An honest question...

[Eden1919]

I have a very honest question that anyone can feel free to answer and I just want to say upfront I am NOT calling anyone out or placing blame of any kind here I only want to understand something so that I can either work around it better or put it to the back of my mind. What is it about some people and their posts that gets them “more support” than other posts? Now I understand not everyone has experience with everything and that everyone can’t reply to everything. But there are sometimes posts here that just go completely unanswered and left while others gain thousands of replies and end up with a little mini community around them. And I can’t quite work out why. Especially when sometimes it would just mean so much to have someone reply with “ I’m listening” or just an acknowledgement that they are having a hard time regardless of if the person replying personally understands. I am also not talking specifically about me or my posts btw, and maybe I am being sensitive about this but I do try when I feel up to it to reply to threads that don’t have many replies as best I can. It just makes me sad to think people are reaching out and for lack of a better word getting ignored. I don’t mean to say people shouldn’t form mini community’s or that they should or shouldn’t reply how and where they want but I just feel like this has been a persistent issue. 

I also feel that this issue is somewhat unwelcoming to new people who are probably already nervous enough but then may not get why it seems like no one cares as they are not used to the feel of the forums. I am not sure if there is a solution to this or if I am just overthinking things and this is all in my head. But I would like to hear other people’s views because I often find these forums are either very supportive or very alienating and lonely. 

[Razzle]

Hi @Eden1919   I’m not sure what the answer is either, and I can’t put words into other people’s mouths, but for me I tend to reply to posts that I can relate to.  I dont actually have a medical diagnosis, there is no label that has been assigned to me.  The councillor I had been seeing believes I am suffering from PTSD, relating to my CSA, and my child’s sudden death in a car accident.

When I see a post relating to PTSD or CSA I feel like I may have something

to offer.  But that also depends on the day I’m having.  When I’m pretty low and my thoughts feel scrambled I don’t like to reply, fearing I may not actually be helpful.  Sometimes I’m triggered and the anxiety just straight out physically prevents me from replying at all, even when I feel strongly that I might actually have something helpful to say.

I have found this community to be very friendly and supportive.  There have been times when I’ve started a new thread, for no other reason than to speak what’s on my mind, to get it off my chest or out of my head, not actually really needing a reply, just needing to give myself a voice.

I hope you have felt supported on the forum ❤️❤️

[Teej]

It is really hard and complex @Eden1919 . When the forum was much smaller it was much easier I think to support and be supported. As it has grown it is a bit more difficult I think. I understand what you are saying but I don’t think there is an easy answer. I do understand that it can be daunting when you first join now and for that I am grateful that I joined many years ago because I may have not stuck at it either. I think it’s a bit like going to a new school where you learn a bit about members first and then try to join conversations you can connect with. Sometimes it’s just about being on a thread that others are you and others are passionate about and that creates connection. Sometimes it’s about sticking it out as well and I’m glad I did. 

Lastly for me personally I don’t want the forum to like other social media where your experience is determined by the amount of likes. To me the best support I feel is when someone, often if even if only one member,  says that I get how you feel. That connection when giving or receiving is the most important for me. That might not be the same member all the time or it might be. Again for me personally there have been lots of moments of connection over the years with many different members that might have been a few posts backwards and forwards which was rewarding just by sharing that moment. 

I have no answers just my experience. I’d imagine there will be many with different ideas and experiences. I’m not sure if this helps. 

[Eden1919]

@Razzle  Actually your point about having a diagnosis is interesting. I often forget that there actually are a lot of people who use the forums who aren’t diagnosed maybe because I have for as long as I can remember been diagnosed with something mental health wise so I do make some assumptions in that area. But there is somewhat of an unspoken rule that you can’t truly understand unless you have X diagnosis. Which maybe makes people feel unqualified to answer certain topics and especially if they don’t feel qualified then they may not say anything to avoid offending people. 

@Teej  I do agree it can feel like a school ground at times. Your reply was helpful thank you. 

[Zoe7]

There are several points in your post @Eden1919 that I will address separately.

Firstly it is often that some posts do not get addressed immediately but new members are actively encouraged to post on Introduce Yourself Here as that is where many more members 'subscribe' to so that newer members are not felt like you have described. A lot of that has been left in the past to the Community Guides but unfortunately many of them have left the forum over the last year and/or have had major personal issues to deal with as well. There are a small handful of members that continually respond on the Introduce thread and direct newer members to different parts of the forum in relation to their interests/hobbies/issues. 

