, which my sister has. But there again my Dad pays for feeding those dogs and most the vet costs, I dont get anything similar. Like I dont get an allowance to do something Id enjoy etc, not that I should and thats kinda the point. Im not suggesting that either of us should be getting these things, the fact is she has been and I havent and my Mum cant see that she favors my sister. So yeah, Im not gloating but I am really anticipating that some realisations might be made and I might not be the dip shit son that cant work out life in any way.

Despite my challenges and the fact that before I got sick I lived out of home somewhat successfully, they do seem to have a view that Im pretty useless. They dont see how my illnesses, while still trying to work (Im not at the moment) and deal with the BS between my parents and sister would impair my ability to function at my fullest. Even when Im doing something well or right its not good enough. For the longest time after I had to stop work, which is essentially due to trying to look after my sister when she got sick, which Im not sure was even legit anymore, I was getting told by my Mum and Dad that I should be back at work. Its no wonder my mental health has been firmly in a sewer system for so long. Seriously, its a wonder I have come out so intact as I am, neither parent or sister would admit the severity of how crap that have treated me over the years, especially in light of my sisters crap. But I can look to myself and be proud that I have risen above in the long run, Im planning for the future, Im bettering myself despite all the crap they have put in my way over my life.

[ClockFace]

Im getting real tired of my Mums attitude towards me. She wanted something printed today, I only use Android systems and can only print limited things as such and also because I dont know how to fully use the printer on the Android system. What she sent me I couldnt print because I couldnt get it in a format that I knew how to print and the attachment she eventually did send was an Apple (she uses iPhone) format so wouldnt work for me. She also wanted it enlarged and cropped, which I dont have apps for that and Im not buying and learning how to use those apps, also in the hope I can then print them off. The whole way along she told me how I was wrong, how I just needed to do this or that because she could do it at work (20 years ago), this dispite me telling her I was on Android not Windows. Windows is far superior for printing, but for my normal purposes Android is what all I need. If she wasnt telling me how I was doing it wrong, it was that I should just try or basically I was making it hard because I didnt want to do it. So, what Mum was saying, is on such a minor thing, something that would take me less time to print if it were in a format that I could have, I spent time telling her how I couldnt because Im not trustworthy enough, because for some unknown reason I would lie about something so insignificant.

Yesterday afternoon she wanted a meal from a takeaway in town, I went in for some stuff and attempted to get it for her however was unable to get a car park, so I couldnt get it for her. I let her know and when I got home I was asked how long I waited for a car park, in her mind I should sit in the car, on the road and wait for a car park. I said I didnt there wasnt anywhere to wait. Dad went in later that night and by the time he finished what he was doing they were shut. He didnt call her and came home, he was berated for not ringing.

Today I went in again, most days I do, its not a long drive, I again tried but they were out of some stuff she wanted and the other stuff was a 20 min wait. I have been in agony today, like serious pain with my back, a really bad day and she is aware. The seats weren’t padded and they were tiny and I am not. There was no way I would last sitting in those seats for 5 min let alone 20 and thats on the provision they were honestly 20 min wait, that could easily be much longer. Added to that, if I am unoccupied, even if I am, I am quite likely to fall asleep, due to a medical condition being investigated, which she is also aware of. I rang to let her know and I got 3000 questions, why dont I do this, why cant I do that, cant I sit in the car, cant I go off and do something else. I said no to all of that, not to mention the above, why should I wait 20 min for her tea when she had ample opportunity to get off her arse and drive in and do it her damn self, but she wouldnt want to get up, shower, get dressed and then have to drive in. So her being lazy trumps my medical issues.

She spends her whole day in her room, commanding the lives of everyone around her (I dutifully ignore) and unless it is an absolute imperitive she wont get up and come out her room. She rarely showers, she rarely changes clothes (sleeps in same stuff she wears during the day), she does very little during the day, other than sit on the edge of her bed and play on her phone/watch TV. She complains that its because she has had surgery on her heart and she has an aquired brain injury, which Im sure does play a role. But, these are all satisfactory reasons for her not to do much, not to participate in household tasks, to doll out her personal tasks to others because she “cant” possible do them, ie make a phone call, pick stuff up from the shops, etc. She cant do much of anything because of her issues which my Dad tells me the doctors have said shouldnt be impacting her this much. But when it comes to my issues, if they are impacting me, then Im lazy, pathetic or just getting in her way to be difficult and a fight ensues. Today, as I said I am in a hell of a lot of pain, Ive had to use my walking stick when I went to the shops, it has been ages since Ive had to do that. There has been a major weather change which triggers major pain, but also I have been reducing my pain medication because of hyperalgesia, so I am on a very small amount (comparativly speaking). Ive taken some spare very strong pain medication that I have to try and help, its took the edge off but thats worn off well and truely. For those unaware, I have multiple wedge fractures in my T7-T10 which has caused a 40 degree kink in my spine, amongst other things. Using my walking stick meant that I was putting a lot of pressure on my shoulder, my shoulders have Calcific Tendonitis, which is where tendons when injured get replaced with calcium, I kinda grow bone instead of tendons, which is really painful. The extra pressure didnt help that. So, I dont really feel like being told how I havent done enough to please my Mum who cant get of her arse to do it herself and feels completely justified in this and will defend it when its challenged.

I decided to talk to Mum about how she was making me feel and the attitude I copped was astounding. I got a very forced sorry and I challenged her on both and didnt really get far. She cant admit that she might be at fault about anything. Its like I should just accept how she treats me and have no feelings about it.

Ive been thinking about my future, what I can do work wise other than working where I am. If I lose my job I have no idea what Id do for work. I have kinda fallen into debt collection and before that I went from job to job. I have no real qualifications, I didnt study beyond high school other than an on the job training thing in administration, that hasnt done a thing to help me since. Anyhow, I have been thinking about app developer. Ive looked at courses to do and for Android at least the intro courses appear to be free and then as they become more advanced there are fees, but I would need a decent Windows based laptop to run the software. If I can get onto the NDIS Im hoping they will support me in paying for the laptop and eventually the advanced courses. I have some ideas for apps, there are a fair number that are good but miss the mark on a few things or could just be better. Id like to develop apps that are really well rounded and just do what people want them to do across the board, really well thought out and executed. I could also develop apps for people etc.

It would be something I could work at, especially my own stuff, at my own pace and with minimal pressure. I would set myself my own goals and targets but if I was in pain and not able to work or work to my fullest it would only be me that is impacted and I wouldnt have an employer on my back. I could also do it and work elsewhere and developer be a hobby to make extra money on the side sorta thing.

I went to bed in a lot of pain last night, a few hours later I have woken up and I am still in a heap of pain, my back just wont calm down. The pain is really bad. I have a few things I need to do today but Ill have to rest most the day again. I dont really know what else to do. Im having a bit of trouble walking, my left leg doesnt really want to do what I want it too, its not uncommon when my pain gets bad, but its pretty frustrating. I have a pretty bad headache as well, which is annoying the hell out of me. Im about to have a hot shower and try and calm my muscles a bit.