Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Janna

I second what @Mosaic wrote - you certainly are a 'mamma warrior'. The sense that I get from your posts is that you are resilient, and compassionate. You are carrying so much on your shoulders. I hope that you also take some time out to look after yourself too. I'm glad that you managed to get a counselling session with his psychologist. Do you have support for yourself?

It sounds like your son and you are doing it tough. You both have been through some pretty big life changes in the recent weeks. While these changes are for the best, perhaps for your son,  it might take some time to process all that has happened. Bearing in mind, that at his age, he doesn't have the same ability as us adults have to make sense of how things can impact our overall well being. So be mindful of setting manageable and realistic expectations - if he has lived with an abusive father his whole life, it may take some time to work through the impact that this has had on him. The fact that he has soldiered on has a desire to continue with schooling despite his sleep disturbances, I think, is a great achievement.

Going to a see a psychologist can be hard work, and it's not unusual for people to miss appointments. Is your son open to scheduling another appointment?

CB

[Janna]

 Thank you Cherry for responding and making me feel a little better.  This subject concering the mental health of an adolescent is not an easy one to discuss with just anyone.  Most people I know can't grasp the complexity of it and give advice that simply would not cut it in my situation.

My son has weekly appointments with his psychologist and has another booked for 4pm next Wednesday.  He hasn't indicated that he does not want to attend this or go to therapy ever again, which I'm taking as a positive sign.  I also have weekly therapy with my psychologist.  Both of the psychologists work in the same practice and have been our therapist for almost 3 years now.  Even though they are our individual therapists there is communication between them which works very well for both of us. 

I think I need to lower my expectations and focus on the good things that are, as opposed to focusing on things that aren't.  It's very hard to maintain this, especially when my son's behaviour often targets me (mainly because there is no-one else to target).  

When a person is down and severely depressed their negative energy is like a vortex that spirals inwards.  It's very easy to get trapped in that same inwardly spiralling vortex along with them and adopt their negativity.  It happens to me without me even realising it and ends up with me feeling chaotic and out of sorts.  I don't know if that's just me, or a normal phenomenon.

I try where I can to get some "me" time into the mix, but I can assure you that these moments are short lived and can easily and swiftly be negated by my son in a matter of seconds.  I feel that there is a need for a greater focus on me and perhaps that will be my next strategy.  

Janna x

[Appleblossom]

It takes everything you have got. I have had scenes like that with my brother.  You did the right thing and some things need to work through their own logic. I have kept away from discussions about whether I am loved with my family. If you never get .triggered they stop thinking you are human so occasionally is a probably a reasonable reality check for him.

I see him as struggling with the separation and entering manhood and dealing with his anger and guilt about that. I also think that as he was prepared to even walk with you to the therapist there must be some good will even if in those moments he had regressed.

I just tell my little stories as examples.  Hope things settle.

[Janna]

I'm pleased to report that after my impromptu session with my son's therapist yesterday I'm feeling better within myself and more at ease with things in general.  Sometimes a good offload to an understanding and empathic person who fully understands the complexity of things is just what's needed.  Her words were able to make me feel better because I received some positive reinforcement for all that I have done and continue to do.  She also acknowledged how difficult my son is and how feeling overwhelmed by it all is totally understandable.

I've also taken a step back and have been able to broaden my perspective again and look at the bigger picture rather than the current crisis he/we are in.  That helps as well.  It's all too easy sometimes to focus only on the horrible "now" of a situation and lose a healthy perspective.  I have to try and not forget the past and how this has impacted on him and remember that he is struggling far more than I am.  It's not easy to do this all the time, and I guess that's why it's important to get support during the difficult times.

Just being able to voice what has been happening to people who understand via this forum has been therapeutic.  Thanks again.

Janna 💛

[Janna]

As posted before I'm feeling a lot better about things at the moment.  In keeping with the advice that I receive from everyone about making sure that I look after myself, I'm doing something nice for myself this weekend with a close girlfriend.  She has a conference to attend in the city and is staying in a hotel for 4 nights.  She has invited me to come along tomorrow so that we can cruise around the city doing whatever our hearts desire, then have dinner and stay the night in the hotel with her.  Sounds great, and just what I need in the name of self-care.  Time out and a change of scenery- yahoo!

Yesterday I excitedly told my mother (who lives with us) about this, and instead of being greated with positive support, I was met with a face that oozed disapproval and a sarcastic "Oh, that's nice".  I challenged her and said "Why do you say that in a way that is very disapproving?  Do you have a problem with it?".  She again sarcastically said "No, I don't have a problem.  I just don't see what's so exciting about going into the city".  I then replied "You know it would have been really nice to hear you say "That sounds great.  You really need a break".   She didn't reply to this, but the look on her face said it all.

