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22-10-2021 11:49 AM
22-10-2021 11:49 AM
I think I am in a relationship where I’m experiencing LBD. I’ve read about it but it’s quite foreign to me.
With my ex, we could never keep our hands off each other. Whenever we got together, day or night, we couldn’t seem to keep it in our pants, so to speak. If in public, we would give each other loving looks, caresses and discreet hand holding. Hence, LBD seemed like it was something that didn’t and wouldn’t exist in my life.
With my current, we’ve only been dating for 2 years and living together for 1, but we don’t seem to have any hots for each other. I’m very bothered by it. I’ve brought it up with my partner many months ago. I told her that we’d only been together barely a year and even then, she doesn’t seem interested. I know she has her desires too, because prior to me, she’s admitted that she does ONS and goes on random dates and takes women home. I wonder if it’s just me. My self esteem has taken a hit. I feel that it is just me.
She initially told me that it’s not me, she’s still very attracted to me. Told me that her high demand work plus her high demand young son just sucks everything out of her. So the first thing to go is sex. Therefore she doesn’t have any desire left. Then a few months down the road, she told me that it’s peri menopause. There is absolutely no desire inside her. She’s only just turned 48. I’ve just turned 37.
I have to say, this LBD thing is quite upsetting. Over the past 4 months, I’ve begun to switch off. I don’t ask her anymore. I don’t do any initiation because of the constant rejections. If I ever feel any urge, I use my vibrator. When she’s watching tv, I lock myself in the room and do it and then go to sleep. She comes in at night none the wiser.
I’ve done everything I can. She just isn’t interested. We get along well, so it can’t be that we don’t like each other. We have a fantastic domestic partnership and the house runs like clockwork. Her 6.5YO is very well taken care of between the two of us and he wants for nothing. We both have work, so it is not the stress of being jobless (something we both experienced over covid lockdowns). I admit that we DO lead very busy lives, but I still have urges. Doesn’t she? I’ve requested she stop walking around naked. She has the tendency to strip outside the bathroom before her showers and then walk out naked to get dressed. At first, it’d make me want to touch her and I can’t coz she wouldn’t let me, so I told her not to do it. Now, I just avert my eyes whenever she does it. I don’t even bring it up with her anymore. It feels like I’m begging and desperate when I do. And I don’t like it.
I curb my urges. I feel very disgruntled. If I was single, at least I can justify why I’m relying on my vibrator, or seek other people (which I’ve never ever done, btw. Just saying I’d be able to). But I’m now attached, I can’t seek someone else to fulfil my desires, and I’m in a forced celibacy.
I don’t know who to talk to. I wonder if it’s normal. Is there anyone in the same boat? Is there anyone who is living a sexless life like me but reluctant to leave because sex is actually not that ‘big’ of a deal compared to the other things in life that we share?
22-10-2021 12:04 PM - edited 22-10-2021 01:07 PM
22-10-2021 12:04 PM - edited 22-10-2021 01:07 PM
Hi @ForcedCelibacy, welcome to the forums community
First I wanted to clarify, both for myself and the community, what you meant by 'LBD'? I think I've figured out that it might be 'lesbian bed death?' Which I'm familiar with but hadn't seen in abbreviated before. I think that might make more sense in context than 'lewy body dementia' which is what came up when I googled LBD 😅
22-10-2021 01:41 PM
22-10-2021 01:41 PM
Assuming I've understood correctly, though- I can hear that's a big change you've found yourself needing to process, especially as it sounds like something like this hasn't happened before.
You reflected on whether your partner can just have genuinely no urges- I think so! Even if things were different in the past, drives for intimacy can vary significiantly (even going right down to zero) in response to things like significant/ongoing stress and hormone changes. It sounds like between her job, son, and perimenopause, this is happening for her- and it could remain like this for a while.
It can be uncomfortable when there isn't an alignment of what you're both wanting and needing, so it can be challenging to come to accept. It sounds like you're doing good things to handle it so far, like by reaching out for support and connection.
Take care,
Girasole 🌻🌈
22-10-2021 05:03 PM
22-10-2021 05:03 PM
Hey @ForcedCelibacy
I don't have a heap of advice and can definitely see how you'd be feeling low with it all.
