i know i love him, i post this not to ask if im wrong, right stubborn pr mean, i post this for it being hard & i feel its going to be understood he

[REDLINEZ750]

when i moved countries at 13 it was my choice and i made it for a lie  disguised as a promise.

ii didnt know adults lied , i had a good family and didnt know that either

 iWhen mum said ' ino you cant have it' i   heard your not loved.  not 'id really love you to have it son im sorry i have no money'..

So i didnt think much at all when promised my first brand new BMX.

I was so happy to hear yes you can have it i agreed to move overseas and live with this man i had never known till few days ago,  He was my biological father, never called him dad.

only knew him by his first name, this choice i made out of spite and it ended up staying.

Didnt take long till i learned what being in a  place where no person,  street/object or anything 

was familiar felt like.

 i only existed by name not bond and was having all these people tell me they were family.

Telling them i have a family and your not it was not because im difficult or unruly id say i was angry f[f being  laughed at when i bought up my BMX i was learning to say nothing and i didnt get to renege like he did when i decided i wanted to go home.

I would talk to mum on phone and soon stopped giving her feedback when she would tell me its what i chose. Next choice i made was make them send me back regardless of if i got hit harder or more often so thats where i learned to be alone and not attach to anyone by i5 i learned only trust given is broken and  people  omly hurt or betray you as many times they are given.

I learned to cut anyone off and  mot get  stung twice by xame person and it  became an ingrained hardline blanket for all. its how i survived, and drugs but thing is then i had kids.

kids grew into adults, kids werent under that blanket  and i got used  to  thier shit anyway then i was left with anxiety disorder psd stuff after a thing and when they see me brokeb they dont support they verbally attack which i cant get through like used to and the reaction is picked up ang they back off 

one doesnt and he hurts me, im told to stay away from him and his family he doesnt want my grandson knowing me and means it, he says this while im living in a shed with no water and only a lightswitch from a breakup  because of my anxious moods  and i broke on top of the trauma and it stayed until i radically accepted it hurt too much. mum said mmaybe they see me like i saw my dad and i lost myself to bitter resentments that i had to stop feeling. my son was now treated like an outsider his attempt to be nice on friday coz it was my birthday has pissed me off not made me haooy. i had this all written out saturday and lost half of it somehow and cant be bothered writing it all out again i just curious if others see my self defence mechanism as self sabotage coz you dont hurt people you love. annoy the shit out of them sure but dont kick them when they down & defenceless

[REDLINEZ750]

for the record hes am adu;t & i told myself in a world where everything to know is at your fingertips my roke as a grandfather is exempt and all i can teach my grandkids is suffering the pain of loss when i die if i let them love me.

since the kids mum passed i understand that she has done no wrong and every bad memory they have growing up is me and im empathetic to it & she was beautiful she put up with me near 20years but a line was crossed and im not wired to saying to myself its ok just let it be seen  by others im soft and start preparing for the next time he steps even closer to a hiding because i demonstrated its ok to go to far if want predict future look at past he just going come harder next time and using my love as a pawn is further by a mile than anyone has ever got in the last 50 plus years

[REDLINEZ750]

30 plus years 😖 farout! sorry im shuttin it now

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @REDLINEZ750 .

It's a lot with some very big feels.

We're here for you.

[Sugarshack]

I want to reply in full but I know and reckon my post will get deleted.

So I believe that any time there is anger, yelling, blame etc then there IS love but the love is tangled up somehow and turns into uncomfortable "under expressions" or "over expressions" of love/conflict especially between family members when there is complicated history.

In my heart I love my family but we can't talk for longer than 10 minutes or the arguing begins, and it is painful, but it is what it is. I try to text my sincere thoughts and feelings to the family so they know that I am thinking of them even if our conversations are strained.

[REDLINEZ750]

@tyne@sugarshack coz it took me to lonf to write it didnt post went to bottom of profile page but cut in half, next half was more relevant to recent times and coz i never post or share myself l get lost in trying explain context through fear of being misunderstood or cold as im not i just defensive and have a different lens i spose, we all do around  areas growing up was a different fight than most .

i tried putting it back but rushed not wanting lose it again hit post thought no i missed the 30yrs, rest is seen i felt foolish and stayed off here since & that is actually a tell  how much these pages  are respected by me.

i only fear rejection where i want to belong