TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[tyme]

Good Evening @creative_writer ,

What's been happening for you tonight?

tyme

[creative_writer]

@tyme I think exhaustion has made things seem more intense. I got sick this weekend, that probably triggered the migraine and made me moodier. I think shame is what’s overwhelming me the most right now. I know the past trauma wasn’t my fault but I feel ashamed of myself. I feel less worthy and lovable.

[tyme]

@creative_writer ,

That sounds exhausting in itself. I'm sorry to hear how challenging it is for you right now. Exhaustion and being run down definitely exacerbate things - I know it does for me anyway.

What does your wind-down routine look like for tonight? For me, I generally like to spend some time on my accupressure mat and listen to some mindfulness sessions on Smiling Mind.

I hope you find some space to be kind to yourself. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Take Care,

tyme

[creative_writer]

@tyme i do have a routine at night. I like winding down by praying. Later into the night I get ready for bed and complete my skincare routine and massage my face with a Gua sha. I could add some relaxation like grounding work and imagery into the mix.

[tyme]

@creative_writer ,

That's a great start. Perhaps you can roll all your burdens off your chest in prayer, then continue with your regular routine. I find writing down a list of things each night means I don't have to lie awake thinking about them. But, we are all different. 

Do what work best for you,

tyme

[Zoe7]

@creative_writer 💗

[creative_writer]

@tyme I got through the night okay. Had some emotions carry on into the morning. I reached out to two different helplines, and I felt better the second time around.

@Zoe7 ❤️

Just reflecting that society often tells us to keep yourself busy constantly so you don’t allow yourself to think or feel. People say this all the time and it infuriates me. It feels practically impossible. Sooner or later, after distracting or keeping myself busy for a while, the thoughts return, they always do, then it’s hard to get out again. It left me with a strong desire to develop more unhelpful behaviours than I already have. A part of me wants to pick up these unhelpful and destructive behaviours, because I don’t want to feel this but I know I’ll only make my situation worse.

[Zoe7]

@creative_writer I don't believe keeping busy all the time is the answer either. I truly believe that being able to sit with ourselves and just Be is a skill that can also lead to both self discovery and peace within ourselves. I used to think doing something all the time, putting others first and doing everything for everyone else was both helping myself and also keeping the demons at bay but what I have learnt is that self compassion, looking after me first and not pressuring myself to do everything at once is actually looking after myself the most. We can fall back easily to distraction and keeping ourselves busy to help keep those thoughts and feelings at bay but that does not solve the real issues ie. how to work through those thoughts and feelings and begin to move on from them. Trauma can destroy us but learning to sit with those feelings, work through those thoughts, place them where they belong (both at the feet of those that have caused it and also in the past) can help us to be more compassionate and kinder to ourselves, to begin to understand our own triggers and how to deal with them and also to be able to live the ourselves. This last one is a big one - we are so often told that humans are social beings and need people around us but that is not the case for everyone. Whether you are in the camp of needing those social connections or like to be alone - the key is the same - you can only live your life and the biggest part of that is liking yourself. I absolutely prefer being on my own and I know that is because of years of pain, hurt and trauma. I have always been happier on my own and being very independent - shaped by both trauma and necessity a lot of the time but I am happier on my own and to me that is the most important. I know Me and do not feel that need for those generally desired social connections. I understand that many do but I also believe we need to learn to live with ourselves first as through doing that we can also then be the best version of ourselves in the wider world.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 definitely agree that sometimes we need to sit. I mean distraction is okay for some time to de-escalate things but you can’t keep doing it constantly, it’ll probably just create more stress than it’s worth. Emotions have their way of coming out. You have to come back to it eventually. Sometimes I’m like I just want to not be okay, I don’t want to be told why it’s wrong and why it’s not good for me. I also agree self-compassion is really important for recovery.

I’m not incredibly social either, I just want a few close people and I’m good to go. Some people would think it’s insane I spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes it’s hard to be around people because I have to pretend that I’m doing alright. It also takes so much of my energy to small talk. So I leave my room when I’m up for it.

[Zoe7]

I find small talk boring and mostly unnecessary @creative_writer I much prefer substantial conversations with things that matter. It gets frustrating for me in meetings when people rattle on about things that can be solved easily or in the big scheme of things are so arbitrary or not at all important - so much wasted time for some just to hear their own voices. I personally say very little in our school meetings but when it is important I will speak up, get to the point quickly and want to find a solution to move forward. We have so many that bring up issues from even years ago that are just not needed rather than working towards progressing in whatever it is we need to achieve. Then there are those that fight what we need to do all the way and make life difficult for everyone. Sometimes accepting what is needed is all that should happen rather than complaining at every turn. Life is a bit like that for me in social situations - find a solution, concentrate on the positives and let go of those things we cannot change. That does not mean that we should not fight for what we believe in though but words alone will not do that - we have to action what we believe in. I have digressed here but you hit a nerve lol