I guess that (for me) long relationships have their high sex periods and low sex periods. Totally understand you being worried that it dropped off after the first year though. That seems soon.
It's a tricky situation - it's so great when you find someone that you just work really well with and I get not wanting to give that up.
After a sex gap (whether due to stress or MH) I get increasingly anxious about having sex again and try to step back into the physical side (and build my confidence) through some things like massage or showering together - like with no sex expected. Just being physically close again. I'm not sure if that's helpful to you because it sounds like you keep trying to reach out to your partner.
im sorry I wasn't more help
(context - I'm in a long term 12+ years lesbian relationship. I also have bipolar - not sure if that's relevant here)
Hope things get brighter for you 🌸
22-10-2021 07:32 PM
22-10-2021 07:32 PM
@ArtistZ showering together is a wonderful idea but it's something we've tried once in our whole relationship and it didn't work. The kid was banging on the door, FOMO I guess. And it wasn't enjoyable at all. Couldn't exactly take our time when we are trying to be quick and get out so he'd stop banging.
We've tried sharing a bath maybe 3 times in our first year and it was quite a bit of a squeeze in the tub though I enjoyed the intimacy of the chat and scrubbing each other's backs. (again, no sex but that's okay). I've tried asking if she wanted to share a bath about 2 more times maybe early this year, and got rejected both times, so I've stopped asking.
It does seem a bit soon to me, that's why it's bothering me so much. I keep asking and reaching out and keep getting rejections, I've decided to now stop. Haven't tried asking since July I think. We last had a convo about it back in July when she promised 'yes yes let's schedule it in. Yes yes every Saturday sounds good.' And then it never eventuated. I then said that it was an empty promise and she just shrugged it off. I've actually given up. I now just do 'self-service' and have totally switched off the sexual attraction part. I now don't get turned on by looking at my partner and I don't imagine anything with her. I just get urges when I'm ovulating and I deal with it on my own.
22-10-2021 08:11 PM
22-10-2021 08:11 PM
That all makes sense - sounds really lonely though 😕 do you think there's any chance at all that she'll ever bring it up?
I had a long relationship (before this one) that died sexually about three years in (lasted for seven). The sex part was a symptom of the relationship though - it was horribly unhealthy, controlling and abusive so the sex stopped for all those reasons (which doesn't sound like your situation at all thank goodness).
I guess it also depends on how important sex is to you both in a relationship as to whether it's a good one for you?
hope I haven't overstepped at all
22-10-2021 10:34 PM
22-10-2021 10:34 PM
No overstepping at all! Glad to get some perspective. I'm not sure if she'll ever initiate, it's awfully busy times now and she's exhausted by the end of every day. Her son is not exactly easy and compliant either. I wouldn't even broach the sexual part of our relationship with her anymore. Too sore a point for me! I'm just pushing for some 'us' time, rather than always a threesome 'we' time every single day.
22-10-2021 11:01 PM
22-10-2021 11:01 PM
23-10-2021 07:05 AM
23-10-2021 07:05 AM
Hi and welcome, @ForcedCelibacy , it's good to have you here.
I don't know anything about Lesbian Bed Death, but to me it sounds normal for her age. You said she's 48... Well, my libido started declining at age 40 and by 48 it was rare. I'm now 50 and it hardly exists any more. Even though I would like it to still be there, I can hardly ever find it, and when I do it's so slight it might as well not be there. (I'm female)
I hope that helps.
23-10-2021 10:21 AM
23-10-2021 10:21 AM
Feel better soon!
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Supporting and promoting the well-being of mental health carers and their families.
Mental Health Carers Austalia.
Our Mission
To be the voice of mental health carers to enable the best life possible.
Get In Touch With Us
We're here to support and promote the well-being of mental health carers and their families
Mental Health Carers Australia is the only national advocacy group solely concerned with the well-being and promotion of the needs of mental health carers.
Supporting and promoting the well-being of mental health carers and their families.
Mental Health Carers Austalia.
Our Mission
To be the voice of mental health carers to enable the best life possible.
Get In Touch With Us
We're here to support and promote the well-being of mental health carers and their families
Mental Health Carers Australia is the only national advocacy group solely concerned with the well-being and promotion of the needs of mental health carers.