I agree there is often less support for newer members that post a new thread but that is also very much determined by the content of the post. Some members do not or can not relate to what is being said and supporting that post might be all that they can give. It is not ideal but here is also where I see the moderators need to step in and help out as well - this used to be done but has become less so over time. 

As for some getting more support than others - yes this is the case. The simple answer to that is that some are here more often and put in a lot of time and effort to support and develop those bonds across many threads. Every community will inevitably develop 'mini' communities within them and for some here there has been a very real friendship developed - and often through mutual support in a long journey for all those involved.

For some also it is about self-care. lessening posible triggers and feeling comfortable with the support network they have developed. That may seem exclusive to some but is very much inclusive for those in that kind of relationship here.

When it comes down to it we must all remember that each and every one of us are here because of Mental Illness and how we choose to interact is a very personal thing. No one person or group of people should be responsible for anyone else - we are peer supporters not moderators or Community Managers - and we all have our own 'demons' or 'issues' to deal with the best we can.

All across the forum there are some members that continue to support others one on one and in groups - this is just as important for those members as it is for newer members - just because someone has been here for longer does not mean that they do not still need that support. 

It is probably a balance that is not seen as widely either by some - the time and effort actually put in by some to support a wide range of people and threads - both existing and new. Unfortunately that is often left to a select few and that can become both emotionally and physically impossible to sustain all the time.

The downside of a peer to peer forum is that we are not all equipped to handle some of the things written and therefore cannot provide support either. It is often that new posts have very triggering content for some and someone reading cannot provide support because in doing so would have an adverse personal reaction and to continue to be a supporter of peers one needs to be emotionally able to do so.

I think part of what makes this forum such a wonderful place is that so many people do find their space here but it should never be left to a few to do that job that needs many to do. We can only do what we can do and deal with what we can deal with and that greater responsibility to make sure newer members also find 'their place' here is a whole of forum responsibility - members, moderators, community builder and community managers.

[Eden1919]

@Zoe7  I understand where you are coming from but I don’t think it is exactly the same as effort put in = response recieved. There are plenty of people both older and newer members who put in a lot of effort and time to reply who still don’t get the same back as others who do the same as them. I also don’t think it should be that you only get support if you put in a lot of time to support others. And I am not meaning to say that long standing members don’t need support I don’t mean that at all. I still think there are long standing members who don’t always get a lot of support as well. I do agree having more moderators around could be helpful to bridge the gap of the members but I am not sure how sane is funded or what their capacity is for having more moderators. I also understand the self care part of it and agree it should not be left to the few to look after the many. As far as the mini communities being inclusive it is hard I don’t think they are exclusive in the way that people are not welcome to post but I must say I couldn’t expect anyone to read through the thousands of posts on some threads to understand what is going on and I think the fact that these communities have such histories is kind of what makes it hard to join in. If you haven’t been there from the start there is always a sense of have I missed something and it is quite daunting I find. It just seems to make it harder to break into the communities although I don’t know how to fix that issue. But that’s just my opinion and thank you for yours. 

[Zoe7]

One of the keys to what you wrote is certainly familiarity @Eden1919 Those who are more familiar with another's story are more likely to post in certain areas. The connections formed and the long history of support in those areas happen and are just as important to those people in that particular thread as others in other threads.

It must also be highlighted that there are thousands of threads on the forum - some frequented occasionally and some regularly. It is a fact that those that have a lot of people that subscribe to some threads are longer than others - that is going to be inevitable though. Connections become formed and members gravitate towards what they are comfortable with. Those longer threads are certainly not exclusive - and I can talk from my personal point of view that the thread I am most on not only welcomes new members but actively encourges them to join in - whether they do or not is their choice in the long run. But that is one of thousands and everyone needs to find their own 'place' in the forum.

On a completely different note - there is always a moderator on and there has been the introduction more recently of a Community Builder - someone who is supposed to bridge these gaps somewhat - that is still a work in progress as far as I see it as one person cannot do that job alone either.

As for the support aspect  - I see members who put in an extraordinary amount of time across many, many threads and that inevitable leads to connections being formed as well. I am definitely not saying that support given should equal support received but more highlighting that often when someone gives that support it is reciprocated when needed.

