Feeling isolated with alcoholic husband

[Former-Member]

After many years of my husband struggling with substance abuse, depression and anxiety, I have finally decided to take some objective steps to look after myself. It's scary as it means not trying to fix things but I think I now see my attempts to help have been in vain and at times made things worse. I can't talk with friends out of respect for him and no one at work would know what I'm carrying. It's exhausting and stressful checking if he's still breathing while he's 'resting'. I've run home many times during a bad patch terrified it'll be the last time. Its hard not to wonder how i could have or could now get him to seek and stick with the help he's found in the past. Every now and then he tries to get appointments but everyone is booked out for many months. He won't let me help. I know it's up to him but it's heartbreaking to see such a good man suffer so much. I'm not sure but I just thought it might help to write this down where at least someone who understands might relate. It's such a strange thing to get so good at faking it to friends and family that I almost feel like I'm loosing my own mind. If anyone has advice I would welcome it. Thank you 

[SJT63]

@Former-Member 

yes that is the hardest part - acting normal around everyone else is exhausting. I have two lives. The me who leaves the house and goes to work and talks to people, and the me who endures my time at home.

I have no advice to give because I won't take advice myself. I stay.

You are not alone.

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi @Former-Member 

I am so sorry your feeling alone and cant talk to those close to you.  I know you think you should keep it a secret but do you think thats helping your husband or yourself?  

Dealing with mental illness should not be a shameful thing where you hide and try to forget it until it goes away.  It will not go away and from experience the more you talk about it the more help you can get for both you and your husband.  

In regards to looking after yourself first is a GREAT idea!  I've always been told that they will never change until you change.  You need to change how you think and deal with issues.  Mine was how to talk back to my father without agitating him.  I know now not to tell him to stop or dont do it, I allow him to think if it is a good idea or not.  This is after I've had long communication sessions with him asking him how he would like me to ask questions and answers questions.  It is not easy and it has taken a long time for me to get to this.  But the first step WAS TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

I allowed myself to be selfish.  (I mean me first).  The way I had to see it was my father chose to be like that and so I choose to not be his saviour.  I dont have to be the one that cleans up after him.  I dont need to protect him.  After thinking that way I found it was easier for him to realise that it is not Ok to be the way he was and that lead him to be open for communication and then open for help.  Acknowledgement of problem will come later but acceptance will start once they know it will help them.  

Why dont you start going to the gym or some support group or even go for music lessons.  Just get out and do something for you.  You might be surprise but you will meet new people that can be that friend who noone knows that you can talk to about your situation.  

I hope this helps.  Be kind to yourself 

[Alicat]

Hi @Former-Member 

I grew up with a alcoholic mother then I turned to alcohol and having adult relationships with alcoholic men.

Mum has been sober now for 24yrs and myself for 12yrs.

Sadly no one else could get me sober but myself and a 12 step program.

I strongly suggest going to Al-anon for family and friends of alcoholics you'll find connection, understanding and ways to help you get back your freedom from your alcoholic.

Many blessings 🙏

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Former-Member ,

I am curious as to your comment that you won't talk to friends or family out of respect for him? Is there not a way you could talk about these issues and not be disrespectful when you do it?

[Former-Member]

Thank you for your support. Best wishes for your difficult situation also. 

[Former-Member]

Thank you for your support and advice. A few family now know which is helpful however I think you are right that people more removed from our situation would be good. I don't want him to be judged and affected by other's misunderstanding of the illness an alcoholic suffers. All the best 

[Former-Member]

Thank you for sharing your story and encouragement also. I have finally decided part of the acceptance of the reality is to try the support group. Thank you and all the best for you too.  

[Former-Member]

Hello, yes I have been able to talk respectfully about it to a few immediate family who understand but I suppose I meant that I don't want our friends and others to know as it's his choice to share and he's asked me not too, so out of respect I don't. I wonder though if this is helpful or not. 

[Alicat]

@Former-Member @SJT63 

Sending you both love and strength 🙏

Alcoholism doesn’t just affect the alcoholic it takes prisoners and destroys livelihoods, families, trust and foundations built.

Question you don’t need to reply to...

Have you heard or been to a meeting of al-anon?

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