Mental Health Carer Forum

Hey @Rick 

I understand what that feels like. We get so used to being the whipping "boy" - you I think were literally so and I was emotionally - for anything and everything that went wrong.

This is incredibly trigger producing, and can have two opposite reactions in us. One is to blame ourselves for everything, finding or magnifying problems or believing our part in them is far worse than it is. The other is to be extraordinarily defensive. I don't know about you - I've only seen the propensity for self-blame - but I have struggled with both of these (the defensiveness was learned from my mum, she never really fully learned to take responsibilty altho she got a bit better at it in later life). At times I've experienced both reactions over the same issue (been very defensive to others but self-blamed internally).

What has taken me ages to learn, and I have to keep working on it because it's still a head-knowledge not a heart-knowledge at the moment, is that neither reaction is truly taking responsibility for consequences I have caused. When I take responsibility for someone else's stuff I deprive them of the opportunity to grow, if I don't take responsibility it feeds into my self-hatred big time and either way I don't grow. But these are not simple or easy things to untangle, even if the actual issue at hand seems to be straight forward. Untangling the mess often takes far more clarity and insight than we can possibly have when we are fully triggered. So if at all possible when that's where I find myself I will try and hold it for a while (in a mental box if necessary), until my arousal levels come down and I can sort through it more dispassionately.

Can I make a suggestion for the forum please? If you feel like you've "messed up" in some way then please don't assume you definitely have - either post it as a question, or maybe even email the mods and ask them about it. I suspect they wouldn't mind, what do you think @NikNik @CherryBomb ? Then we can respond to your concern and you don't need to tear yourself up unecessarily. We care about you Rick, I promise that if you stomp on an important boundary we'll tell you (gently and clearly) for everyone's sake - including yours. In my bbook that is what friends do. From what I have seen when this has happened on the forum you were extraordinarily gracious about it in your response (and felt incredibly triggered by it too).

I know this is acutely painful learning, but at the moment it's all we've got to learn better ways of relating. I'm pretty sure that, like me, you opt for that refiner's fire rather than staying in the same old emotional straight-jacket we were made to grow up in. So in the midst of turmoil...

hope for change for the better endures (& virtual hugs)

Kindest regards,

Kristin