TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[Zoe7]

Hey @creative_writer I say cry if you need to Hon. It can be a great outlet for all that pressure and stress. How are you feeling now? Has the day improved?

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 it’s true crying can be a good outlet but I often stop myself because I don’t live alone and I hate being asked why I am upset. I would have if it was just me. The urge has passed too, didn’t shed more than a few tears because I was trying to not get bloodshot eyes. My left eyebrow really hurts, generally get migraines around that area, maybe that exacerbated because I just didn’t realise the tension that needed to be realised. I am so self-conscious about crying in front of people, it makes me feel vulnerable. I also grew up being told I was too sensitive and felt invalidated as a kid, my natural instinct is to retreat.

[Zoe7]

I totally get that @creative_writer I spent the majority of my younger years in my room and tried not to have much to do with my family - it was too hard. Crying was something I did at night when I knew I could - I could not even begin to count the nights I cried myself to sleep 😥

It does make it hard when we live with others to allow ourselves normal human emotions, especially when those emotions are invalidated. You have us here though to express some of those emotions - I know it is not the same as being able to express them openly but they will certainly be validated here.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 and it’s not that I don’t love my family either, I do. It’s just so hard to talk to them. I think parents and other people in the child’s life do not always realise the significance of telling a young child “you are too sensitive”, or telling a child to not cry so much. I get that raising a highly sensitive child is hard, I was the first kid and all, my mum was very stressed when I was small too, but it’s only natural for the child to internalise shame and not want to express themselves.

It’s also very hard to find someone who is willing to hear me out in my life. I’ve noticed some people go to problem solving mode and it gets frustrating. Like I just want to feel heard, I want to feel connected. I don’t want to be told I should get away from my house, keep myself busy, think positive. Some people also struggle with handling the pain too, like my mum gets really emotionally involved, I feel like it’s too much for her to handle. My dad goes into problem solving mode. I know I’m rambling a lot. Just had so much on my mind.

[Zoe7]

People do tend to offer 'advice' rather than listen @creative_writer It can be very counter-productive because it often leads to not talking and that then leads to us internalising everything. 

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7 it is very counterproductive, and does not lead anywhere. The reality is you cannot fix people’s problem. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, support and empathise with us.

I hope today is going better for you ❤️❤️❤️

[creative_writer]

I wish I could say I was okay but I am far from it. I’ve reached out for support from a SANE counsellor, but it’s still hard. Really trying to not act on my urges….

[Former-Member]

Evening @creative_writer,

I'm sorry to hear things are a struggle at the moment 💜

You mention that you reached out to the SANE counsellors and I just wanted to say that this shows a huge amount of resilience - it sounds like you might know your triggers and/or when things feel overwhelming you know when to reach out for help, does that sound right?

I'm wondering whether you've been given any coping skills to sit with the thoughts and feelings? Something I've found helpful in the past is to write out how I'm feeling in a journal so that the thoughts aren't swirling in my mind. Another is to take a walk (which is probably not a great idea at night in the middle of winter!), and another is to do something nice for myself (i.e. eat my favourite meal, listen to music or play a game I enjoy).

I hope you're feeling safe tonight @creative_writer, and if things feel like they're escalating you can always get in touch with one of the following 24/7 services:

Lifeline: 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
Samaritans: 135 247
Triple Zero: 000

Sirius ✨

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I’ve had thoughts of suicide, but I think I’ll handle for now. I’ve tried a few things today, from watching a tv show with my sister and mum, shower, praying, massage, of course reaching out too. And I stupidly self harmed again, but I couldn’t take it anymore without doing it, 3 days felt too long to go without it.

[Former-Member]

@creative_writer it sounds like you're sitting with a lot today 💛

I know it probably doesn't feel it right now but you're doing all the right things to make sure you stay safe; you've reached out for professional support, you've connected here in the forums, you've leaned in to your spirituality/religion, you've distracted with an enjoyable activity with your family and one of my personal faves...massage.

It's so good to see that you're putting that self-care in place. I'm going to send you an email to check-in with you tonight and to see if you need any additional support. Please keep an eye on your email inbox.

Sirius