where is my mind

[Former-Member]

no memories childhood amnesia abuse cellar dark rooms death drugs golden shot bullies waste land ruins war death corpses well shrapnel glass nature poison mines destruction river floods homeless refugees closed borders pain sand bags guns soldiers child grandchild lost numb death discrimination loss

CONFUSION

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

You have written lots of horrible things there, it seems like you are quite overwhelmed with those traumatic things, which sounds incredibly tough. What are you doing with your day today? Hope you are lookign after yourself

Lunar

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Confusing myself? I'm really good at that.

I was wondering yesterday why there is a World Suicide Day, I missed the Prevention bit. Don't worry, I'm safe, just over it.

[Former-Member]

My head is like bubble and squeak, they took my trauma and mashed it into the remainder of my brain 😂

[Former-Member]

I feel like such a burden 😕
What happened to me? Why can I get so confused? I feel like something takes over my brain and I don't know how to stop. It's like I'm trying to swim and I just hopelessly splash around and then when I feel better, I think what he f* have I done now!? Why can't I just swim in the lane, but doggy paddle in all different directions and mainly in a circle? I get so impulsive and irrational, i just don't know who I am. I'm not talking SH just general actions and I have to clean up the mess.

I hate being confused and I hate so much that I have lost the direction in my life 😕

[Former-Member]

I've felt similarly at times about seeming to just flounder in one spot or only just keep paddling around the same circle of rubbishy stuff @Former-Member - its not fun and it's exhausting in and of itself, not just the rubbish that we're going around...
I wish i had some answers or a directon for you to take that would just 'work'! I do get what my psychologist has kept on saying about learning self care strategies and things, which help and alleviate... but im also looking for more from life.
Here with you

[Appleblossom]

I have often felt my mind spinning and out of control or out of reach. 

It does not happen as often and it took a while of being in a calm home and learning the feeling of being safe, for it to start to settle.

It sounds as if you have a lot of trauma to process. I hope you have good people and a safe haven.

[Former-Member]

The scars of my early childhood, childhood, teenage years and young adult years have left trauma in me that I cannot describe. I tell people I love them, I hug people because it makes me feel real. I've learnt how to adapt to society, but I don't feel real. I don't feel like I am really here.

[Former-Member]

I have read somewhere today that we give trauma energy to retraumatised us - or something like that - if we remember it. But how do you forget!?

On the night of my 17th birthday my dad, brother and granddad went to pick up my uncle from the border, to get him out of the war zone. I think my grandma must have been in hospital as she wasn't there, or perhaps my granddad just came to pick up my uncle.

I had a friend with me at home. My mum got delivered a video tape from the war zone. She watched it and I don't know what she did then. I watched it with my friend. I saw the roads I used to walk, the houses I used to stay at and I saw a lot of dead people and amongst the waxern looking faces of the dead, I saw familiar faces. It felt surreal until I saw the dead, until I saw my family, until I saw my granddad lifting his hand as if he wanted to greet someone and then he collapsed outside a building. It was the day my other uncle died.

How can you forget things that scar you for life?