Hi all,
I'm aware I haven't directly responded to any of the replies I've received. That may have come across as rude or unappreciative; neither is true for me. Sometimes I just don't know what to say.
Part of it is an internal panic at the fear of being misunderstood. It's happened so often, and the consequences have been so chaotic and painful, that I generally don't trust myself to speak any more.
So, please bear with me, if I give it a go. (Or, as I see written on the Internet quite often, "bare with me", which always makes me chortle! It reminds me of that one party I went to when I was ... well, never mind.)
@kristin, well spotted with the source of my name! Did you recognise it, or look it up? 😉 (I prefer to translate it as "solitary", which doesn't have the extra layer of implying that it's by volition that "loner" has in English. It's not actually by choice.)
You said: Having lived with episodic severe depression for 35 years myself, I really understand that feeling of carting an enormous millstone around your neck physically and emotionally every day. And if you've been through that for 20+ years with very little support I'm really sorry, because that is hellish to deal with even when you have support.
Well, that's part of the reason behind my username. I'm keenly aware of the lack in my life, ever in my life, of someone to say "Don't worry, you're okay." And I can't help thinking how differently my life would have been if I'd had someone who did that. It warps your spirit to be in the wrong the whole time; every day is like walking into Room 101. I know I'm tough, and i do acknowledge myself for what I've dealt with. I just think there comes a time when your sinews falter.
Despite all the positive messages in the media about MI (and was I the only one who saw most of the content of the "Mental" week on the ABC a wee while back as mostly lip-service, and people reassuring themselves that they are "good" and "caring"?), I think the average person hasn't a clue how to deal with it. I've recently lost a friend (at least, that's what i thought she was) who told me i was a bad friend to her, and that it was a personal insult, that i didn't alwys manage to be not-depressed when she was around. Despite all our talks, she still held to the belief that it was a choice. (I challenged her to be not-angry about it, and she slapped me.)
What might have been in the past is not now. No, and for me, that's the point. It's not in the now. It's the Path Never Taken. A lot of the things I wanted for my life, in my life, will never happen now, but their shadow remains, and I ache for their loss. I'm aware that my life has been a gradual closing-in of horizons, and I've been left in regret, feeling confined and at a loss. I really don't believe in "hope", which i think is very much a subjective quality anyway.
But Kristin, I really do appreciate your welcome. It was like a cup of Spiced Orange tea. 😉
Ditto to @kato , although your post for me was more like a cup of Chamomile and Spearmint tea. My deep thanks for saying You are not Alone and you are welcomed. That was a warm glow.
@Rick , the Poet, with such embracing words. I think perhaps we see shame as a different thing. I'm not ashamed that I exist, and I'm not ashamed of experiencing depression. To be honest, after what I've been through, I'd be damned concerned if i *didn't* live with consequences. (I know I'm not alone in this, but that doesn't make me feel any better, to be honest.) I do feel shame at many things that have happened, but not all of the shame is about me. I feel shame for my parents, for instance, and shame for having to think of them as damaged and damaging, and shame that I didn't navigate the stormy seas of my life more successfully. I think in the current groupthink shame is seen as akin to fault or blame, and thus is something only losers have, but that's really not it for me. To me, shame is like a rock in the river, that is a product of how the river was formed, and that has to be acknowleged if you don't want to run aground on it. (No, there's something more to it, but I can't see what it is right now; I'll have to think about it.)
@BatGuano , well-spotted to you as well! Yes, it's Moonwatcher, and something akin to your comment is why I chose it as an avatar. It reflects how i feel life is always a learning curve, and our (my) perception of the universe is always shifting. (It also happens to be one of my all-time favourite films!)
To be honest, much of my learning has come in reflection on why the people I've looked to for help have been so poor in their efforts. There are a lot of "therapists" around who aren't worthy of the term.
To be continued ...
