Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tight-Control]

HiAll,

My son has Bipola type II.

He had some pretty bad things happen last year leading to relationship breakdown ( not his fault), loss of job ( not his fault). then finacial difficulty ( his fault). and and intrvention that led to hospitalisation and criminal damage charges. he also had am atepmt at suicide 2 months ago.

My wife and i and his younger sisters supported him through all this , we asked for a couple of rules that he wwas happy to live with while under our roof, he was not paying any rent or board.

We asked he be home by 10:30pm as his sisters are all in highscholl and are in bed asleep by then or call us to say he is staying over friends.

My wife and I both work and we are often in bed by then aswell.

He had a couple of chores , dry and put away dishes , do his own washing, keep his room tidy.

take his medication on time daily.

All this went well till after court case which ended up as warning for him. and communtity based order,

he now has a partime/ casual job . He had  not been calling us to say when he would be home, he missed his medication a few times . When we talked to him about this with his new girlfirend he seemed to understand what we where expecting or asking. he then did not contact us for 3 days . When he di come home he had a big argument with my wife. He said that he may as well move out , or go back to the mental hospital or go to jail. At this point i gave him his medication all of it and his scrpits and asked for the house key back.

he has had his girlfirend collect about 2 days wroth of clothing his wallet and phone. he has not contacted us or called us since. One of my daughters who also has a MI has had days off school and sited strss and worry aboiut her brother as a trigger.

have we over reacted in letting him go. i know there is no real yes no answer just need feed back thanks.

[Tight-Control]

ide note . he owes us approx $5000 for lawyers fees and debts we have paid for him ,

[NikNik]

Hi @Tight-Control

It's nice to 'see' you again - although I wish it was under better circumstances.

I think you have done a great job at being very clear and fair about your boundaries. Boundaries stop being boundaries if you let someone not follow them and just walk all over the boundary. Sometimes you can never get that boundary back. Your son was well aware of your expectations of him and the consequences - and he chose to break those.

You obviously care a lot about your son - so I understand if there's an internal tension or feeling unsettled because you have asked someone you love and worry about, move out.

You are not alone in your experience - @Kiera80 has opened up in this forum about boundary setting with her sister. More recently @Kate70 started a discussion asking when it's okay to pull back. You can find the discussion here if you're interested (you may have something to contribute to the discussion yourself too!)

It sounds like you have a relationship (not sure how strong) with his girlfriend. Would you consider touching base with her to keep track of him and also open the door to her if she wants to connect with you?

[Kate70]

Hi @Tight-Control

I really feel for you in that situation.Its extraordinarily difficult when the family member with MI is not communicating well with anyone, is creating difficult situations for others & is putting themselves at risk.

Its hard to use the boundaries you have set, but there comes a point where you need to protect your own wellbeing & let go, as you say.I hope you can.Thinking of you & hoping the situation improves

[NikNik]

Hi @Tight-Control

Just stumbled upon your discussion again and wondering how things are tracking for you.

Thanks @Kate70 for your insightful response too

[too-supportive]

Hi @Tight-Control ,
I am a girlfriend of an amazing guy that has bipolar type 2 also!!

I know how hard it is to keep boundaries but also show your support... I have found over the last 12 months that bipolar(2) is tough to live with and manage!! But you can't give up hope.. I have also found that many people that suffer from this illness need constant reassuring that your there for them.. Even when boundaries are broken... How many times can a boundary be broken though? I am not too sure!! That's something that only you can judge!
We don't have any children so no one else is directly involved, but I do understand where you are coming from!!
I hope you find your answer, and that everything works out for you!! 😀

[Former-Member]

Hi just read this post and thought I would just make a comment on one thing that jumped out at me. You wrote that you discussed your boundary's with your son with his new girlfriend present. I am not sure why you chose to do this. However trying to see this from a young man's point of view. It is not something I would do not at least without advanced warning. 

Anyway just thought I would mention that. Hope you coping okay now.

Cheers.