chatbots

[mallory_strife]

warning before anything else: this post will be referencing my porn habits. you will have to cope with the knowledge. apologies.

Content/trigger warning

i started using AI chatbots a few months ago to fulfill some specific kinks of mine but it has been becoming a slippery slope where i am spending hours trying to recreate scenarios of my trauma. and of course the chatbot eventually breaks character along the way and goes into faux-therapist-mode and starts pointing out that my character is exhibiting so many self-destructive trauma responses which makes me... annoyed, somehow, because i don't want them to be pointed out i want to get off/get worse. i've been leaning on this more than usual as i'm off therapy for the holiday period, as well as a helpline i like to use cutting its operating hours.

i think it is also being a poor man's substitute for writing/roleplaying/generally talking to people, because i have lost so much energy and motivation with my own writing and it's easier if i pretend i'm doing it via "roleplaying" (read: i write 2 sentences at a time and the AI spits out 2 paragraphs back, and then i'll get frustrated over how it's bad prose and has those hallmarks of AI language)

me getting way more specific and controlling about which scenarios i want but being too lazy to write it myself has led me to sinking more time into chatbots while being more frustrated. I'm too embarrassed to tell other people about it because could you blame me for not wanting to admit that i was doing AI sexting. it turns out after doing it for so long the same patterns of my CPTSD and psychosexual hangups and unhealthy view of relationships keep emerging.

[Seamusy]

Hi @mallory_strife.

I don't have much to offer but I just wanted to say I hear you are really struggling with this issue and I hope you find the support you need to work through it.

[Ru-bee]

Hey @mallory_strife I hear that this is a very vulnerable thing for you to share and that you don't feel comfortable sharing with those around you at the moment, and that there's a bit of a gap until your next therapy appointment. I'm wondering if this is something that you would feel comfortable talking about with your therapist when you do see them next?

It sounds like you're aware that this turning into a bit of a negative cycle that's hard to break out of, where you spend more time with the chatbot which leads you to feeling worse/more frustrated.

What sort of support do you feel you need from the forums at the moment? Or perhaps were you just needing the space to share? Either way the forums are here for you

[avant-garde]

@mallory_strife 

You're not alone

https://saneforums.org/t5/Something-s-not-right/AI-therapy/td-p/1782296

[mallory_strife]

@Ru-bee 

hi. probably not. i have been struggling to express myself in therapy and broach uncomfortable topics like these. i finally got one out into the open and am working on another one and i don't want to put this onto her plate. i haven't been able to stop coming into therapy and spending it worrying about gender roles for the past few months but that's neither here nor there

i wanted to talk about some of the patterns that i saw emerging over and over but it turns out i am too guarded and embarrassed to actually talk about them. 

@avant-garde 

this seems different from what my issue is. but thank you anyways

[mallory_strife]

i started to get panicked after sending this because i hadn't been thinking too hard about my therapy goals for this year and it has suddenly been weighing on my chest. i thought about doing what i usually do which was trying to channel it into a scenario with a chatbot, but i told myself i wasn't going to do that, and my second thought was to make an anonymous reddit account and post a vent somewhere which is what i do usually when my CPTSD gets bad and i don't want to attach it to any of my accounts

i did one of those reddit vents the other day, actually. i was cranky when everyone pointed out that i was entertaining something stupid and self-destructive and there would be plenty of downsides i was ignoring. someone did call me out for pity-farming and that i was hoping someone would give me permission to go through with it.

there's still a pit of anxiety in my stomach. i know this comes off as hopelessly vague. i think i need a bath to calm down

[DogMan79]

Hi @mallory_strife 

Reddit provides quite a different vibe to here

I hope that you find comfort, somehow

[mallory_strife]

@DogMan79 

i probably won't post there again, at least for a while. 

got out of the bath but i still felt jumpy so i used cuticle nippers on my fingers, which predictably led to me going too hard and making two of my fingers bleed. i'm sorry the topic has gone away from me and this thread has mostly become me struggling to calm down

[gretamod_00]

Hey @mallory_strife 

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You don’t need to apologise, sometimes threads drift when things get overwhelming, and that’s okay.
It sounds like you’ve been having a really tough moment, and I hope you can be gentle with yourself and get the care you need. Take whatever space helps, and please stay safe, you’re not a burden here.

[DogMan79]

Content/trigger warning

My Treatment Contract Agreement with my psychologist includes a clause "Cease use of violent pornography"

I don't know if knowing you are not alone helps