I know Ive written similar before but Im having a day, well a lot of them but today seems to bea particularly intense one.
Im really struggling with the depression today. Yesterday at the MH centre has really stirred me up. Like I knew what was said already, Ive spoken about most of it here and/or on the phone but hashing it all out, clarifying things, actually discussing it, it has just made it so much more real.
The shit at home, Mum sleeping most the day, not leaving her room, not participating in the house or family in any way other to command us to do stuff for her. Having to semi-manage the house, making sure Dad does what he needs to inside rather than being outside all day. Phone calls fom my sister dealing with her issues, visiting her, dealing with her doctors, dealing with her in general. Then you have me, dealing with pain, trying to have surgery to get rid of the pain (that took 3 attempts) but have the surgery and wam hit with a lesion on a nerve equals more pain, though no one seems to know how to deal with it. Got to deal with bladder cancer, have a check not enough time left for gel to numb the area and unbelievable pain so got to change Urologists, shit happens and that gets postponed until I start blood in my pee and doctors go a bit into overdrive so new Urologist, but its a wait until 22 May. Try to get a psychiatrist and it takes over 2 weeks for the referral to even be accepted to be triaged. My psychologist turns out to be useless. My sister trys to off herself, I find her and over months later its still got me messed up. I did see a one off Psychiatrist a little while ago, few changes to meds gave me a bunch of medication to deal with anxiety and changed one med for another, the new med tastes amazingly aweful and you cant drink or eat for 10min after it so thats awesome and triggered a my meds are poision so Im not taking them fight nightly. They are now checking my heart for a blockage, so I got to spend $900 on a test, Ill get a lot back but I have to have the money up front. Im on unpaid leave so Dad is paying my way, which hes not terribly happy about. Still waiting on my insurance to be approved so I cant really pay my own way, even if I could Id be relying on Dad for surgeries and big tests. God damn the bladder cancer has be wetting myself so I am on meds to manage that. The pain means Im not able to do my chores so Dads having to do them on top of everything else and part of the time he has to drive me places cause its to far for me.
I cant shower reqularly, unless roughtly weekly I do it. I dont change my clothes, not even for bed so I can go days to a week in the same cloths day in day out. I fight to eat lunch, I dont bother with breakfast anymore. Ill eat tea cause one of my meds needs a certain amount of food to be eaten with it, so I fight to have poison meds, then fight to eat tea. but give me shit, chocolate, chips etc, not a problem. I dont sleep properly, few hours sleep, few hours awake, few hours sleep, every damn night. So Im constantly tired. Im overweight, like a lot over weight, my family mock me for this. Im on 3 anti-psychotics which doesnt help.
Im in debt to my eyeballs, most of it is from hypomanic spending, which of course is BS to my parents, they have helped me out heaps but it comes with a bill. Going and seeing my sister in early days I was working and going down, my income didnt stretch that far so I borrowed money from my sister, didnt help she wanted maccas every trip as well. Keep in mind all the trips were about an hour away down the freeway. Then Im further in debt with my Dad cause of the whole no working thing and trying to care for my sister (while dealing with my own MH issues). I was smoking a fair bit but thats now like really heavy trying to deal with the stress. I was abused at school, like beaten most days which has had a lasting affect on me. I have a reasonably good job and my parents seem to belive I should be able to do better with this, they dont seem to get the amount of money I spend on medical costs, yes I get lower the smoking and Id have more money but some days thats what gets me through the day. They treat me like a failure, I live with them and my sister due to my illness and disability its ok for my sister but not for me. I should have a family (I dont want one). I should be able to do things I cant because of my disability and MH, especially MH. I cant do stuff at different times because of anxiety and thats an issue, just one example. Lastly I dont feel like a man, primarily due to the above. I cant go outside and help Dad with manual labour. I cant build shit. I cant do so much that a man should be able to do (our family dynamic). So I am tied to the inside tasks, which Dad sees as female stuff. I dont care Im helping
So yeah, Im depressed, really depressed. I dont know how to deal with, cope with all the above. More than cope I need answers, I need someone to come along and say this is what we need to do, do this do that. Not breath, not have a sensory basket. They help for a moment, and Im not knocking them they have their place but a lot of my issues need an answer. I need to know how to keep paying my medical bills without running up more debt for instance. Hell, I dont even have a car, Im driving my Mums, how do I get the money toogether to pay for a car.
I know this has just been a rant, but I kinda just wanted to get it off my chest, like all of it or at least most of it. I still feel like horse shit, a complete and utter failure with no purpose being here. I still think old grim reaper should make his way to me next and in a hurry. But I do feel a bit better than before I wrote this
