struggling eating disorder

[mumstruggling]

I'm struggling. Really not OK. I know I need to see my doctor. But I can't bring myself to go. I'm finding it all so hard. A year ago I started a normal diet. Did really well on it and have reached a healthy weight. But the last 4 months its turned into a living hell. I'm locked in this horrible cycle. Terrified of gaining weight. I know I should just eat but its so hard to let go.<br>I'm a mum and I've turned into a really pathetic one. I've lost it I think. I'm depressed. I'm irritable. I'm just in a bad place. Have tried reaching out but the answers always the same. .. See your doctor. <br>I dunno why I'm posting this but I am.

[BlueBells]

Hi there MumStruggling 🙂 I'm new to Sane, so I know nothing about this site.

However, the one I come from, I found it so helpful to just be able to talk, especially when we find someone who is in the same situation.

Being a mum is always difficult, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Hugs 🙂

[CherryBomb]

Hi @mumstruggling

It's great that you're reaching out - better than dealing with this on your own and having those thoughts swarm around your head. 

From what you've written it seems like you're torn - on one hand, you know you should go to the doctor, on the end, there's something that's stopping you. Can you tell us more about it? As @BlueBells has mentioned, sometime it can help being able to talk. 

Often when people are drawn back into their ED, something has triggered it. It's common for people to relapse. It doesn't mean that you've failed. It's might indicate that there's something going on in your cirumstances (e.g., some type of stress).

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Remember that having an eating disorder is an illness - it doesn't make you a bad person. 

I wonder if @Pulch might add something here. They've written about struggling with their ED here.

CB

[EDV]

Morning @mumstruggling, 

How amazing you are writing so honestly about your feelings and thoughts right now. It can be so hard to say these things out loud, or even write them for others to see. I am so proud of you for that. 

May I ask what your thoughts are about seeing your doctor? Are you feeling like you may not be heard? We have a database that contains contact details of doctors with eating disorder experience, sometimes having a doctor that understands eating disorders can make the process much easier. 

Four months enduring a difficult cycle is a really long time, I really hope that you can continue to reach out for support.

Please be kind to yourself, it is so easy to say negative things about ourselves and we all have a tendency to do this, but please try to notice positive things that you do which you can be proud of. One of them is posting on this forum.

I would like to share with you a quote from a movie with Matt Damon in it where he says this, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." It may be a little more than 20 seconds of bravey to speak with a doctor but hopefully it can lead to something great. 

Amanda 

[Former-Member]

---

@mumstruggling wrote:
I'm struggling. Really not OK. I know I need to see my doctor. But I can't bring myself to go. I'm finding it all so hard. I know I should just eat but its so hard to let go.. I'm depressed. I'm irritable. I'm just in a bad place. Have tried reaching out but the answers always the same. .. See your doctor. <br>I dunno why I'm posting this but I am.

---

I am hearing you dear @mumstruggling. You know you need to see a doctor but also do really need to talk to somebody about what you are going through and I am so glad you reached out here to do so. 

I have had trouble eating in the past and had to force feed myself for awhile. This was due to high anxiety from being in a highly stressful/traumatic situation together with the added complication of hormone imbalance. It was the constant high-anxiety/distress that was stopping me from eating. Does this resonate with you at all?

You stated that you were on a healthy diet for quite awhile and reached a healthy weight - but then everything went to hell 4 months ago. May I ask if anything happened that triggered you 4 months ago? Or have you been under a lot of unrelenting stress for awhile prior that could of started to take its toll at that time producing high anxiety in you? Are you feeling that way?

Please feel free to speak about this if you wish; expressing how you feeling or any stresses you feel are overwhelming you - as we here to listen and support you anyway we can. Sending you warm hugs xx

[mumstruggling]

Hi thank you. So much. I can't get over the responses I've had to my post. It makes me feel heard. I tried last night to talk to two friends and was ignored by one and brushed off by the other so to have people respond here means a lot.

[mumstruggling]

I'm not sure what has triggered me. There's plenty of life stressors I guess. My divorce is now able to go ahead, my brother has an inoperable brain tumour but we have known about that for over a year. But I also have a long history with depression that cycles.
I have been having such a great year until January then I started to get irritable and now I think depression is now back. ....no I don't think I know.
I think I was scared to talk to my doctor about my eating because it meant. That I would have to change the behaviour. And I felt like a idiot turning up complaining about my restricting when I was still at a normal weight? You know that whole "I'm not sick enough " mindset.
But since yesterday I've made a few changes. Because I was really getting into a bad place and wanted to fight it. So I've made some steps deleted my calorie counter and made myself eat normal meals today. And kinda just switched my mind off. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but so far so good today.

[EDV]

Hi @mumstruggling ... as everyone has said, well done in reaching out and speaking openly and honestly about what is going on for you. That can be really tough and take a lot of courage. That is a common feeling; once we admit there is an issue it kind of means we are forced to face it, which can be scary, but it also means that you are on step closer to this not being a problem for you anymore. Also common is the 'not sick enough' mentality, which is just not true. Many many people who suffer with these issues are of normal weight or overweight and that does not mean they suffer any less than people who are underweight. One of my favourite quotes is: "eating disorders come in one size: miserable". It is so great that you have empowered yourself and were strong enough to fight it yesterday and today. It took strength and courage to delete the calorie counter and increase your intake so well done. You can always contact us here at EDV, Monday-Friday between 9am-5pm on 1300 550 236 or email help@eatingdisorders.org.au if you would like any extra information or support. Best of luck with everything. Ashleigh.

[mumstruggling]

Thank you Amanda. I will need to use that 20 seconds of bravery. Now that I've taken a few small steps maybe the bravery will come easier to me. I definitely was worried I wouldn't be heard but more afraid of making a change. Yesterday I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn't change. So I acted on impulse and took the leap to make some steps to stop my disordered eating. I don't know why but the nasty voice that was guiding me into the disorder is quiet today. I guess deep down that's because that voice was mine. Thanks for your support and for caring enough to answer.

[mumstruggling]

I'm not sure my replies are going to each individual. But @Former-Member thank you. I'm not sure what has triggered all this. I do wonder if its just part of a cycle I go through. I have been on this journey many times over the years again and again.