TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[Zoe7]

@creative_writer Some days are just plain hard Hon. Hearing you and sending you love 💕

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I was sitting with a lot, I still am. I wish it could stop hurting so much.

@Zoe7 ❤️

I wish I knew how to heal this on my own. I don’t want to rely on people because I grew up alone and it’s what I am comfortable with. I only really talk to people in my inner circle and family and don’t wish to make more friends. It’s hard to feel safe around people, it’s too overwhelming. I am constantly surrounded by family but feel incredibly lonely. I talk to the very few friends I have over social media. Im seeing my psychologist monthly, I don’t know why it isn’t enough.

[Zoe7]

I completely understand that feeling of being surrounded by people yet feeling alone @creative_writer I have difficulty in crowds or large gatherings - I do not like the feeling of being 'closed in' or making small talk with people I do not know. I can hold my own, and to all seem on top of it, social and articulate, but inside I am filled with anxiety and just want out. I do not have the same feelings with my class - it is the exact opposite but maybe part of that is that there are a bunch of kids that are not going to ask anything more from me than to be cared for. They do not care what is going on in my life, how I struggle every day to keep on top of things nor how much I have been through to get to this point - all they know is I am there for them, want every day to be a happy one and that the classroom is a safe environment for them all. Kids are so innocent in their views and accepting in their beliefs - how things change the more they are exposed to in life and the more they have to overcome. ...but each day with them is a joy and that is all I need.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I also prefer talking about more meaningful things. I don't know it's a form of social anxiety, I just don't feel comfortable or safe around people. Kids do tend to be different than adults so it makes sense to feel more comfortable around them.

[Zoe7]

I can get up in front of a school of kids or a room full of people to talk about things that matter @creative_writer but get so bored with small talk. I don't see the sense in most of it "just for the sake of talking". I would rather be the quiet one in the background however most people would not believe that of me going by the public speaking I can do ...but that is definitely always on something I am passionate about. Generally I say very little but there are exceptions - the main one is when someone is out of line or being inappropriate ...I won't let that stand from anyone - it doesn't matter who they are. Off my soap box now lol How are you doing?

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I agree it’s different to talk about things that actually matter. Small talk gets exhausting, tedious and boring. I think it’s amazing that you can speak about passionate topics. Public speaking makes me very uncomfortable. I think covid has made things more challenging, it’s been easier to retreat when we had lockdowns, that interacting with the outside world feels so foreign, I’ve fallen in this safety zone.

I am doing better emotionally, but things do take their time to resolve, something I’ll need to work on. Though I’ve come down with something, I have a very crappy immune system, and seem to be getting sick too often.

[Zoe7]

@creative_writer 💗💗💗

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 I hope you are doing well ❤️❤️❤️. This weekend has been rough from a sleep perspective. I get migraines if I don’t sleep well. Just hoping to sleep well tonight.

[Zoe7]

I hope you sleep well tonight too @creative_writer I also have a migraine tonight so heading to bed to try to sleep again.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 feeling better today. Might take me a while to re-gain my strength. I hope you are doing better ❤️❤️❤️.