and it went quite a bit better than the first. She seems to have a good sense of where I am at and has both picked up the pace and her game, so I reckon the first one she was still just feeling me out.
I have homework before my next session to come up with a list of qualities that I value in myself, and also to start working on shifting my self talk away from being very negative and abusive to something more supportive (or at least neutral!). Before I can start that I need to come up with some reframes that I find palatable, as all of her examle were laughably insipid and twee and cheesey to me - I have to find a happy medium so my transition is still reflective of ME and things that I would say if I was being supportive instead of mean - more like how would talk to a friend.
She also told me I am "definitely" on the autism spectrum (not exactly a shocker) and that is a contributing factor for why I find social situatons so exhausting and stressful.
I am to try to be kinder and more forgiving of myself and more appreciative of the way I have overcome many different adversities to get where I am today and to not have such impossibly high expectations of myself. All of which makes sense, and if a bit alien to me, well that is sort of the point.
This is an interesting one because my ENTIRE life I have always been told I have SO MUCH POTENTIAL and if I would only apply myself, or try harder, or focus or stick to something or whatever.... I hadn't realised how much pressure that put on me, or how much I had internalised that pressure into a sense of never being good enough. I first started to shift my attitude on this three years ago when in a discussion with a colleague we were talking about how I was always signing up for and dropping out of courses, and how I felt like I needed SOME kind of offical educational piece of paper to prove I was worthy, and was currently loathing the latest course I was trying this with. Joking he said , "well why don't you just give up on getting th piece of paper?" and I realised it had NEVER occurred to methat quitting this quest was an option, that being worthy without a formal education was an option. He was slightly horrified that his offhand comment was a catalyst for me indeed quitting, but never realised that he was also the catalyst for me first contemplating the idea that I might actually have worth without a piece of paper to back me up.
