Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Nutfield48]

In year 12 my daughter quit before getting her VCE and now sits around in her pyjamas all day everyday playing computer games. She's now 19. Whenever I say you can't just do this forever and you need to study or look for a job it ends badly.
She cries and says everyone hates her (including me) and that she's worthless and there's nothing she wants to do. She says she's been depressed since approximately 11 or 12 but has always refused help. When I say she can't be just bumming around at age 30 or 40 she says she won't be around then as she will suicide.
I know I can't force her to do anything but I'm lost and helpless and don't know what to do.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Nutfield48 - this would be so hard to watch and feel for you as I can hear that you just want the best for a daughter who you love. I was wondering if your daughter is just very scared of what would happen if she reached out for help. The unknown can be so utterly terrifying and our brains tend to fill in a lot of the blanks with unshakeable seeming beliefs about what 'will' happen.
I didnt reach out for help for a long time for myself until it ended badly and i had no choice. I was sure that if i ended up being 'seen' as unwell as i was that my entire world would end (in truth it had already gotten to the stage of being unliveable!) and the massive fears that I had didnt quite eventuate the way that i thought it would... So I was wondering if it might be possible for you to speak to a gp and get some advice or information about what services are around you that could help and some imnformation about what exactly would happen if she sought help. I.e. in explicit terms of first this, then the dr would ask things like, then they would ask you to fill in a questionnaire, then they will refer you to ... etc. This may not help either as there may be something else stopping her from reaching out for support but it does sound as though she (and you) might need outside support. Kids Help Line can be helpful too, i have phoned kids help line in the past and handed the phone to a young person who was needing support but not able to reach out and found that they were able to talk to them in ways that they werent speaking to their parents or others...
Take care

[Former-Member]

Hi @Nutfield48

My daughter went through similar to your daughter and it's a very difficult situation that we can feel helpless to do anything about when they won't help themselves. But you are right - it can't go on like that for your daughter as the longer it does the more she will avoid any responsibility and life resulting in her becoming more unstable. So we need to address our feelings of helplessness by taking back some control as a parent. Sometimes when all else has failed tough love is needed with boundaries put in place in the home for the benefits of 

Time to perhaps pull the plug on the TV and greatly reduce her time on video games regardless how she protests or tries to manipulate with emotional blackmail. As giving in is not going to address her mental issues or helping her to get better. She has to earn this leisure time by doing more productive things during the day including seeking help for herself professionally. And keep a firm stand.  I did this with my daughter as well as giving her no money for games, outings or others things she wanted - she soon got the idea if she wanted things she had to earn it. And then she sought out employment.

She still has issues but her mental health is improving at age 22 and she works full time. Amazingly she worked two weeks after being scheduled when 19 within her limitations (not full time). But enough to keep her foot in the door and gain experience. This work ethic has given her purpose and independence and helped her self esteem somewhat, which is essential for better mental health.

I would encourage you to ring Mental Heath Carers support Australia to seek further advise on ways to help your daughter to seek help and become motivated and for support for you. Feel for you as I know how hard this is.