Religion or Psychosis

[tyme]

Hey there @ClockFace ,

I'm hearing you. It sounds so hard at the moment, and that there are so many competing pressures. 

Do you think you are being too tough on yourself? Remember, you are still recovering. It is not because you are choosing not to help, it is because physically, this is not possible for now?

Would a dose of kindness to yourself be helpful?

[ClockFace]

Its time for my night meds, I struggle less with my morning meds less but the night ones are hard. None of it used to be, I just took my meds and all was good. But the whole my medication is poision thing is making it harder and harder to take them. I keep putting it off. The thing that tends to get me through is this thought that I wish the Grim Reaper would hurry up, dont get me wrong I am not suicidal I just dont want to be here anymore. So having poision medication can only hasten the process. Annoyingly it hasnt happened, it hasnt proved that my medication is poision so there shouldnt be an issue but there is. If you kept up with that well done, I understand that makes no sense. But end result I struggle every day to take my medications. 

I didnt have issues with taking medication prior to my recent psychotic break, I feel like its some kind of left over bit from it. Like charcoal after a fire.  But I dont know how to stop/get over it. Is it just like I have to wait it out?

[ClockFace]

@tyme 

Part of it was that it was meant to be 2 days downtime, not 6 weeks. That was what was planned and I feel like Im letting Dad down by needing more time to recover.

Also, while Ive been in pain more than 1/2 my life I was able to function. At the moment I pretty much cant. Watching streaming TV and the Forum is the majority of my existance and thats pretty frustrating. I manage to drive into town in the morning and get my smokes and drinks for the day before the pain starts to overtake and I need pain killers. I dont know why but Im pretty good for an hour in the morning. But painkillers are needed there on. 

As for a bit of kindness Id like to, but I dont really know how to. My sister and I were just speaking about the expectations that we have had on us in our childhood and even to today, I wouldnt say our parents are demanding but they do expect. Ive failed on many occassions and Im pretty well a permanant failure in my Mums eyes now days as I reject the expectations but we have never been taught, for a lack of a better word, how to be kind to ourselves. U push through, u always push through

[ClockFace]

All through my schooling I was abused by other kids. The kids that didnt abuse me had pretty much nothing to do with me. It was a small R-12 school so I did essentially all my schooling at the same school. I joined early years, dont remember when exactly but from the moment I joined I wasnt liked by anyone and the kids that beat me up in my early years continued through out. In year 8 a school in a nearby town had its 8-12 years were shut down and moved to our school. 

I did not find any friends within these new people. There was a rivalry between the two towns and the new kids were not happy with the new arrangements and were pretty hostile to begine with. They saw me getting picked on etc and hey presto I had new bullies and they really knew what they were doing and I coped it. For the remainder of my schooling I was beaten pretty much daily. An indication as pretty much daily, on my graduation day, 5 kids left the class, one of them fly clicked me to the head and knocked me out briefly.

I am an introvert, I dont know if it was school or just how I was born but I dont know how to make friends and I have little desire to.

I dont trust people, I dont really show my emotions to others. I figure that they will use them against me. I struggle with Psychiatrists and Psychologists, like opening up to them. I find being honest about who I am with new people, I hide so much. Thats what I love about this forum, I can be honest and open because I dont know you and you dont know me and there is basically no way for us to bypass that or meet in real life.

Part of me wants more, part of me knows I dont deserve more. All of me has no idea how to deal with the truama I suffered. It impacts me on a regular basis even all these years later. I have forgiven the kids involved but what they did haunts me. 

[tyme]

That sounds so tough @ClockFace . I'm sorry you have had to experience this. It's so unfair.

Hugs. I'm listening.

[ClockFace]

Last night I decided to send an email to my Pain Specialist and described what was going on. The pain I was suffering but also the pain I was no longer suffering. Meaning the pain that I went in to treat seems to be gone which was the idea. But  in its place it feels like I have this pain like a firey sword being jammed into just above my butt crack (sorry) and a clysdale has booted me in my lumber back. I kinda walk in really short steps that become a bit of a shuffle as the day goes on.

The drugs they have had me on dont get rid of the pain fully but make it manageable but the trade off is I am really drowsy by the end of the day Im barely able to keep my eyes open and once Ive had my night meds thats the end of my day

Anyhow, its Easter Friday, Im not expecting any form of contact until like Tuesday but my Pain Specialist rang this morning at 8:30. A bit more questioning and he said that I have a nerve lesion. He has doubled my nerve pain medication and is hoping that will resolve my pain. I have my doubts, I was going to talk to my GP next time I saw her about discontinuing it because it didnt seem to do anything. At the same time he has said to stop the extra pain killers.

