Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[DoctorDonna]

hello. 

As I lie in bed my husband is merely a metre away on the computer but I feel so very alone. My heart is breaking and I am fighting back tears. You see my lovely husband of five years hits himself when he gets frustrated. I feel so helpless as I can't make him stop it. I can love and support him but I can't make him stop.

he went out to play a thing called Magik, which he enjoys doing but he got sad/angry about it and spiralled into self destruct mode. He did message me to tell me, which is a good thing. He requested I didn't come or call but texting was ok. He came home 2 hrs ago and said he was going to play some computer games, about half a hour ago I heard him hit himself or something around him. I want to rush to him, tell him to stop but that doesn't help so I came to the here. 🙂

I'm not sure if I will post this yet but just  typing it is helpful anyway.

when my husband and I got married I thought he would always be the OK one. I come from a relatively dis functional p family and have lived through some Shit. He was always so calm and steady. We both love the lord Jesus and I loved his desire to serve our God and Gods people. We planned to start trying for kids after 2 years of marriage. Alas this is not what happened. A year and a half into marraige he ended up in hospital for five weeks and since then we try and work towards recovery.

i feel like I can't complain as he is so much better now then a few years ago, he is holding down a full time job, he never blames me for his illness or is abusive. He is my wonderful funny silly husband who makes me laugh and calls me silly names. He is the man who I pledged to be with in sickness and health. He is my best friend. He is also in so much pain, his anxiety torments him and the guild he feels too. Oh how I wish I could beat anxiety the anxiety up and tell it to leave us alone. I hate how much pain my husband is in. I want to fix it but I know I can't. It SUCKS. 

I am so sorry that anyone who is reading this also has a loved one who is ill, but it is a comfort to feel I am not alone but I still wish no one else was going through it too. 🙁 I really hope your loved ones recover.

so as to end on a positive note. 4 years ago my husband could not was the dishes as fear of getting wet and doing it wrong was overwhelming. He know washes them all the time. It may seam little but for him was major and it reminds me of how far he has come. 

Goodnight ( though I suspect I may not be sleeping much tonight as I won't be able to sleep till he is asleep, but I should at least try.😴

[JoseJones]

@DoctorDonna,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for that revealing, beautifully written and insightful post.  It must be so hard to watch someone you love suffer in that way, which you evoked when you talked about wanting to beat the anxiety up.  As for those moments when your husband actually hits himself, I can't imagine how heart-breaking it must be to see it happen.  It sounds like you've been beside him every step of the way, although it must have left you emotionally and physically spent sometimes.  We could all learn from the strength and compassion of people like yourself.

I'm just wondering, what sorts of things do you to look after yourself?  Do you have the opportunity to set aside some time for yourself?

You might be interested in this thread for wives caring for husbands, while this thread may also be helpful. Perhaps @Shaz51 may like to weigh into the conversation given her experiences with caring for a partner with mental illness?  Other posters who have shared their experiences in the past include @Faith-and-Hope, @Attahua and @Jane9.

[DoctorDonna]

Thank you for your kind words @JoseJones

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @DoctorDonna

I feel for you, and can relate.

I have a husband with an undiagnosed and therefore untreated eating disorder.  

It has been "hiding in plain sight" for the last five years, masquerading as a dramatic life change towards healthy living, with a massive weight loss (from a former state of morbid obesity), and the establishment of a "healthy" daily regimen of diet and exercise ....

The truth is a completely different story, driven by obsession and compulsion, and detrimental to all his relationships, quite apart from the underlying damage to his health, and accompanying mental health issues.

As a family we have decided to try to "walk him home" ....

We still love him .... and understand that he is lost within himself, but can still recover from where he is .... and this way we can still recover our relationships with him as well .... eventually ....

It is very difficult, and has taken a lot of soul-searching, adjustment, placing of behavioural boundaries .... and a whole lot of heartache along with it.  I would say we are managing in the moment ..... moment to moment ..... waiting for it to surface, which it will if it remains on this tangent.

It helps to talk .... and others on this site are very understanding and supportive.  You have found a community here who listen, empathise, and share the struggles of the journey.

Take care.  Glad you posted.

🌷 F&H

[pip]

Hi DoctorDonna. I have never been in your situation, either self harming, or watching a loved one self harm. It appears he becomes frustrated easily when he feels he is losing control. Playing computer games is supposed to relax and ease tension, not cause more. Perhaps getting him interested in something less stressful might be a good idea. Does he have outside interests or hobbies i.e sports, where he can watch, or playing games with you. I would like to suggest you ask if he would be interested in joining a sports club where the two of you could participate. Maybe indoor bowls, ten pin bowling, darts. Something not too competitive so he could relax and enjoy. Have you tried talking to your minister, I gather you both attend church. Your hubby needs to remove himself from these destructive influences before he really hurts himself again.

[Shaz51]

Hello @DoctorDonna

welcome to the forum'

I know totally what you mean, mine might be a little bit diffeent in some ways ,

My husband  is so much better now then a few years ago,

I am his second wife , I am a stepmother to  4  children

at the begining of our marriage I found it very hard , but over the years I have learnt a few things that have helped , I find if i am calm , my husband is more relaxed

keep in touch , if you got any question please ask and if i think of more , I will be back xx

[DoctorDonna]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

my heart goes out to you. How very hard on your family and your husband. I have been very fortunate that my husband is seeking help (sees a psychiatrist weekly) I can not imagine how hard it must be when untreated.

Hope today is a good day.

🐶DD

[DoctorDonna]

hello @Shaz51

THankyou for your reply. It has been such an encouragement to read the replays and hear other people's stories in the "our stories" section. You are amazing to be coping with your husband illness as well as step children. 

I have a step mum (though technically she isn't my step mum anymore as my Dad and her broke up) who I love and cherish ever so much. She may not have given birth to me but she is still my mum. We had a rough start (i was 14) but I can't imagine my life without her and it was worth going through the hard times to get to here. I hope your relationship with your step kids is good but even if it's not it can get better over time. 

🐶DD

[DoctorDonna]

Hi @pip

thankyou for your reply.

thankfully we have been very supported by our Church and ministers. As my husbands illness is quite complex there is not much they can do but walk the road with us. It is such a support knowing they pray for us and opening the bible with them. 

Self harm is such a strange thing to observe as it is really in my husbands case his way of trying to control him self. Many times I have held his hand so he can't as he tries to work through something. 

The computer is a pro and con for us as it is a way he calms but can also cause stress. Last night he actually said to me that he wanted to play a particular game but decided not to as he felt he would get cross/sad if it didn't go well. That's a win in my books😀

🐶DD

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @DoctorDonna

Yeah .... it really sucks, but I'm a believer .... so walking in faith here ....

I still have my down days, but believe we will get through it all if we just keep walking in integrity.

Will tag you from our virtual coffee shop. You can just drop in and chat for company there any time 😊