Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CarersHelpline]

@Eagle. Yes, As @NikNik pointed out, setting boundaries is so important for both the carers and their loved ones. Some of the carers tonight have mentioned getting support for themselves to help them do this.
Would anyone else have any ideas of what has helped in similar situations?

[SadMum]

@CarersHelpline - thank you for acknowledging that it is a forward step I am making.

@NikNik - my biggest mistakes have been not maintaining the boundaries I set but I have (only this week) stopped beating myself up about that because I did that for self preservation. Imagine the worst two year old tantrum you can, times that by at least 1000 and coming from a man's body and you have my son in full flight when faced with not getting what he wants. Property damage, abusive language, intimidation all thrown in for good measure!

@Cazzie - yes I have been seeing a psychologist for a number of years to help deal with "my stuff" which has mostly ended up with me talking about how I deal with "his stuff". But as you say, it is wonderful just to be able to vent with someone objective and I have learned some positive strategies along the way.

[Cazzie]

Boundaries?  I know what they are in general and I know how to set them for my children and grandchildren but I'm not sure what you're meaning in this context.

I have a sewing studio and my husband doesn't come into it without asking me if it's okay.  It's not a rule I set down but it seems to be something he feels he needs to do.  I should add that it's something I really appreciate him doing.

[CarersHelpline]

@SadMum - its really important not to beat ourselves up whenever we fail to maintain boundaries we have set. Its really hard. We need to focus on the successes.

[Rover]

I have had to take two weeks sick leave from work because I knew I had reached my limit. I talk to my GP and have seen a counsellor but they all keep saying 'you are doing the right thing' and that 'you have to be strong'. I know this but noone tells me how to be strong.

[NikNik]

Good question @Cazzie

Boundaries are different for everyone, but I think the overarching definition is 'what am I going to put in place to look after myself in this situation'

An example might be that when you feel like things are getting a bit too much for you, you make an effort to go to your sewing studio.
For others it might be more extreme & be about personal safety, which could be 'when I'm threatened with violence, I will call the police'

Does that clarify it a bit?

Maybe someone has another example of their own boundaries?

[Cazzie]

@Eagle taking care of myself is the important first step in being able to take care of my husband.

It doesn't help either of us if I fall apart because I haven't looked after my own health.  It's taken a long 12 years for me to understand that not talking about his problems with others is not looking after myself.  In fact it's reaching the point where I could probably clinically be diagnosed as depressed myself.  I've never beena depressive person but when you live with it, it can drag you down to its level.

Understand me, I'm not talking about being "dragged down to my husband's level" I'm talking about being dragged down to depression's level.  Depression is the black dog that would like to bite us all on the backside and I believe that that's one thing that none of us should ever forget.

[CarersHelpline]

@Cazzie- Formally, personal Boundaries are emotional and physical limits we set for yourself to separate ourselves from people, relationships and other aspects of the outside world.

In your example, the sewing studio could be one of your personal boundaries. In context of mental health, we are talking about somethings similar like the things that are important to you such as your private or emotional space.

[SadMum]

@Rover 

Yes...just how?

A good counsellor/psychologist may suggest strategies or lead you to find your own. At least that's been my experience.

[Cazzie]

Thanks Nik Nik. That helps a lot.
I tend to think of boundaries in terms of keeping people out or in line (what the grandies can and can't do at my home for example).
I wasn't thinking in terms of placing them on myself. When things get too much for me I do a retreat - sometimes physically to my sewing studio and sometimes just in my head by picking up a book or logging onto the internet and catching up with friends on FB.