It never ceases to amaze me why my mother, who see's the constant struggles that I go through and has witnessed my breakdowns, fails to understand how draining it is to look after my son and why she can't see that self-care is important.  This opened up another Pandora's box for me and made me realise how non-supportive she actually is and how she never offers words of comfort, does anything to ease my burden, or would even consider that I may need assistance or time out.  I understand that she's aged (she's 86) but she is a healthy and active lady.

Having a supportive family is so important in situations like this.  Having no family support just makes it so much harder.  But when you have an undercurrent that works against you by choice by deliberately withdrawing, it makes it even harder.

Sorry for the little offload, but her reaction just killed me.  It makes me feel that she does not believe that I'm deserved of a break and also for some unknown reason is making me feel a little guilty for going.  All the more reason to go and get out of this place so I can reset my equilibrium.

Janna ❤️

[CherryBomb]

@Janna,

I'm so pleased to hear that you're taking some time out to care for you! I felt bothered and upset to hear that you feel unsupported in doing by your mum.

It's hard to know why people react the way they do, and I'm cautious of attempting to give reasons as to why your mum behaved in such a way. We can never really know what's going on for someone because we can't get inside their minds. Whatever you mum's perception is of the situation is, don't let it cloud yours. Your mum may see things differently to you, and therefore expect you to behave in a different way. Maybe it's a generational thing, maybe it's a shift in behaviour that she's uncomfortable with, or maybe she feels stressed herself. Who knows. But focus on you.

You are going through such a tough time, so I think it's important to surround yourself with people who can give you what you need. During times like this, in my own experience, I feel fragile as it is,  and to have someone push what's already feels broken can shatter how I'm feeling. So I am mindful of surrounding myself with nurturing people. Sometimes there will be friends and family who can step up to the occasion, other times these same friends and family may have their own stuff going and not be able to provide us with support, and that's ok, we can't expect people to give support if they're not up to it for whatever reason.

We can find support elsewhere. Whether it's through a counsellor, or here on the online Forums, or other friends and family. Self-care also involves having people in your life who can care for you too.

So happy to hear that you're getting out and about. Sounds like so much fun. Gotta love a good meal, and a good company. It's good for the soul, and it can help to recharge the batteries. Don't carry guilt around for needing you time. Caring for your son, involves caring for you too. Working in mental health, I have to say it's the number 1 lesson for many people entering the field. You can't give what you don't have. And if you don't have energy and self-care, then it's mighty tough to give other people energy and care too. So get out there, have compassion for yourself, let your hair down, and energise yourself.

Can't wait to hear about your night out.

[Janna]

Thank you Cherry ❤️ 😙  Your words really hit the spot for me right now and are just what I needed.  I had another incident with my mother just as I was leaving for work this morning that triggered anger and frustration in me and brought tears to my eyes.  Luckily I only vented this by slamming the car door as hard as I could 😳

My daughter is going camping for the weekend and was leaving this morning.  After having spoken with her and getting food for her to take, I went to her room to bid my final farewell just as I was leaving for work.  I said "Have a great time, hope the weather stays fine and try and send me an SMS when you arrive. See you on Sunday".  She replied with a "Thanks and I'll try to message you but don't know if I'll get a signal".  I turned to leave her room and found my mother standing in the hallway observing and then came the clincher "It would be nice if you gave her a kiss and a hug.  You never do that do you?".  My daughter immediately bought into this and said "Yeah, she's right", so with that I turned gave her a kiss and hug and bid my farewell.  I was freaking fuming because my mother is the epitome of someone who never shows love, affection or comfort and has been the most emotionally absent mother since I can remember.  SHE was the role model that was never demonstrative and now has the audacity to pull me up in front of my daughter for not hugging and kissing her.  What was she trying to achieve?

I honestly left in anger and as I was driving I was trying to analyse what it was about what she had said that triggered me in such a big way.  In the course of this deep thinking I realised that when we were all living together with my abusive soon-to-be ex-husband in a highly dysfunctional home, she was a key player in it as well, but it wasn't obvious because my H's behaviour always took centre stage.  Now that we are away from him it is showing her up for what she really is, and as horrible as this sounds, she is a highly manipulative, judgemental and negative woman with limited emotional intelligence.

The other day when my son had a BIG wobbly about the mix-up with his therapy times and had stormed out of the house saying that this may be the time to end-it-all, I clearly was very upset and on the verge of tears.  Instead of comforting me or offering words that may have eased my distress, my mother starts raising her voice at me and said "YOU need to do something.  He needs help".   I snapped back "I AM doing everything I can possibly do" and with that she became offended that I spoke to her like this and got up and walked off.  How nice it would have been to hear words that said "Don't worry.  I know this is tough, but you're doing all you can.  Is there anything I can do to help"!!    