There doesnt seem to be a heal time for a nerve lesion, it could be weeks or months which doesnt excite me at all. Really hoping for weeks at max.

Amazingly, this is rare, I say amazingly because so often my sister and I end up with the rare outcome.

[Gillie1]

Knowing what is happening is half the journey Not that it helps with the right now. But knowing gives you options and direction. I really hope the extra nerve meds help.

[ClockFace]

I wish that all my responsibilities were gone. Like I dont have issue with being responsible for myself but having the responsilities for others is getting too much. Even the thing of monitoring what and how I speak in case it upsets others, Im not good at this but I try. 

There seems so much pressure to be who Im not so I can make others comfortable or so I am acceptable as a human, rather than just being accepted how and for who I am. 

Nothings triggered this today, its been playing on my mind a bit that Im not good enough as who I am and that I have to tone down certain aspects, do other things for them, just not be the real me. 

Added to that I wish the goverment did more to support mental health and medical health. The costs involved for psychiatrists and psychologists make it prohibitive for many to access these services. I mean $300 for a psychiatrist appointment and you have to come up with that regularly etc. Normal specialist appointments are getting out of control as are the out of pocket surgical costs. The procedure I just had was 2k and I got $650 back and I got to do that like every 6-9 months. Medication costs are rising, more and more are now $30 under PBS making the non-PBS ones that are like $60-$80 reasonably cost effective.

I am looking forward to reaching both my safety limits as that will help but the costs of medical care in Australia is getting out of hand and the goverment needs to step in and do something.

[ClockFace]

Im really depressed today, Im not sure why or whats trigered it to become so much worse today than its been lately. I literally woke up feeling like shit. Again, I havent shown it to my family, I have put on the face of a "normal" person. But its so damn hard to keep doing it.

I worry if I really show how I feel that it woulnt be accepted but that it would add too much pressure on my Dad. My Mum wouldnt care and would basically think I was overreacting, like Im not really in need of help, I am just putting it on for attention. I spoke to my sister about it last night, the depression I mean, she understood but agreed it would be weird if we ended up in the same facility, there are only a couple in our region.

My medications havent been updated either so it doesnt actually say the dose Im actually now on. So if I go into hospital I might not get the correct amount of meds that I am actually supposed to be on, which for some would be result in a very shitty outcome.

Im not doing any selfcare etc as it is, closest thing to selfcare that Im doing at the moment is writing on here. But I really do want to get absolutly hammered. Im an ex-alcoholic and have done well not to drink since 1/11/21 however long ago that was but given the chance today I would drive to the bottle shop and buy a bottle of just about anything and sit and polish of the whole thing. Im not going to, but I really want to. Besides which I cant cause Im too damn drowsy from the pain killers.

Its weird the world feels upside down, what should make me happy is making me miserable what should make me miserable well the analagy ends there because its still making me miserable. Dads got home from Church and hes talking about stuff with me and all I can think is for him to shut up, its not interesting, its just dribble, small talk, I hate small talk.

Emotionally/Mentally I feel like I have stood in the middle of 4 panes of glass that exploded inward. I am just torn up, cut up and have shards of glass all through me. Im so shredded but I have so many shards that actually trying to save me is basically impossible. By the time you get all the glass out Ive bled out. But you cant patch me up with all the glass in the way.

I feel completely beyond repair, like a car smashed between 2 semitrucks. I feel like each time I reach out to get someone to repair me its so hard. Like just getting a psychiatrist is taking weeks. I cant seem to get a good psychologist, getting into support services I have to wait weeks. My mental health nurse doesnt actually support or listen. SANE is the only good thing, people listen on the forum, councillors listen. But like they dont have answers and have limited availability (Not a dig, its what the service is). Other services just seem to suck, they dont listen, try to palm you off to triage or provide "answers" that arent actually relevant (not listening)

I know I need a psychiatrist and a good psychologist, I dont think they can fix me, thats not what Im after anymore, Im beyond that. But maybe they can I dunno turn me into something that resembles me, something that even if I was missing an arm and a few fingers was something like the person I was/should be

Please Im honest in saying that I am safe, I have no feelings of harming myself or others. The harms been done, actually killing myself would only serve to harm my family.

[Kyle1]

must be something in the air @ClockFace