A lot of responses also come down to subscriptions and managing notifications. I personally subscribe to hundreds of threads - some haven't been used by members for many months or even years but if that person comes back and posts on that thread I am notified. There are also times I need to turn all those notifications off because of the mental space I am in - and in those times stick to where I feel safest and most comfortable. That inevitably is one or two threads where I know I will have support. That support for me has been built up over a very long time with members that I have a much stronger bond with. Some of those responses also come down to when someone is tagged. Apart from those few threads I read regularly I generally only respond to posts I have been tagged in. This has happened more so over the last year or so because the forum has grown significanlty.

That is another point - the forum has grown so much that it is impossible to know what is going on for everyone as it once used to be. When the forum was much smaller it did seem like everyone knew everyone else and if someone needed support then there would be members there to do so. Now it is more like a large city than a small country town and will that expansion has come those 'mini' communities - much like suburbs develop in the city. That brings with it all that goes with such divisions - a way of socialising, a way of communicating, a way of sharing and a way of supporting others. We all have our own ways of doing those things and generally gravitate towards those with similar interests, values or diagnosis as well.

Maybe the question should not be 'how do I break into an existing thread' but more 'how do I build a network around me that sustains my needs' here on the forum - as I am sure that there would be many members not just willing but able to walk alongside you with that. 

[Eden1919]

@Zoe7  yes the size of the forums now does bring many new and different challenges. and yes people do often reply to what they relate to best which is fine. I would say though that i dont think it is a simple as starting a mini comunity around you, for that to happen people have to reply in the first place and continue to do so. and while yes you may get replies it is more the continuation of support that i suppose i am reffering to. there arent that many threads that continue to grow and form a community the way some of the larger ones have. often there will be a few replies and then people just stop replying. even if the original poster replies back and tags people sometimes the conversation just stops. sometimes this is a natural finish and sometimes this isnt. and again this could be due to what people can relate to and long term bonds but how is someone supposed to create those bonds if 1. their issue/topic is not as relatable to as many people. and 2. if they have reached out and no one is there to reply. i am not saying everyone should feel responsible for eachother but i think it is hard for those who dont share common issues with others to be able to build their own circle of support it is like they are already at a disadvantage from the start. i just dont think it is a simple as starting a new post or tagging people because even when some people do that is doesnt get a response. maybe it is down to how people express themselves and who you naturally gravitate to just like in real life not everyone will get along or be friends but i do think it makes it hard for the not so popular kids who are no less deserving of support but who maybe dont shine as bright so they just end up with less. most of the time people will get a few replies and that is great but i guess the support i am refering to is the threads where people check in daily to communicate and frequent regularly the ones that have a steady flow of long term support. also i dont think it is a simple as posting to join in i have tried that myself with a few threads and was quite frankly ignored no one replied directly but one or 2 people did say hello but idk how to explain it there felt like there was a wall and idk maybe that is on me but i just think there is something else happening that maybe none of us are seeing that is making things turn out this way over and over again. and i dont mean to offend anyone but i am also not sure i am explaining what i mean very clearly which is my fault but i also dont know how to say exactly what i mean. sorry. 

[Zoe7]

I think there are two sides to the coin here @Eden1919 One is the alienation that some may feel from certain threads and the other is the support that is given and received on those same threads. Both sides are real. Maybe the question for you is why do you want to be part of a particular thread - is it because of the interactions on that thread, because you connect with those members (or want to), or you have similar experiences that you can share ...to name a few. 

I completely understand what you are saying about someone posting a reply once and then not seeing them again. I myself only choose to reply to newer members (apart from Introduce Yourself Here) when I feel I can give longer term support. To be able to do that I need to know that I myself have something to give that member - whether it be time, shared experience or shared interests. Sometimes we just cannot relate to others' experiences or life.

Is it maybe that you want to be included in some of these longer threads - to feel more part of the community in that way but find it hard to 'break into' those threads. I hear that you have posted on some of those threads but maybe they were not the right ones for you to do that?

[Eden1919]

@Zoe7  this wasnt supoosed to be specifically about me and i am not really sure i want to go there right now. but it isnt just about the specific thread it is about the idea that people shouldnt be ignored when they do try and reach out. i am not saying there wasnt some support offered but it idk how to explain it. it felt like being invited to a party but not being included in the activities. and while that was likely no ones intentions it still feels bad. there have been some threads where that hasnt happened but idk i dont think i can explain it right now i will have to think and get back to you.