Struggling to be

[PeppiPatty]

dearest @Aenoran,

I wrote "dearest," because your messages...I look forward to them and thank you so much for your written smile that I made a mistake when I wrote .......harsh. It was Definitely projective identification on my part.....my doing it.

So what happened for me was when you wrote about this awful therapist you saw......( he has done the training you know ) was that awful memory of a psychotherapist who also did the training and used me for her abuse punching bag. It was 20 years ago and when I read your message I remember feeling angry.....not at you but all that f&@$......abuse I forced myself to go through when I refused to walk away from her for 4 years.

Back to the Psychotherapist I saw ....I'm now going to read egocentric ........but Like I wrote it was over 20 years ago, it took a long time to process all the.....I'm punching bag .......and work myself out of it. Then that cool dude @nigioc
Well....he and you reminded me of when I was working through the recipe for stop being yelled at. Thank &@$; for my sticking with 18 years of Psychotherapy.
Not always the best for everyone but it helped me.

And what am I left with? No money, an absolutely darling doggy, two sons who don't talk to me (I don't care) an amazing healing mum and my own home via homeswest in a very wonderful place. but as

Freud wrote.....all therapy is is going from severe neurotic anxiety to just pure unhappiness.....

don't quote me okay ?

@Aenoran
Thank you for what you wrote about me. I'm going to draw the three words and put artwork around them. Canny, witty, observant

[Aonaran]

Heya @PeppiPatty ,

Hope you're doing okay.  How did church turn out for you?

(I was raised Presbyterian myself, but lost my interest in church a long time back.  But I try not to impose that on anyone else -- I believe religion is a very personal choice.)

I've been a little quiet for the last week or so -- the days are growing suddenly cold here, and early dark, and that always makes me head for the cave and want to spend more time there.  My poor old mattress seems to have grown suddenly sad and doughy, so it's time to start saving pennies for a new one.  I don't know if it's just me, but there's something about the constant slog of maintenance of the little details of life that I find thoroughly depressing, particularly when you're going through a period of your life where it feels like that's all there is to your existence.

Also -- and this may not get past moderation, I can never tell ahead of time [ 😉 ] -- I've been unexpectedly sad and pensive over the executions in Bali this week.  Not from an issue of politics, nor moral righteousness, nor legal guilt -- I'm not trying to get into that kind of debate here -- but from the thought of two young men doing something that was doubtless greedy, thoughtless and self-centred, and their lives being taken away because of it.  There's something about the mournfulness of people dying that makes me melancholic;  perhaps it's because I'm so heavily mindful of my own life being empty and having amounted to nothing, and the thought that it will end before I've somehow got any runs on the board of which I can be proud.  (I was going to say that it will come before I'm ready, but I suspect that's true, and inevitable, for almost all of us.)

Also, the sad death of Andrew Lesnie, a cinematographer I hugely admired.  He was not much older than me, and had the same heart condition I have.  That's gotta make you think.

But on the subject of death penaltes especially, I remember seeing the film Dead Man Walking when it was first released at the flicks, and being so moved by that, that by the end of the film I was left sobbing, and sat there through the credits simply trying to clear my eyes enough that I could find my way out of the darkened cinema.  I didn't manage it, and finally this little old lady saw my distress, and took me by the elbow and led me out (me at 6'5", she around 4'8"), making soft, reassuring sounds to me all the time.  It was in part the honesty with which the bereaved parents were depicted, but mostly it was Sean Penn's performance of the man who could only acknowledge the true horror of what he'd done as he stepped into the shadow of his own death.  I have the film on Blu-ray, and I still weep every time I watch it.

Ah listen, it's raining again.  Good thing I love the sound of rain on my iron roof.  (I suspect that's true metaphorically as well as literally! 😉 )

[Had to edit this, though I haven't changed anything -- my fingers were fair twitching at the typos!]

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Aonaran,

Hi, thanks for message, something to get my teeth into .....I really should re write this message because I'm going to write about a dream I had last night.....
Yes, I went to a Presbyterian church, it was okay...I haven't been back and will probably go to a Catholic Church this Sunday, where my Mum goes.....

I read your message with interest. I feel like I'm also going through a very little of what your thinking, don't know......
once I re read and read your message, your describing words are interesting.....
Sad and doughy
Constant slog
Poor old
This is not what your existence is, to you during the day...it might feel but oh, you went to see that film with Sean Penn,,,,,,your 6,5" and a little old lady led you out. You must have shown a beautiful fragile side of you that maybe.....you might not notice?? and you wrote about it straight after writing about deaths and harshness....it's always interesting what people write AFTER what they say first hey??? :0)

ille write about that in a sec but first
can I write about my dream i had last night?? I dreamt about this home I used to live in when a teenager and my Mum and me Had started up a children's shop together. so, upstairs in this beautiful old home that we used to live in, my Mum and me were selling gorgeous children's books and clothes. It was
Christmas and my Mum was sewing beautiful fancy costumes to give to the children as extra gifts if they come into the shop, it was Christmas, our shop was really wonderful. but my Dad , my step dad was hanging around ( I didn't see him) and a dog who kept on poohing throughout the home so my job, I didn't want to bother Mum, she was busy with the shop and getting compliments .......was picking up all the pooh left by the dogs. It was easy to pick up, throw away and there was a lot of it. anyway, whenever I had a break, I would fly ( yes, I could fly) around with a child to give them a thrill and I was also working.

