Malens Babble

[ClockFace]

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board. 

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

[ClockFace]

A little while ago, on the recommendation of Beyond Blue, I got in contact with Mensline. Im struggling with my mood/emotions trying to regulate them. They focused on my current mood, not that they are cycling. I gave them my whole spiel (pre-written) so they had that I was BP2 with psychotic features and the whole sister thing etc. Everything was there and then it was what have you done in the past and I said I just allow them to pass etc. What about breathing journalling etc. I said I do breathing for anxiety and I write on SANE, gives me more purpose in wrting than a diary. I get well keep writing. 

Heres my point, Im writing, Ive told you Im writing, its not working enough, its not managing my mood/emotion swings. I was after something more. Im running on fumes and I need someone to help me find the nearest pump not tell me how good Im going for no fuel in my tank.

I get my situation is unique (Ill post my spiel below to explain what Ive said) but Im tired, really tired. Ive had a recent and decent Psychotic Break, Im trying to avoid another. My emotions/moods are erratic which I dont deal well with. Im not an overly emotional person and they are all coming out to play and I dont know how to deal with that and they just skipped over everything and focused on the depressed state Im in now.

Hi, my name is XXXXXX, 43, live with parents and sister

Everyone is disabled.

Mum is currently in hospital as is my sister.

My sister is in hospital as she attempted suicide for a second time

I found her and its kinda messed me up.

Been my sisters carer for past 4 and a bit months as she has moved between psych and general hospitals

I was going down basically daily, an hour trip either way

I started to have hallucinations, Audible, visual and tactile.

This turned to delusions mixed with visual and then delusional on their own

That turned into the world not being real and there were cracks from our world to another.

Then Mum and Dad were impostors and everyone else just wasnt real, except my sister

So I ended up having a psychotic break, all while looking after my sister

Part way through my break I had a spinal procedure, burn the nerve endings where my spine meets my hips

The recovery time was meant to be 2 days, ended up in increasing pain and was put on XX drug on top all my normal (a lot) of pain medication

Pain lessening but still pretty bad, very limited movement. Waiting onn surgeon to contact for further instruction.

Seeing cardiologist as ER want investigation into potential heart disease

I  have bladder cancer and am changing urologist, we are trying to get this done urgently as I was peeing blood

I have Bipolar 2 with psychotic features, Depression, severe anxiety

Ive suffered from chronic pain for over 20 years

Im disconnected socially

Financially my family and medical situation has caused massive financial hardship

My emotions/moods are quite erratic at the moment and Im not able to well manage them.

Im sad, mad (a lot mad), snappy, content more than happy, anxious like crazy (2 XXX medication today and still anxious),Im worried (mainly about another break), I want to cry but cant, don know that I know how anymore, im depressed and a random cycle repeats.

While I have Bipolar 2 I can, along with help from medication, generally manage them to some extent and just be pleasant

I know this is a lot but you need to know whats going on and tying this in the chat would use all time we had. If my situation is outside your scope or too complex I wont be offended if you bow out of this chat.

[Flotsam]

@ClockFace  Phew! You really are dealing with a lot of really complicated things. I get why the men’s line people said you are doing well to cope as well as you are. 

I had an insight recently, my suicidality comes through when I am in a state of fight or flight and my fight turns against myself. So a part of my recovery is to learn to be ultra kind and compassionate towards myself. The counsellors on those lines try to help us the best they can but sometimes it doesn’t make sense to us.  They say things that don’t sit well with our screwed up belief systems. Stuff like “You are good enough”, and we react by putting up walls of disbelief when we really need to open our hearts to what they are saying. 

Hopefully your sister will get the help she needs or at least get on the path to where she needs to be. I can tell from reading your posts how much you care for her and how important she is to you. 

You are doing an amazing job for your sister, it is enough and keep journaling here if that works for you. I hope one day you will be able to read back and see how far you have come. You have a lot of complications to deal with but you are enough, be kind to yourself and take the time it takes to get well. 

[ClockFace]

Good news is I havent been having heart attacks but investigations continue got to have an Angiography on Thursday to check for blockages. It was a bit of a drive there and back, around an hour each way and I didnt drive but boy was I glad I still had some strong pain relief left. So very sore. 

I took the pain killers on the way home because I didnt need to be with it anymore. I got home and soon after had to hold my phone on facetime for my Dad to find stuff for my sister. I handed the job of collecting all that to him because standing for so long hurts but I had to anyhow. 

Im still waiting on my surgeon to call me, kinda getting annoyed. Im in a fair amount of pain and I dont want to get to the GP tomorrow and she be like, Ur surgeon didnt call, nothing more I can do.

[ClockFace]

You know my Employer is amazing. I send semi-regular updates regarding whats happening on my unpaid leave. I probably dont need to go into the detail I do but Im honest with them. I find honesty is generally the right thing to do.

