I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It’s a bit hard to talk about as it’s a suicide method. I do feel the need to get it out though. @tyme 

It’s not the private hospital that’s the problem it’s not getting paid while I’m there. Yeah the local hospital has no facilities for MH issues. 

[tyme]

Fair enough. @Captain24 

But I'm thinking even a short stay? When's your next shift? Anyway, I'm sure you've done the thinking.

TW: SI

Content/trigger warning

Happy to talk about what's going on for you without the detail I guess? I'm reading that you have strong suicidal ideation due to a trigger and now you are doing your best to work through it because you don't have leave left?

[Captain24]

I go back to work on Friday @tyme. I’m scared to admit to my parents I need help. They think everything is fine. 

It was meant to be a supportive post. It just mention certain words. One of the words I won’t say but the others were ‘why bother’. I’m feeling like why bother being alive anymore. There is a check in email from last night that might make it clearer. 

That’s it. I’m doing my best to get through, even though I just spent basically the whole day in bed. 

My psych said she would make time to see me if I need her before our next appointment in 3 weeks. I just have to call in sick from work. 

[tyme]

Would it help to just take it one day at a time @Captain24 ?

Would making a list for tomorrow help you with developing some routine for tomorrow?

I hear it is so hard for you at the moment. Sitting with you.

[Captain24]

I’ve just got to take it one moment at a time. @tyme 

I had a list for today but I failed. I’m hoping I can at least clean the kitchen, iron my work clothes and have a shower and wash my hair. I can’t manage anything else other than that. If I can even do that. 

It’s been hard for a while hence the mask I’ve had on, it’s just getting a lot worse. 

[tyme]

Maybe have less on the list? Just start small if things are so hard at the moment? I can see you are doing your best. No one can ask you for anymore @Captain24 

Be kind to yourself? 

Hugs @Captain24 . Big hugs to you. I know you are trying.

[Captain24]

They are have to’s @tyme. Plus I need to go into town to do some grocery shopping. I’m scared to drive though. But I have to drive to and from work anyway. We came up with the idea to try going a different way to work. It’s only 4 minutes longer but apparently less traffic. 

Im disappointed that I spent the day in bed but at the same time I’m saying it’s ok because that was all my capacity is right now. Is that being kind to myself? 

I’m having really bad thoughts and urges, I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m watching tv and have taken my meds. 

[tyme]

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@Captain24 wrote:

Im disappointed that I spent the day in bed but at the same time I’m saying it’s ok because that was all my capacity is right now. Is that being kind to myself? 

Yes. That is being kind to yourself. To know it IS okay.

At this time, it may be good to reduce the demands you have on yourself if you think that'll help. I'm glad you have taken your meds. Which reminds me that I'm late for mine... oops! 

Routine routine routine helps when I'm in a crappy place. 

Do you feel you need to contact 000 at the moment?

[Captain24]

I don’t know how to put less demands. @tyme. I feel like my list tomorrow is just what has to be done. I haven’t even changed the sheets or doona cover on my bed. I do it weekly. 

How do I make myself have a routine?

I guess I’ll have a bit of a routine when I go to work. 

I have no energy and zero motivation. I feel like there is so much pressure inside that I need to release it. 

No I'm not calling 000

[tyme]

Maybe just doing the 'have to's' is a way of reducing demands @Captain24 . Have to's vs like to do's.

To be honest, I get that work provides some sort of routine. I think the harder part is your shifts and having to juggle meds at the same time. It's hectic.

Is your back all better now?

Do you feel you need to go to hospital? Or that we call them for you if you can't?