Am I really a victim?

[Catiepiller]

I experienced sexual abuse as a child and never told my family for 30 years.  Up until that point I had never been labelled a survivor or victim.  Even when I disclosed what had happened I was adamant I didn't was those labels but now I can see the impact of what living with this secret has done to me.  I feel more like a victim than ever because I can see what this has done to me. For 30 years I lived in survival mode but now  I'm constantly triggered, I'm jumpy, don't sleep, socially anxious, I have a fear of failure and I can't concentrate at work.  I think now that I'm aware of how this has affected me I feel more hurt and wounded than ever.  Every trigger cuts that little bit deeper.  I don't want to be a victim, I didn't choose this, but I kind of am and I hate it.  Has anyone else here felt this way?  I didn't think I would ever put myself in the victim box and I'm kind of not sure what to do with it.

[Bow]

I think we are victims.... survivors simple because of what has happened to us. But as you have already put it, they are just labels. What you chose to do with them is up to you. The things that happen to us as a result of the abuse can have massive impacts on our daily lives, things that we often have zero control over (the flashbacks, the nightmares, panic attacks... all the different trauma responses), they are all horrible and we shouldn't under estimate how much they can affect us months, years or decades after the trauma. 
I've personally had numerous incidents of sexual assault... abuse, and I'm constantly dealing with trauma responses at the moment. 
not sure I'm really answering your questions, but want you to know that you have been heard, I understand and get it and to please go easy on yourself. It's not an easy journey you are in. 

[Clawde]

Hi @Catiepiller  being a victim on any level is a burden, on our lives just when life is going along nicely the memory's and feelings dragg us into the quick sand feeling.

personally I have heaps to say about this subject, but my time is not now.

Look after you first , look after you 2nd , and look after you 3rd.

Keep on reaching out on these forums there is a wealth of knowledge, experience, and very caring soles around. This is why it does not matter how old the crime against you has happened the crime against you that has burdened your life is not right or fair.
and if you need to or want to ring the Police if it's a law breaker they will help but most of all they protect people and fix past crimes against us.

life is short and the perpetrator is probably still committing crimes against others because it thinks it got away with it, Open the can you could be helping someone else. But most of all air and share a problem it lightens the load. 

don't ever worry about labels, Life is to short. 

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Catiepiller 

Is there anywhere in yourself that has accepted that this is happened to you and it's okay to feel different?

[Former-Member]

Morning @Catiepiller 🐛

Big hugs for you (if you're okay receiving them). As a survivor, my heart goes out to you and is with you 💜You are not alone – many of us have felt, or are feeling, similar experiences/emotions to those you've described. 

To answer your question, "am I a victim?", I believe that's a question we all come to terms with on our own journies, and as such, isn't a question someone can answer for you. For me, at times I have felt like a victim, and at other times I feel like a survivor. As I've progressed in processing the trauma, I feel less and less a victim and more empowered to survive, and dare I say, thrive.

From a linguistic perspective, here is a link which helps to briefly unpack both definitions. 

One of the things that helped me feel less in survival mode, less triggered, jumpy and just down right awful, was finding a skilled therapist I could trust to help me unpack it all. Do you have any professional supports you feel you can trust?

I also wanted to link you in to another post here in the forums (just a heads up that it comes with a trigger warning so please click through only if and when you feel able) and introduce you to another member @Elephanthart  (I hope you don't mind ) who I think may be walking a similar path at the moment.

@Catiepiller remember, this is something that was done to you, it is not you, and from someone who is perhaps a little further down their journey, things can and do get better 💜

If you don't already have a self-care toolbox i.e. a list of things that help you to feel grounded and safe, then I'd be happy to make some recommendations of tools that I've found work for me. Just @ me and I'll be happy to share 😊

Rhye 🌞

[Appleblossom]

@Catiepiller 

At least the 'Survivor' moniker breaks the duality of victim and victor.  Victim shaming is sadly very common in our society.  Who would want to have double the trouble,  the bad experience and then rejection or invalidation, but in a society that is hard nosed it can happen.

I never saw myself as victim and picked meself and kept going, but from time to time I really have to stay still and go within and take stock of the damage done to me, it has just become a way of being.  Then after the necessary time I can bounce out of bed with energy and enthusiasm again.

Take Care

Apple

[Former-Member]

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@Appleblossom wrote:

@Catiepiller 

At least the 'Survivor' moniker breaks the duality of victim and victor. 

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Oh wow @Appleblossom , I hadn't ever really thought of it that way. Very true! 

Empowered hugs to you to 💜

[Catiepiller]

That's a very interesting question.... I've always felt that I needed to be ok for everyone else and protect everyone else. I guess now that I'm actually able to see what experiencing this has left me with it is become very real.

[Catiepiller]

Thankfully he died a few years ago so I know he at least isn't hurting anyone else. On the other hand, I do wish that I had been able to speak up earlier because he spent a lot of time out in the community... he was even Santa at a community Christmas event once :nauseated_face:, good know how many others were hurt by him 😔

[Catiepiller]

I have always just said that I experienced this but now that I can clearly see and understand that the way I respond and react are as a result of this I'm starting to feel differently. It hurts so much, it's almost as though I'm doing this all in reverse. Experience this, be strong and cope, fall apart, feel like a victim. It's not familiar and I don't feel in control of it, perhaps that's the issue?