Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Audrey72]

Hi everyone

My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression..... Prior to that, he believed he experienced anxiety. (I'm not sure if he self-diagnosed or was professionally diagnosed)

The different diagnosis has really affected him. Normally when he was going through an episode with anxiety, it would start with insomnia, he would have the most over-active mind and then start worrying about everything.... and this pattern would last a few days and then he would come out of it and work his way back 'up'. It would usually have been a work issue that triggered it, but the whole world would be engulfed in his thoughts and worry by the end.

His episodes have become much, much more frequent this year, so a fortnight ago he finally brought it up at work and was given some time off to focus on getting himself better. Finally, he went to see a psychologist, and then he was given the diagnosis of depression.

During the last fortnight, he has become a ghost of himself. He can not make any basic decisions whatsoever, he is often curled up in bed..... He is so unhappy, and is really struggling. When we have spoken about it, he says he is struggling with being diagnosed as depressed.

We are doing all the classic stressful things at the moment (building a new house, trying to sell our current house), while managing two small children (4 and 2 years old) with no family support. So I can completely understand his stress. Plus his father had a major stroke in January of this year, which has left him without speech. His father lived abroad, so now they cannot communicate via Skype like they used to. As they are so close, I know this must be so upsetting and he must be grieving for his Dad.

This year has been particularly stressful and hard, and he seems to have been in a downward spiral for most of it. (All the episodes are joining up now, rather than being years or months apart)

After all that.... I suppose I would like to know if anyone has experienced a similar reaction with their partner being diagnosed differently? If so, what did you do to help them?

I do some freelance work for mental health organisations, as well as experience depression myself, so I have always tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible.  I am finding the situation at the moment very draining and frustrating, as my husband seems to have given up and cannot find a light at the end of the tunnel for himself.

He has started taking medication, which I know was a massive step for him. But he read all the supplied information about it, and then believes he is going to experience every negative side effect possible.

He is seeing a psychologist, and is starting CBT. How do you help someone retrain their negative thoughts?

I feel like I have my own mental health 'backpack' on my back, but that he is pulling that bag down to try and get help from me.... I am more than happy to help him, but I am also mindful of my own mental wellbeing, not to be selfish, but for the sake of our two kids, as we have no-one around to help us.

[Appleblossom]

Welcome.

Depression and anxiety do seem to be related. Support is tricky and they do say that it atakes a whole village to raise a child ... so the stress is on.  Perhaps he will come out of it after he has worked through some of his grief about his father and get back to pulling his weight with you more. You probably have all the information of a factual nature at your fingertips ... networks of support can be harder to find.

Good Luck

[Janna]

Hi and welcome,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's depression/anxiety.  It sounds as if he's really taken a nosedive and experiencing quite a debilitating depression at the moment.

I'm not sure if this would help at all, but it sounds to me as though both of you need some time away from all the stresses.  Somehow, if it is at all possible, try to build in some activities into your week which bring some joy and relaxation.  It's really important for your husband to remain as active as possible, get out, be occupied and divert his thoughts away from his depression.  I know this might be difficult with two young children, but perhaps just a daily 30 minute walk, or a day trip somewhere, or the like.  Is there a hobby or interest that you husband can become involved in?  Maybe this is the time for him to do something he likes?  Additionally getting him involved in something in the community, or even joining a group re: depression may help.  

I'd also recommend that he try using MindSpot, This Way Up or some other online, self-help tool where he can learn to better manage his depression/anxiety.  During times when he seems to be struggling I would also suggest that he call a support service such as Beyond Blue and just talk it out.  He may gain some comfort from that and feel better.  He could also join a forum, such as that on Beyond Blue, where he can talk to others about his depression.

All just suggestions here and not sure whether any would suit.

I'm sure that his "diagnosis" has come as a shock and it may take some time to adjust to this.  Hopefully, he'll also benefit from seeing a psychologist on a regular basis and this combined with his medications may see a gradual improvement.

In the meantime try to reassure yourself that you are doing the best you can.  Raising a 2 and 4 year old, building a new home and trying to sell a home are all very stressful things, particularly if you have limited support.  Make the most of the little time you have for yourself and don't feel guilty for it.  You're not going to be of any good to anyone if you don't look after yourself.  You've done well joining here for support.  I like to promote getting support as much as is possible as this has what has got me through many difficult periods in my own life.

Hoping that this will soon pass and things improve.

Janna ❤️

[Audrey72]

Thank you Janna 

I will definitely recommend the self-help tools you've recommended. I think he'd resond to them well.

I have just felt so weighed down and lonely, and there are such limited support opportuntities. But I do feel better for joining here, knowing that people understand how I am feeling and what I'm going through. 

Thanks for taking the time to reply and for your wonderful suggestions.

Natalie

[Audrey72]

Thank you.... yes, there's heaps of information, but such limited support 😞

[Appleblossom]

Yep ... plenty ideas ... information ... but it is delivery of appropriate support is the moot question ... just keep trying but also conserve your energy for the gotta do stuff.

[chookmojo]

I just wanted to say that when I started on SSRI's for anxiety I was horrified by the possible side effects and convinced I would experience them all too.

I kept a log of what side effects (as well as positive benefits) I ACTUALLY experienced and the intensity, and I can say that by the end of the second week the side effects were very minimal, and now at the end of three months even though my dose has doubled I have no side effects that are problematic at all, and the benefits have been tremendous.

That's not to say he won't have unpleasant side effects to his meds, I am just saying that it can be helpful to log it and rank it when in the process of finding out which meds work best with your particular chemistry. It takes a while for your body to really adjust, so encourage him to stick with it for at least 6 weeks unless he has some unbearable side effects.

[AlienBP2]

Depression and anxiety are related I suggest you join a meditation group it helps to quiet the mind and meet some nice people exercise is also good. Avoid coffee and Alchohol....this should help