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  • Author : ClockFace
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  • Topic : Something’s not right
18 Feb 2024 10:50 PM
Senior Contributor

For most of my life I have suffered from really bad acne and boils, like painful shit. I am fortunate in many ways that it never affected my face much, it was primarily my back, thighs, underarms, chest, etc. Areas that could be hidden. However the boils in particular, could be extremely painful, especially if on the back of the legs or butt and I had to sit on them. I have tried all sorts of stuff to control them, to limit the number of boils, even just how bad they are to no avail. Well it turns out, it might be something that I have eaten my whole life. Im thinking milk. As Ive said Ive changed my diet significantly recently and something that I have noticed is that boils and acne have really reduced, may Mum saw my back the other day and also noted the reduction. It was once that I had multiple boils at any one time and currently its been some time since Ive had one at all. Im thinking that it is a problem with milk because I have stopped drinking milk as a rule and I drink Oat milk instead. I drink cow milk occasionally but like a litre a week/fortnight not 2 or so a day. It could also be that there is something in Oat milk that is helping me or something entirely different. I did just google cow milk and acne and there does seem to be a link between the two. If only I knew, it was suggested, anything at some point that there might be a link and I made the change years ago. The pain I would have missed out on but also the level self consciousness I have felt because of the scarring. While sexual relationships are not something of a priority for me at all, the amount of scarring around that area of my body made the idea of sexual relationships even less so appealing because of the amount of shame I have from all the scarring.

Im desperately trying to make a few very significant changes. The main one is to quit smoking, for a number of reasons. I have bladder cancer so smoking isnt a great idea with having cancer already. I have a number of illnesses that are affected by, potentially made worse by, etc smoking so again its not a great idea for me to be smoking. Generally health wise smoking isnt a good idea and I am pretty focused on improving my overall health so it would make sense that I would stop just on this factor alone. Then there is the whole money side of things. It costs so damn much and my budget just doesnt allow for it.

Which brings me onto the to another significant change. I have developed a budget which schedules all the grocery, bills etc purchases I have to make in a month. Im currently being paid monthly so I organise everything on a monthly basis. But it means that effectively I need to buy stuff once a month, maybe twice but before I used to go in regularly and buy groceries etc. I was reactive to my needs not prepared for them. But I feel like I am missing out, its not quite it, that Im going to go without because I am only shopping once or twice a month not regularly. I feel like I need to go in pretty much daily and buy something because I have for so many years, but now it isnt necessary at all and Im struggling to come to terms with that. Im not one to change rapidly, especially established routines etc. Its probably one of my biggest failings is my difficulty to change in my personal life. In a work environment I dont have a problem, because my routine is to work not what I do so much at work. They pay me to be there and do what is asked of me and thats basically the way I think about my time at work.

Today has been a shit show, I have been getting short stints of sleep, like 2hrs max and waking up but Im not really awake, Im still pretty well asleep and dosing off ½ the time. I properly woke up around 1pm and my whole day is shot, all my routines are out and Im so far out that I cant get back in. Oddly though Im ok(ish) about it. Its kinda like its so stuffed its not worth even recognising today as a legit day. It did however mess my medications up, so Im feeling pretty off because of that.

Ive had a pretty average few days, Mum and Dad have been at it again, this time Im getting a far different view point on things. Mum isnt wholly in the right and she needs to stop thinking she is or that Dad is wrong so that absolves her of her sins in the situation but Dad he is so full of shit. So many times today he has said that Mum said that I had said something and I corrected him and he backed down and then he said that she had said something, which didnt make sense that she would say but does make sense that he would and would in quite a nasty way and meant to hurt, which it did. True or not, the delivery that Mum had already told me about when he said this to her was out of line. Keeping in mind, Ive not been a huge fan of Mum for sometime, in that I think a lot of what she goes on about is bullshit too.

I did also realise that this has been one of very few episodes where they have been actively going at it lately and it dawned on me that the only difference is my sister isnt around. She inserts herself into the arguments and when Mum goes on about an issue, dredges stuff up from years ago, has a whinge about something she gets into it and fires it up and then there is an issue. I recon 90% of the arguments between Mum and Dad would be avoided if my sister shut up and stayed out of it and this period without her around kinda confirms it. Though Mum wont even acknowledge that there has been less carry on between them.