So YES I am really looking forward to getting out and away on the weekend and intend to enjoy every single minute of it.  My girlfriend has already told me that we are NOT going to discuss my ex-H, son, daughter or mother or anything about them.  She's got the right idea.  No point going and spoiling that time with bad content.

In the meantime I'll continue to seek comfort and support from other sources - such as my friends and this forum.  

Thanks again 

Janna 🌹

[Altogether]

Hi @Janna, I know I'm coming in late but have been reading your story. Some of what you say brings tears to my eyes because I can 'feel' how the words your son says and the situation you are in hurts. 

It's so hard because they do lash out at the safe ones in their lives. The ones they know will be there no matter what they do or what they say. That doesn't help you though, because for all the 'don't take it personally' advice, it's so, so hard not to. I've said a few times in the last week that my 'logical brain is battling with my emotional brain'. Personally, I'm not sure who is winning at the moment. 

I hope you've had a fantastic, relaxing weekend with your girlfriend. It sounds like you deserve it completely!  x

[Janna]

Well it's Sunday evening already and I'm back home after my short stay away.  I had the best time out and a very much needed break from the mayhem of everyday life.  My girlfriend and I just seemed to eat, drink and shop on continuous rotation with little rest in between.  A change of scenery, pace and content (as well as diet) was needed more than I realised.  I've actually returned feeling lighter (emotionally, not physically) and recharged, even though this get away was for just short time.  Makes me realise that I really need to build this into my routine more often because of alll these benefits.  

When I start becoming bogged down with everything that is happening, my body starts reacting in subtle ways which I am often not tuned into until they're really obvious and/or gone.  I start feeling "achy" if that's the best way of describing it and my sleep is very disturbed with a lot of tossing, turning, sweating and waking - almost as if my entire night's sleep is one long nightmare.  I had such a good sleep last night and woke up feeling more refreshed and better all round and that achy feeling is gone 🙂

My son appeared to genuinely be pleased to see me and I jokingly asked "Did you miss me?" to which he replied "Yep, a little".  He tells me he's going to school tomorrow ............. I'll believe that one when I see it, but I hope with all my heart that he does.  

Thankyou Altogether for your kind words. Your words, together with everyone elses, are like little bandaids that help heal my hurt and I really appreciate them.

Now that I've had a recharge I honestly do feel so much better.  I can honestly see how important self-care is when dealing with intensely difficult situations.  It's like treading water continuously to the point where you're almost exhausted and then swimming to shore for a rest on the beach before you dive back in again.  If you didn't have that rest you'd go under, but having had it gives you renewed strength and energy. 

Onwards I go to face yet another week.

Janna x

[Untethered]

I have been down the road of trying to get my daughter in to a specialised school setting, this was after countless interviews with the school, sessions with the school counsellor, letters to district offices, meetings, pyschiatric reports , all to no avail, and I am a teacher myself with some inside knowledge of how these access requests work.

 Sadly my daughter dropped out from school and has been in limbo for two years, part of her anxiety/depression manifests itself in agoraphobia, and last year she didn't leave the house for 8 months unless it was to attend appointments and i was available to take her. She can leave the house now but not alone, so she neither studies or works.

Her feelings of inadeqaucy and hopelessness (particularly in seeing her peers graduate, start Uni or work and get their license, all things she is currently unable to acheive) have led to a complete dependance on me to fulfil her every need, very difficult when trying to hold down a full time job as a sole parent.

She has a hospital admission coming up iin a few weeks at a facility she has been to before, I am , as always hopeful they can encourage her to persist with her CBT and DBT strategies and help her to get out of her constant state of suicidal ideation.

I am not sharing this to make you feel hopeless about your situation, I have just found you have to a have not only a Plan A and B, but a C D E F and G as well.

The mental health system has proven to be notoriously difficult to navigate, expensive and frustrating. I am currently in the process of writing a letter to the Health Minister outling the inequity of care for people with a mental illness. Most support is limited, staff are not always trained (ever tried to have a conversation with someone at centrelink!  - all I want is a health care card to reduce the financial pressure) and in comparison to physical health problems which would ensure you received treatment until you were well, mental health services are finite, where exactly do they think this leaves the patient when treatment has to be ended abruptly until another affordable program can be found, and do they even realise this means starting from zero again with a new health carre worker or team?

Anyway, that is my rant, hadn't actually planned to say all that when I started. I guess my letter to the Minister is as therapeutic as it is advocacy, I just want someone to listen and understand and use their poisition of power to faciliate change. The state of mental health (particularly in our youth) is dire and taking action isthe only tool in my box at the moment that may prevent me from developing my own sense of hopelessness.