I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Yeah work is a routine but it’s very demanding. @tyme. This one is 3 days where I have to get up at 4:30 and then two nights. It is a hard slog especially when things are rough and I have to put on a happy face. 

It is hard with meds but I think I have the juggle sorted. 

Nah my back is still really sore, it’s not helping how I feel. I really need to move more it help it but I just can’t. 

Nah.. I don’t want to be locked in that room. I’ll just have to try to work through it on my own. 000 scares me to much. 

I haven't even asked how you are? 

[tyme]

Yeah, makes sense. I don't like those places either, but I will submit to it if it keeps me safe for the night @Captain24 .

To be honest, I've had a crappy day. Offloaded it to a therapist and feeling more empowered to tackle it now. I was going to say 'fight', but maybe that's too strong. Key takeaway from the therapist was...BREATHE....

So yeah... crappy day, but just being able to hang out here helps.

Honestly, it's been a bit rough lately, but I'm on top of it. I never want to go back down that 'old' path of not being able to get up. So I do everything I can to stay on top. 

It's so crappy that your back is still so bad. Honestly, I don't know how you do those shifts. It would play havoc on one's body...

You're not working tomorrow, so we can still stay in touch before you go back to work. 

[Captain24]

I’m scared that they will ship me off and not let me come home @tyme. The last time the only reason I got out was that I had an appointment with my CM the next day. Now I’m not with Comm Health what would they do?? 

Im so sorry that I have unloaded so much on you when you’ve had a crappy day. I feel really bad. 

Oh the whole ‘breathe’ my psych actually didn’t say it this session. 

Im glad you feel empowered to be able to get through. 

It’s been rough for you for a little while now and I am concerned for you. But you seem to managing it ok. Being able to work through it instead of against it. 

Im so sorry you are going through this though. 

I just have to deal with it. Work is going to be so hard. Sitting in a seat driving over rough roads for 5 long shifts isn’t going to be helpful.It is rough on your body as it is without injury. 

We most certainly can stay in touch tomorrow. 

[tyme]

Nah, that's okay. If I was feeling really bad, I wouldn't be working I guess. Yes, I'm on top of it. Not letting things get to me @Captain24  Thanks for asking and caring.

Do you think what is happening is purely because of the trigger, or do you think it is something else too?

Holding your hand.

[Captain24]

I care for you deeply @tyme. All you have done for me and helped me with fills me with gratitude for you. 

The trigger was what tipped me over the edge. My psych had already said that she wanted me in hospital before the trigger happened. I keep seeing those words though. They deleted the post but I can’t unsee it. 

Thanks you and feel the hand hold reciprocated. 

[tyme]

I hear how hard it was for you @Captain24 . Does your psych have any clue what's happening? It seems like the bipolar stuff still isn't 'resolved' if you know what I mean. In that there is still a lot of instability. Is that fair to say?

It must be exhausting... 

You don't need to worry about me. I'll get things sorted 🙂

Just a note that I'm wrapping up, but will catch you tomorrow.

[Captain24]

Do you have much in tomorrow? @tyme 

[tyme]

I've got some professional learning to go through, and a few admin things to tick off. Other than that, I'm just hanging around here @Captain24 

Would you consider seeing your psych for an additional appt if you need to?

[Captain24]

I don’t know if you’ll get this but I’m going to write it anyway. @tyme 

Im lying in bed trying to sleep. I think I slept too much today. I’m not feeling overly safe or confident within myself. I feel kinda sick to my stomach. I am safe just really don’t feel it. 

Jett and Pix are both asleep Pix is snoring away in the floor and Jett is curled up in a little ball next to me. 

My psych believes that my bipolar is unstable. With the meds I’m on I  shouldn’t hit crisis. she wants them reviewed by a Pdoc. I have an appointment next week. I’m sure they will look at the ADHD first though. It could even be that that is causing a problem. 

Im thinking I may try for this Tuesday, it’ll just mean interrupted sleep for nightshift, but I’m really scared of my finances. I’m struggling a lot at the moment. Pdocs aren’t cheap. 

Sounds like a cruisey day for you. I hope you find some time in there for self care. What do you do for self care? I know you walk Ruby but what other things. You don’t talk about projects at all.