just when you think you have escaped... everything catches up with you again

[Lostandalone]

AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

let me apologise in advance if this post is a little all over the place... my mind is racing and and I just have to get it all out somehow

I just want to scream and shout and cry and everything else that goes with it.  

Life had been chugging along okish...more downs than ups,  but I was still putting one foot in front of the other.... and all of a sudden the black cloud becomes all consuming again... my heart beats out of my chest... my mind goes into hyperdrive...... I just want to curl up and cry and scream... but I cry for about a minute and then I cannot cry anymore....... I want to be left alone but I want to be comforted and not feel totally isolated anymore... I feel like everything I do I $%^&* up.... my life is just one big $%^&* up after another... i get on a good thing then I take one step too far and I destroy it ( I may not really but I feel like I do)... I hate making mistakes.... but once I make one mistake more follow like an avalanche.....  I want to talk but I don't know exactly what I want to say and I dont want to burden anyone... and what could they do anyway... I have tried psychologists... but feel like I get nowhere so put on a great act to pretend I am ok just to end it all...

I want to go to sleep .... at least when I am in a deep sleep I know I am safe... i have no thoughts... I cannot do anything stupid.... but getting there is a struggle... and then it doesn't last long and I have to wake up again and face another awful day...

I am pretty sure as a 51 year old perimenopausal women alot of this is hormonal... i can see and feel the cycles...  but so far any medical person I have mentioned that too just look at me like I have 2 heads...  I hate doctors ( having been a nurse for over 30 years and now a medical receptionist I see enough doctors)  so I only see one if I am absolutely dying and i dont consider this dying, yet....and what would a GP do anyway... put my on another pill that will do nothing....

this isnt making sense... so I will sign off for now and try to come back later

[NatureLover]

Hi @Lostandalone , so sorry about the black cloud descending 😞

I know for me, my psychologist has been life-changing and healing. Maybe you just haven't found a good one that you click with?

Good luck with your sleep... 🤞

[Appleblossom]

@Lostandalone 

You got it out and vented, and it did actually make sense to me.

Good to get to know more about you.

Dealing with big contradictions like working in the field, but not feeling it is sufficiently trustworthy to help would send my mind round in very fast circles too.

Take care of you.