Today I got an email from my employer thanking me for being so open but they also stated that they are concerned about me as a person and that while I am concerned about my family I need to start putting myself first. Something I am trying to do at the moment. I mean with the poor recovery from my spinal procedure I have no choice, but going forward things will have to change, Im really scared of another psychotic break or having a brief psychotic episode (if they are different). So I have to somehow lower my stress and that starts with my sister more than anyone. 

[Snowie]

Hi @ClockFace 

I am glad you have decided to start your own thread. Sometimes it is better if we can keep everything in the one place. I have my own thread too and feel a lot more comfortable posting things there then clogging up someone else's thread.

You have so much going on now and in the past and I hope it helps just a bit to be able to get it out and write it down. Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions but am happy to listen.

Please keep posting on here.

Snowie xo

[ClockFace]

@Snowie 

Yeah once I figured that out it made sense. All I could see were my posts and there were few of others and didnt think that very considerate

[ClockFace]

I talked to my surgeon and he said whats going on is fine. Most people recover in a couple days some it takes up to 6....6 weeks to get the effect of the surgery. So now I dont expect to be in pain for the whole 6 weeks but it does sound like pain and I are going to remain friends for sometime longer, which Im less than happy about. 

It is settling, last Friday I could hardly move, today I managed to go to the shops so baby steps. I have one last good pain killer and I doubt the GP will give me more tomorrow, though I dont tend to use it during the day as it puts me to sleep, so I just wear the pain. Something less intense would be good, just to balance pain vs pain killer

[ClockFace]

Ive got to start getting ready for another doctors appointment in a minute, 3rd in 3 days, tomorrow I have a test so its not really a doctors appointment but 4 medical appointments in 4 days. I get Friday off though.

I dont know how keen I am on the appointment, Im less keen on getting ready. I suppose I should shower and change my clothes but I really just dont want to. I almost rang to change it to a phone appointment but I need to attend.

I decided againist the shower, I changed wacked on some deoderant and cologne, not ideal but best I can do today. 

I have it in mind to visit my Mum today. Im moving a lot better, Im still a lot of pain but it doesnt seem to get worse, well much worse,  with walking. I actually bent down to the ground to pick something up and didnt feel anything, there was no additional pain. So I might have a go at feeding the dogs tonight.

Im gonna see how I go at the doctors before I decide on seeing Mum, its a bit of a walk and standing around the clinic so be a bit of a test.

I should be happy that Im moving better, that I can bend and potentially be a productive member again. Of course Ill start up slowly etc but I just cant muster any happiness any anything, I kinda waiting for it to go pear shaped. 

I just had a thought, this inflmation marker, could it be due to boils and severe acne because I have both and they are worse now than ever before. Will have to ask the doc.

[ClockFace]

Saw the GP, she was happy to see me walking more like a real person. She addressed the residual pain with some strong pain killers but not as strong as the other ones I was on. I had some at home and had tested to make sure they would be sufficient which they are, still have one of the good ones left just in case.

The blood tests showed levels were still high but not getting worse. I had a thought that maybe it was my boils that I get and/or the acne. Both are severe, the boils are often at the back of my thighs so sitting is really painful and so far the advise I have gotten from doctors has been they will get bigger and burst, they will retreat on their own or they will need to be drained. So, I have just let them run their course, its gross but most explode and I have to change pants etc. 

Anyhow turns out that I might be correct, I had a boil that was extremely infected so a course of anti-biotics to sort that out. I asked if there was anything that could be done to stop them or atleast reduce them, its almost constant that I have at least one boil. I have to go back in a fortnight and she will do something then.

Yesterday, the blood in the pee started again. There was a clot first time and I explained it to the GP and she said she wasnt waiting on my appointment with my normal GP and did a referral to the Doctor I want to see now. She seemed overly concerned about the blood and pee thing. Having bladder cancer does add to the concerns. Got to do another pee test, God the amount of pee tests Ive done since I got diagnose with Bladder Cancer, the amount of people that have seen down there, Ive never had  so much interest in my privates and my pee in my life. You do lose all sense of shame about the region very quickly. Like Im not gonna pull my pants down in public of something, but a doctor wants to look at that area, no problem off you go. 

So I have this course of antibiotics and 2 weeks later I go back and see the GP and we do some more tests and see if that worked. Of course they will have to check if there are new boils to mess the results.

Once I finished there I went and visited my Mum, she is in the hospital in the same town. The walk to her room wasnt an issue, it was short but the seating caused some issues and I ended up having a significantly sore back, I imagine Im using muscles i havent used for years. I dont know how long I spend with her but she was pretty confused, seemed very unsure of herself. She did admit that she was having issues with her memory so I passed that on to her nurse.

Took a while and some meds to calm the back down once I got home. Im still keen to feed the dogs tonight. I have to do a test and take it back to the clinic today and go get the prescriptions. I dont exactly feel like it, Im tired after this morning, Im still recovering from the procedure and apparently slowly which is frustating me no end. 

I got this scan tomorrow and I really want to drive myself but part of me wants some sort of safety net. I dont know how to tell that Im ready to drive an hour either way with a scan in the middle, not to mention that I want to stop and see my sister on the way home.