Bad Depression Today add screaming

[ClockFace]

Going on from my previous post, the depression is really bad today but now screaming. 

Watching a show and it kinda depicted what I hear and feel and then I could hear it. Thousands upon thousands of trapped souls screaming in my head. Its not loud at the moment but its gonna get there, I can feel it. I hate this psychotic feature, well I hate them all, but this is the most common and can last for hours to months. Music/TV is my go to in managing this.

I feel like they want something from me, but I cant determine one voice from another to determine what it is that they are screaming, if I could pick one voice and hear what is being said maybe I could do something, no thats nuts, its a hallucination, what am I gonna do. But everytime I try.

I wasnt gonna post this because people might read this one and not my previous post, but reading the post prior to this would also be appreciated

[Gillie1]

Too much time to think on holidays I think. Easter is one of those times when people who are healthy, with healthy family connections get together and celebrate togetherness. It can be isolating and painful to feel on the outside of that whether it is reality or not. 

Maybe?

[ClockFace]

As SANE is shut for easter I rang regional access, call back service was good as it was a bit over hour wait to speak to someone. But well worth the wait she was fantastic. She did refer me to the Rural and Remote Mental Health Service, but wasnt to get me off the phone as another service has done to me.She talked with me a bit and at the end asked me to try and connect with myself, no idea what she meant, sounded dirty but it wasnt. She wants me to think of 5 things that I like about myself. She said she could tell just by our short call I was loving, kind and caring, not 3 things Im commonly told I am. Generally Im told im a ahole or a c word etc. There isnt much positive reinforcement here.

Ive been trying to think of one thing I like about me, one thing that is good and I really cant. I struggle to consider myself a good person in any way or shape.  I exist, I try not to go out my way to hurt people but I do anyhow. In any way Ive been taught to  measure I am not doing well in my life and I wouldnt measure up as a good person. 

Yes I have been caring for my sister, I love her but neither Mum or Dad stepped up to care for her so it fell on me, not that I feel bad about that, shes my sister so of course Id look out for her but its more an obligation. That sounds horrible but Id much prefer Mum or Dad did it, they would at least have some idea what to do in a lot of situations, though Dad would be no good with the MH aspect.

So, this 5 things is really hard, I just dont think there are any, let alone 5 good qualities about me. 

Anyhow I rang Rural and Remote and they didnt really have much to offer to be honest. They did suggest going to hospital but I know as well as they that me not being suicidal or intentiions to harm others I have a 6-8 hour wait to be sent away. 

They did suggest the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre, we took my sister there once and she didnt think much of it but she just wanted medication to take the feeling away as far as I could tell. Ive had meds that make me drowsy and will need to take my night meds soon so I cant go tonight but I think, if Im up for the drive, Ill go down and have a chat to them. At this stage nothings open, being easter, and I am pretty much willing to try anything. While Im not suicidal and my sisters attempts have made me firmly against that kinda thing. I know depression well enough that your beliefs are simply nothing if its intense enough. 

Depression sucks, I dont know if Bipolar Depression is different/worse than normal depression, but in general depression is horrible. I dont feel like me when Im like this. I dont feel like Im really human, a real person. I feel hollow and broken, twisted and misshappen. 

[ClockFace]

The last few days, well for a while, I have been struggling with my depression. Ive been speaking to a couple places. A few have referred me to the local triage team, so I rang. Of course there was the suggestion of Hospital but Im not suicidal so not a hope of being admitted. Anyhow they suggested the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre, which my Dad calls a Kindergarten for Nutters. 

I rang them today to see if they would do a phone thing because they are a long drive away and I dont think I would cope with the drive without my strong pain killers, but they make me drowsy so I cant get there. I cant ask/wont ask Dad due to his attitude. He could simply drop me off and they would Taxi me home. Id still be concerned about pain.

Seems Im stuck with phone based companies until I can find a way to get some more intensive help.