The other thing thats of interest to me is my diet. Immediately with the fight I wanted to eat more, I was hungry a lot more. I thought it was to do with not taking one of my medications at the moment but today I have little appetite, Ive eaten quite a bit less. I feel more apprehensive and like wound up, where as I did feel pretty relaxed and calm lately. Even my legs and back are more painful than normal, like all the muscles have tensed up.

I left home for over a decade before moving home when I got sick. In that time the whole dynamic of the family changed and my sister became intertwined with my parents relationship, which Mum will not see as being a bad thing. I dont trust my sister a great deal, with cause, she has shown that she will twist things around so she can say she isnt technically lying but at the same time she isnt telling the actual truth either. It doesnt matter, so long as she gets her way, be damned how it pans out for anyone else. So you have that in the mix, my Dad telling what ever he wants that makes himself appear in the best light and get what he wants and my Mum just telling everyone what she demands of them the whole time. Its just freaking toxic.

Ive steered clear of it some what but if I could Id so be gone and rear view the lot. I love them but they are so not healthy for me. Im trying to get on the NDIS at the moment and there are a few things going on, if it turns out that I have no job to go back to, there is a chance that I might take this opportunity to find new opportunities which might not involve me staying at home. Im not sure how Id manage it but its definitely something for me to look into.

If my Mum talks about drinking to me again tonight I think Im going to scream. Ive told her that Im struggling, like if I had the money I would have found my way into a bottle tonight, no two ways about it, it would have happened. So, of course she is taking every opportunity and even creating some to bring up the topic of her wanting to drink, like the two even compare. Im trying to avoid thinking about it, Im trying to keep distracted and she keeps mentioning it, its not at all helpful.

My Union has spoken with my employer, Im still waiting to find out what the outcome will be. My manager had to speak to their manager or something about the proposal. Im kinda hoping they say no and we can proceed to them firing me or me resigning, whatever is better for me. The way things are sounding the chances that Im going to actually return to work anytime soon are pretty slim, I could get a car with the payout Id get. I dont know that I really want to fight to keep my job if they dont want to keep me around. Ive lacked a fair bit of satisfaction from my job for a long time because they just give me the scraps. What Id do for money/work if I didnt have my job I have no idea. Even if I got onto disability payments, it is scraping a living no chance to really improve my lot in life. What purpose would I have. Thats a problem I have now, what purpose do I have in life. Im not working, Im perpetually unwell, I just exist one day to the next with no drive and little reason to get up and keep going. I do because, well thats what you do and I have hope that at some point I might get better and be able to go to work.

My sister decided to do one of those ancestory things, given the results would be the same for her and I, I decided that I would go 1/2s in it. That was 2 months ago and nothings happened. Last I heard she had a swab to do and we were away but it hasnt been done. So, I asked her about it today and in the end I said I wanted my $$ back until she decided to actually do it, I mean 2 months and granted she has been in hospital but she hasnt spoken to me about it at all and I dont see why she should have my money and not have paid for what I gave it to her for. Dads now telling me he thinks she has paid for it which she didnt tell me when I asked. I even said that I dont think she should have my money and not use it for what I gave it to her for. The most I got out of her was to F Off.

Ever since I helped her through her time in hospital with her break down she has basically told me to get bent. Towards the end I had to stop helping so much, it was too much on me and I wasnt coping, its a big part of the reason Im not working at the moment and ever since she has had an attitude with me, like I didnt do enough. Its like she helped me and she expected me to do the same in return no matter what happened to me in the process.

Ive had words with Dad and told him he needs to work it out. He said its likely that she will tell him to F Off as well, which is true. Im so done with her and her attitude. Starting fights when none needs to exist, stirring trouble, lying etc. I actually think I might be done with her until she appologises to me and the rest of the family. She has gotten everything she wants out of Mum, often at my expense and now she is acting like she is just entitled to whatever she wants. She talks to me like shit constantly, unless she is around the new guy. Who she has ignored everyone ever since meeting. Again, Im about ready to pack my shit and just leave and basically have nothing to do with them anymore.

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