Daughter with BPD

[Dominique21]

Hi,

We have a  22 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. She is very 'flighty' and is avoiding help/treatment. What can we do as parents? It has been very hard on the family to watch her mental health deteriorate. Anyone with similar experience, we would love to hear from you.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Dominique21,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you here with us.

Whilst I don't have much experience around BPD I am a support carer for a family member who has Bipolar so I have some understanding around how you may be feeling. When my family member was first diagnosed I was confused/unsure around how best I could help. I also didn't really understand Bipolar at the time so I did a lot of research, watch videos, etc so I had a better understanding of what Bipolar was, what my family member may be going through, and how I could potentially help.

I will copy a couple of links here which may be able to offer you some help: 

- BPD information 

- BPD Awareness Week Chat 

- Information for families and carers 

As someone that has watched a loved one's mental health deteriorate I empathise and understand with what you are going through. I also know that with the right professional help and treatment things can really improve and things can get a lot better for your daughter. My family member was diagnosed about 20 years ago and is doing well.

I would also encourage you both to get support as being a carer (in any capacity) can be a lonely and exhausting place. Carers need to be cared for too.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

PS. Just a couple of tips to help you navigate the Forums a little easier:

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[Former-Member]

hey @Dominique21, it sounds like you're really wanting to help your daughter recover from her BPD, but feeling understandably lost ❤️ 

I'll tag a few members here to see what support they can offer you ❤️ @Determined and @Shaz51 both have kids you've been supporting over time (If I remember correctly!)

I thoughts I would also share some resources from ReachOut. They're a youth mental health org with some great info for parents including infosheets and ways to develop skills.

I hope they're useful for you ❤️ 

[Shaz51]

Hello and welcome @Dominique21 

Thanks for the tag @Former-Member 

@Determined has a wife and son with BPD 

And also @BPDSurvivor maybe helpful 

We have a thread called Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script for you to click onto 

I will tag you there too if you like xx 

[BPDSurvivor]

In terms of being a carer for someone with BPD, I can’t offer much insight @Dominique21 

But I can offer insight from a diagnosed 22 year old. She is hurting. She is emotionally tortured. She wants relationships but is too afraid she will get hurt.

Love from you is in the form of telling me that you care and you want what’s best for me but ultimately it’s my choice. Love is giving me space to find myself. Love is setting boundaries and sticking to them because boundaries help me feel safe. Love is telling me you will do something at a certain time, and you keep to your word. Love is not getting angry or disgusted when I self harm. Love is giving me choice and options, not taking this away from me.

Love is to be there for me, and sending me a text message so I know you haven’t given up on me.

Love is when you do not try to reason with me when I am triggered or overwhelmed.

Love is when you stay strong for my sake.

- From a 22 year old survivor’s point of view, BPDSurvivor

[Dominique21]

Thank you for everything you wrote. It is true.

[BPDSurvivor]

If Spectrum holds any BPD sessions for family and carers, I’ll tag you in. They run these sessions online once in a while and you register through eventbrite @Dominique21 I’ll check this out for you now

another option is reading the Australian BPD foundation newsletter and see what is available in your area.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Dominique21 ,

 I’m not in my computer so it’s difficult for me to look carefully, but here’s the link to BPD supports from Spectrum.

https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/resources-and-support/for-carers

This resource I do recommend because I accessed my treatment through them.

 All the best. I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.

[EternalFlower]

Hi there @Dominique21 

I dont have bpd, I have cPTSD but the symptoms can be similar.

When I was younger my parents decided I had bpd and would read books about it and try and get me that dx.

I think they just wanted to put their problems on me.

When you say ur daughter is flighty I relate to that. I probably would've appreciated someone to help me stop being that way. Maybe if U can do things together, like if she's bit uncomfortable doing the whole book appointments remember date and show up, if U can take her there or help her make it easier. It could just be that she has too much pain in her and is trying to survive. I wouldn't see her flightiness as that she doesn't care or doesn't want to get better.

If you could hold some space for her I hope she will get better 

[Jessicaa11]

Hi Dominique,

I am a 24 year old female who has BPD. I’m a little older than your daughter and I have been a mother since I was 20 years old so that may change things too.