[ClockFace]

Some will know I am struggling with depression at the moment. I have Bipolar 2 w/ Psychotic features as well as anxiety and OCD. I had a brief moment last night where the screaming in my head was back. Its like thousands upon thousands of damned souls screaming sometimes briefly or up to 4 months have been the longest. So Im worried that thats an indication of that starting again. I have other psychotic symptoms and have psychotic breaks so worried Im on the road to another one, currently recovering from one.

I suffer from chronic pain. I have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction, which is basically a joint problem of the joints where the spine meets the hips. I had sugery to burn the nerves which stopped the pain but somewhere along the line I ended up with a nerve lesion which is causing more pain than what was being treated. Today is a particularly bad day, I got out of bed in a great deal of pain, normally it takes an hour or so for the pain to build up, giving me a chance to go into town and prepare for the day and for my pain meds (lots of them) to start to work. This morning, I started off fighting against the pain from the outset. Normally my walking is difficult and I take small steps, today it is more a shuffle. I am taking the maximum dose I know I can take of my pain medication however still struggling with pain. The pain killers, especially mixed with the anxiety medication makes me incredibly drowsy, so much so today I intend to go for a sleep shhortly.

The pain has sent my depression into overdrive, I feel like a fat useless slug. My sister is in hospital after a second suicide attempt (I found her it messed me up) I can speak to her on the phone but I cant visit her, I cant give her a hug. Mum just got home from hospital and has gone back to previous ways, wont leave her room, sleeping heaps, but her care is all up to Dad as is seeing my sister. Now he has to do my chores and help look after me. I do what I can for myself but he still has to help on some stuff. Hes got to do all the house work as well as look after outside and the animals, we are on 3 acres.

I wanted to go to the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre today, but I cant get myself there. Dad could take me, I dont want to burden him with the drive, its about an hour but also he calls is a Kindergarten for nutters so I dont want to deal with his attitude either. Its too far for me to drive without pain meds which make me drowsy. Uber/taxi too expensive

I feel like I have become a greater burden since trying to get rid of the pain. I feel like my Dad looks at my weight and blames that for many of my ills, including mental health. I feel like Dad thinks its been a couple weeks so I should be over it and back doing my normal tasks. I feel like I bring no value to the household, that I am useless. Dad doesnt understand why I call help lines etc, he doesnt appreciate that I am in crisis and I cant get help.Im trying to get a psychiatrist via an online service, only way I can get one, this services admin is woefull and it has taken over 2 weeks to get no where other than potentially needing a new referral and I cant get a new psychologist until I get the psychiatrist as I dont know what psychologist type to use.

I have other recources that I am waiting on, a couple weeks away. But I feel uttterly hopless, powerless, directionleess, abandoned and shit

I dont see that what ever I do, even if I actually get help, I am too far gone to be repaired. Financially, I am ruined utterly and completely

I have no power to influence my own treatment, even in getting treatment

I am currently on unpaid leave, I am waiting on my insurance to be approved so my Dad and sister are my only source of income, which they are tired of

I feel like I have been abandoned by the medical system. Other than financial support I feel abandoned by my Dad, sister and especially my Mum

I dont see a way in which I manage this on my own while I wait for services. I dont know how to cope. I dont know how to deal with family members that do not or will not understand mental health. I feel very fat (Im 140kg) and its not normal for me to have a negative feeling attached to that. I am sick of being in pain. Im sick of being sick. Im sick of doctors, specialist, tests and medication. It all cost so much. Im sick of life as I know it.

Please note I have no intentions of harm to myself or others, I say this in absolute honesty. Finding my sister unresponsive has effected me so that its not an option. I understand that depression has the ability to manipulate in a way that that what I would normally not do I may but at the present I have no intenion, if that changes I will seek further help/go to ER

[ClockFace]

I just got off the phone to my sister, she again asked if I was coming to a family lunch tomorrrow, I said I was intending too but will depend on how my back is, as I had said via text.

I then said that I would intend after the lunch to go to the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre, Ive wanted to for a few days but its too far for me to drive but not far from where the meal would be. Her response was why, despite me being somewhat open about my current situatioin, I told her I wasnt coping with anything, Mum, Dad, her, me anything. She then wanted to know what that meant for her, she has surgery coming up (which I had no intention of playing a role in).