The home, the details of the home and the beautiful clothes were just wonderful and cheery. I usually wear pastel stuff and earthy colours but these colours were all rich greens and reds and also.....'holly hobby,' type clothes but every so often, IDE have to stop and pick up all the dogs pooh..
then I woke up.....

It feels like I'm picking up all that shit because that the mess the stalker I have is in my life.
I have a new beginning with me Mum.

I have a new but slightly unhinged relationship with my brothers.

and I will write, about you, you @Aonaran, it feels like your getting your mind right too. that 'not for politics...." You feel that your life is empty but honey.........look how much you are processing, you have the enourmous amount of compassion that an elderly lady sees.
what does....' And the thought that it will end before I've somehow got any runs on the board of which I can be proud..........for almost all of us.)"

The deaths in Indonesia were terrible. the deaths were also a political statement can you respond on that statement? It's amazing that the men have someone like you who can feel your good compassion for.
I haven't seen dead man walking....don't want to go through that angst. My family, we all went to see one of Sean Penn films in California, think it was called 21..... Or something.....we all pulled faces through it......I can't cope with too much Sean Penn angst. wonderful amazing actor he is though.

your one treasure @Aonaran. Love reading your messages. I always hope in a little way, I contribute to the forums.....tired always, exhausted from fighting the normalcy of life.......does anything make any difference that I'm around. Probably not.

Cheers, hope you write soon,
Anne

[Aonaran]

Pretty low ebb at the moment.

There's nothing more demoralising than reaching out for help, and being treated in a way that's clearly more about the giver than the receiver.  It's so difficult, having to play the role of the compliant, grateful patient, so that the Helper can feel good about themselves.  How about a win-win?  Why do so many career capital-h Helpers write such demeaning power differentials into their scripts?

[PeppiPatty]

completely agree
Can you write more?

Anne

[ivana]

Hi Aonaron,

I realy feel sorry for the horrible situations you have had and how you've been treated.

Its not about you,its about them,as you already probably know but it doesn't stop you feeling the hurt of it though.

All i can add is that in life there are many jerks and absolutely some work in professions that are dealing with vulnerable people.

If those people in the complex PTSD used words like insubordinate to refer to you then they are weird/dysfunctional and not in a position to help others so you would be wise to record phone conversations such as these so that you could present them to the CEO etc.

From your posts,it comes across that you are overly sensitive to interactions.That doesnt mean that they arn't being jerks,it just means you need to find a way to not be so affected.

One of the ways to deal with this is to have no expectations and no assumptions of people.

It doesnt mean having no standards,just no expectations.

IE;dont expect that because people are working with people with mental illness (whether a doctor,nurse,call centre etc) that they will have the qualities of being nice,kind,caring,understanding,compassionate,helpful,person centred etc)..

When we have no expectations of people,we are then less shocked by their actions.

This doesnt mean that we dont then act to remove these "jerks" from positions they shouldnt be working in.

We still take action,but are less emotionally affected by them.

Regarding:

"Despite all the positive messages in the media about MI (and was I the only one who saw most of the content of the "Mental" week on the ABC a wee while back as mostly lip-service, and people reassuring themselves that they are "good" and "caring"?)..."

No,your not the only person that saw this programme as mostly lip-service or simply "preaching to the converted".

Its horrible that you feel your having to play the games of your doctor (or whoever you were referring to).

The reality is is that some of these people have a truckload of their own issues but this is something that is never addressed by Beyondblue or sane etc..

[Aonaran]

Jeez, how condescending.

What, @ivana, did you decide you'd deign to lean down from your lofty mountain-top and give this mere mortal a pat on the head ?  Well, you can shove it up your jumper.

Agree with me or not, I don't care, but you can keep your personal judgements to yourself.

[NikNik]

@ivana & @Aonaran

Wooaahh - it seems like things are getting heated in here.

I just want to remind everyone that  our guidelines state that this is a space where people are respectful towards one another.

I can see both points of view here. From what I can see  @ivana was attempting to provide you with support and strategies, however I can see how @ivana 's  language can come across quite direct.

While we don't expect everyone to agree and have similar opinions, it's important that we address each other respectfully.

If someone said something you don't like then raise this issue with them, and point out specifically what it is they wrote and how it impacted you, and avoid making the person the issue.

Lets try and keep our intentions in our posts positive towards each other.

🙂

[PeppiPatty]

Hmmmm Mr @Aonaran,

Let me be up front. You have always shown to me that you are compassionate. And very very intelligent. Just a tic, I've lost my flow of thought, ille reread Ivanas message......I'm meaning to write that I feel @ivana is working at ' sounding ', back your message and trying not to get caught up in her own emotions.

I'm very interested in your post before too. I need to re read......I'm no good at re writing as well.

[PeppiPatty]

Phew @NikNik wrote exactly what I was trying to write.
@NikNik to the rescue ( again)
but can I also stick up for my friend, @Aenoran. I can see why he was writing that. I expect @ivana's giggling away here.

I can say that having no expectations of anyone reminds me of superstars......we are quick to judge of all the money and fame they get but do we know what happens behind the glamour? I just read on Facebook that a well known director. Wrote of a movie stars 'wants,' list. It wasn't for green M&ms or water shipped from the French waterfall of youthful advantage but that a percentage of workers were to be homeless people hired to work and be paid for his shows.