I am not a carer but having a child and being parentified from a young age, I have cared for others from as young as 5. My daughter is my saving grace I will do anything for her, I know it’s the same for you. I want to empathise with you on your experiences with having a daughter with BPD. Please let yourself grieve any negative experience you’ve had that’s left you questioning your worth. Your character. Your choices. Hold space for her in the moments she has lost control, know it’s not personal, believe it’s triggered from a past trauma and until it’s discovered you will never know and neither will she unfortunately. But please don’t ever bend your boundaries, your sanity, your values just to soothe a situation. The mother in me wants to soothe and soothe after i’ve split on my partner. The adult in me will give him the space he deserves after a high tense altercation and go do something productive. The best thing you can give your daughter is love without conditions. I am a product of love with conditions and that has only brought my adult years misery that I will need to grieve through  in therapy. My parents have always denied there being something wrong with me, even though i’ve always felt it. When i’ve tried to be assertive and say this is a literal diagnoses i was given, it was meant with backlash because they couldn’t swallow their pride and guilt over whatever happened during my upbringing. The thing is blame blame blame. Who’s to say it’s your fault this developed? who’s to say it’s her fault? Fault is stupid. It doesn’t matter who’s to blame. It matters who’s there to support this individual to leading a more healthy, productive life and getting them to develop that independence they desperately want to have. That normal life not plagued by emotional woes say in and day out. The emotional pain borderlines feel in their body and in their mind - fighting intrusive thoughts of rejections/abuse/ trauma whatever it is they’ve experienced - it’s so taxing on the body and soul. In these moments after an episode of splitting or high anxiousness or hyperactivity, depression will follow. These are the moments your daughter may try to push you away because she feels she deserves no love. These are the moments she will need your reassurance more than on a usual day. Most pwbpd are aware to some extent or can work on developing this awareness but usually we know deep down when we’ve done something really malicious and hurtful to you. We feel it through our high emotionality and it manifests in sensory sensations in the body, we can’t respond in the heat of the moment because we’re choked up with the guilt and shame, anxiety or pain. When things get more emotionally heated our minds switch off and say nope i'm done and will act on impulse to be destructive which is splitting. I’m sure you may have experienced this extreme devaluation and idealisation from your daughter at some point (it would’ve left you completely bewildered to what just occurred and how did it even happen??) and I have some idea on how much it hurts you (I have a partner of 5 years, we’ve been riding this uphill battle for the longest time) What’s helped me is have him keep encouraging me to go to therapy he encourages me like it’s the most exciting beneficial thing i could ever do and i feed on that excitement and feel accomplished afterward, he sets aside some time where i can talk about my feelings. Not the surface level “i’m fine” but the downright ugly “i don’t like myself right now i just really want to do something wreckless” and we sit there and figure out why i don’t like myself, when it gets too much for me to talk about it with him i go on my own to figure it out and he gives me a space or asks me if i’ve had any epiphanies lately. It’s hard on my partner to watch every day, we made such a beautiful daughter. I am not a dumb little girl like my BPD makes me believe, I’m a strong and capable woman full of potential. I just need the right supports and the right circle around me pushing that support. Only for a little while. I know i’ve got the strength somewhere to do it on my own. It’s the getting there and committing to therapy for a few months is hard. It’s daunting to know I will have to do this for years for the change to actually show drastically. My mind will never not believe i’m a burden to my partner and the world until I teach myself again and again through practice that that is a lie. I’m still discovering who I am, your daughter is even younger so so is she. The shifting self image and identity disturbance is a big issue for me. Hobbies, interesting, distractions, sports - something to tether an identity to your daughter will give her security too. My identity tethers are motherhood and I’m a manager so work. I’m flighty with therapy too btw, there is a lot of fear in talking to a psych. I don’t know this person, I don’t trust this person, will this person rest me badly somehow or betray me? but she’s gotta push through the what ifs. This disorder is so destructive she needs to understand how exactly it can affect not only her but your family dynamic too.

Highly reccommend Dr Daniel Fox BPD Videos

Dr Ramani BPD videos