Most of you know what been going on, Im not going to recap because it will just make me sad and even more depressed. But her first thought is about who will look out for her, for the one afternoon I would be in a care centre trying to get help in managing my situation so I can continue to help her. 

I keep saying Im trying to keep my shit together but its more so Im trying to get my shit together now. There is too much going on for me to deal with, there is too much in my own life for me to cope with let alone my sister, Mum and Dad. 

I had, while brief, a hallucination yesterday, given how soon after my psychotic break this has me really worried about having another one and Im really worried that if I have another one it will be worse than I have had.

Im having symptoms like memory loss, confusion, etc. im having trouble with sleep, eating, medication, self care in general. So I am aware that I am not in a good position. Even in my current state I am of little help to my sister. 

The fact that me being able to put her first being the priority not being the case causing her to make comment on the matter ticks me off and it hurts.

I was doing reasonably well prior to that, they minimised my pain, while briefly it was minimised and also showed the surgery worked. I have a chance at being pain free that made me happy. but her comment thrust me back into misery

[ClockFace]

I dont know if it was the injection of anti-inflammatory or lack of pain but I managed to sleep a full 10 hours without waking  once. I honestly dont know the last time I slept through the night. I couldnt even guess. 

Im still  tired lol. But if this is lack of pain then it could be life changing.

[ClockFace]

So with my back feeling up to it I've driven down to the UMHCC. About an hours drive from home. See if they can help me out, atleast get me across the line until appointments coming up. 

They are kinda like a phone in service but face to face. Does look like im in for a bit of a wait. Urgent doesn't scream 45 minute wait tho.

[ClockFace]

So turns out a 45 minute wait really means 3.5 hours. Fortunatly the wait to see the councillor guy wasnt long. I should explain it was 3.5hr wait in the entry (seated) to see a nurse and some other person where u have a chat about why ur there and for some reason they take ur blood pressure. Then you go upstairs. Lots of recliners. Areas to color in. drinks, snacks and microwavable meals. You wait there to see the councillor. Then you have a 45min conversation with them, they make some recommendations and give you some resources. 

If this was cut down time wise massively it might be a great service. I took my sister there as well and time was long as well, like whole day long. Was told was very unusual, was kinda desperate so thought id give them a second go. Not worth a total of 6.5hrs of my life.

They did help, I wont say they didnt but a second time doesnt seem worthwhile. Especially when you have services like SANE. 

It was kinda cool though a long lost work friend worked there so I got to hang out with her for a fair bit and catch up and just chat which was really cool. I wondered for a long time how she wound up, like we both knew each other had mental health issues so we would talk and then she  quit and we lost touch. It was good to know she got a partner, had a kid, was studying and got a job she likes, so I was happy for her. 

I actually think I got more out of talking to her than I did out of the councillor. Having a previous connection with her made it easier to talk to her. I didnt go into the depth I did with the councillor but I was pretty open.

I think overall I felt worse leaving there, not their fault, but some of the stuff discussed sorta hit home, made me realise how depended on I was by my family. How used I am. How abused and unappreciated I am. What I do about this Im not sure. Ive been putting up boundries, though rarely do they adhear to them, if I can enforce I do, even if that means a fight. It shouldnt mean a fight but you know sometimes it comes to it. I dunno, I just realised even more why Im struggling with depression and psychotic symptoms. Somehow I have to reduce my stress, rapidly, or Im gonna have another psychotic episode, something we planned for in the discussion, not like steps on how to have one, but what to do at different steps of the process.

I do think Ill be sticking to SANE or something similar when they have finished for the day

[ClockFace]

My anti-inflammatory injection wore off at 3am, about 36hrs after I got it. Hoping my pain specialist calls today to discuss where from here. Sent him an email over the weekend. Gonna try  and get into my doctors clinic today to see what they can do as well in case the specialist doesnt call back. Pain is incredible and getting worse. Have some strong pain relief but thats doing minimal. I really hope someone can sort this out soon. I went in to resolve pain not be in far more and just left dangling in the wind for a real answer to that pain