Not sure how to help anymore

[Carlo]

Hi

I'm looking for some reassureance and guidance.

I have been married for many years and my wife often withdrew when she couldn't cope.  Silence, stayed in bed, and just shut us all out.

In the past, she would recover and be very remourseful.  Sometimes over compensate and go overboard to make things good again.

In recent years, she just lashes out at me and blames me for everything that is wrong in her life.  With COVID lockdowns, she has shut me out for months.

I want to help her and feel her pain.  She is hurting.  Staying in bed all day, for weeks at a time, is a sign of how much she's hurting.

How can I help.

She keeps threating to leave, but when I go out to give her space, she calls me constantly and asks me to come back.

I can't cope anymore and my health (including mental health) is getting worse.

[Allyneeds]

Hi Carlo

I'm sure what to say because you, myself and a lot of others are in such difficult situations. You have done a great job being there for someone who needs help but it has started to take a toll on your own mental health.

I can only offer reassurance that you aren't alone and there are also people that feel the same as you do. You have been trying so hard but at the end of the day, you are human and your best is enough. If you can, try having an open conversation with your partner where you tell her how you keep trying to help her but feel like it's not enough. She might take it to heart but she has to know because you are at breaking point.

Please keep with the updates on how you are feeling, there might not always be a right answer but there will be someone to listen.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Carlo ! 

I'm wondering if your wife has any professional support? A trusted GP, a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist, or meds? 

I'm also wondering if you have any professional support to help you through this difficult time when you're not coping?

You can both go to your respective GPs and ask for a Mental Health Care Plan each. This will entitle you to 10 (20 during Covid) subsidised sessions with a psychologist per year. The only thing is that psychologists are so booked up due to Covid that some aren't taking on new patients at the moment, and the ones that are have a waiting list of months to get in. 

(Sorry if you know all this and already have professional support)

Another thing you can do is post your post on the SANE Forums' other section, called "Friends, Family and Carers Forum". Just click on "Forums Home" at the top left of the page and it will take you there (scroll down a little way). They may have some ideas to help. 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply. 

I hope you find the forums helpful. 

[Carlo]

Thank you Allyneeds

Good to hear your views and it helped me.

[Carlo]

Thank you NatureLover

My wife won't seek help.

Her mother seemed to have similar issues.  I'm not sure if that has made her reluctant to seek help or something happened which frightens her?

She won't even see a GP.

I will look to the support groups.  Thanks for pointing them out.

[NatureLover]

@Carlo  I'm very sorry that your wife won't seek help, not even a GP. 😞 

That makes things so much harder for you 😞 and for her too. 

I really hope the Friends, Family and Carers Forum can offer some ideas and support for you. 

[frog]

Hi @Carlo I'm sorry it's so hard. Lockdown really exacerbated existing problems for a lot of people. You are under a lot of pressure.

The fact that your wife won't seek help makes it extremely difficult. It's not possible for one person to be everything for another imo. It does sound like she has some awareness of the impact it's having on you from what you said about overcompensating. Maybe in one of those phases you could reiterate that your health is deteriorating and that there is help out there. Though there is only so much you can do in prompting someone else to seek it.

Are there things that you can do that you enjoy, or take some time out?

Hi @Allyneeds I don't think our paths have crossed. Welcome to the forums.

Hello @NatureLover always good to see you here.

[Carlo]

Thanks Frog

Appreciate your insight and suggestions.

She get's angry if I mention that I'm not coping or it's affecting my health (mental and physical).  It appears that she sees that by raising my feelings, I'm taking away from her.

Dammed either way!

[NatureLover]

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@frog wrote:

Hello @NatureLover always good to see you here.

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@frog  you warm my heart 🙂 Thank you.

[NatureLover]

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@Carlo wrote:

She get's angry if I mention that I'm not coping or it's affecting my health (mental and physical).  It appears that she sees that by raising my feelings, I'm taking away from her.

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@Carlo  Sorry to hear 😞 She seems in a bad way, but your feelings and needs are still valid and important and you are also in a bad way. I'm hoping that you can seek some professional help for yourself at least.