TW: Abuse. I don't know how to talk about it

[aureliusrae]

I never speak about it but I have decided to try my best

Last year I was working in child protection when I found out one of the children I was case managing was being sexually abused by her father.

My Team Leader did not agree. She and I had been very close but she was very defensive to the idea that she had been supporting unsupervised visits between a father who was sexually abusing his daughter. She gave me a lot of reasons as to why we could not make the visits supervised, and why it was not enough evidence to prove he was sexually abusing her.

The little one was only seven, and had the most upside down trauma presentation I have ever seen.

For about three months I worked non-stop, I could not sleep or eat properly because all I would do is try and find more evidence of the sexual abuse so the visits could be supervised. Or other evidence to make the visits supervised. It was my entire responsibility to stop the sexual abuse from happening.

My Team Leader began CCing my Manager into my emails indicating I was not doing my work properly. She was bullying me and intimidating me in front of the families I worked with. I would have been able to deal with this but I was on a continuous cycle of burn out from working non-stop.

I had nightmares all the time. About the sexual abuse. And I still have some, of dreams of little girls begging me to come get them. My Team Leader took me off the case as part of her bullying of me. She had actually previously been kind of a maternal figure to me. I was also very afraid of making her angry because I knew what she would do to me.

I was so suicidal by this point that I quit. I would never have quit if I still had the case. None of the higher up management were listening to me because my Team Leader was obstructing me, telling them the evidence wasn't good enough. But the other case workers and the lawyers agreed with me.

I can't explain how it traumatised me so much. I felt so responsible. I feel like the worst person in the world for having left all the kids I case managed. My Team Leader would not let me say goodbye to any of them, so what will they think happened? Now I am just another person who left them.

I always have nightmares now and flashbacks. I can't eat the food I used to eat when I lived in that house. I can't go back to that town without panicking. I worry about my kids all the time and I struggle with self-loathing. I feel like no one would forgive me if they knew what I had done, even though when I look at it logically I can see I couldn't have done things much differently.

I'm so sorry and I wish I could apologise to my kids all the time.

In the end, the visits did become supervised and the little girl is not allowed to return home to her father. I knew I was right the whole time so it was not that much validation, but a huge relief. That happened a year after I left, so it has been a long one. I wonder if my Team Leader thinks it was worth facilitating the abuse of this little girl (and I guess traumatising me, who she had been so close to) just to protect herself.

This is the first time I have been able to speak about this so if you got all the way through, thank you for listening ❤️

[Former-Member]

Hey there @aureliusrae, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. What has happened is awful, but you were strong and brave in your advocacy. And it's so special that you've trusted us here with it. How has it felt sharing this story for the first time?

What your story tells me, is that you have such a strong sense of justice and care for others. Even when it impacted your own mental health and work. I'm so sorry that what has happened has impacted you so much. Even now. I know in this work, I sometimes have nightmares about what's happening with work. When we hear stories, we can feel responsible. You're not alone in these feelings ❤️ 

What kind of support do you have around you at the moment? Nobody should go through these feelings alone ❤️ 

Again, welcome, and thank you for sharing your story,

TuxedoCat

PS. I edited the subject line to include a trigger warning so forum members can know what is included in your post and. decide if they feel up for reading it. This way, you can still tell your story. I hope that's ok ❤️ You can click here to read more about out community guidelines

[Bow]

Hi @aureliusrae firstly welcome to the forums. 

thanks for sharing part of your story. I use to work for an OOHC agency and had a similar experience where a child reported that her foster carer was abusive. I reported to the appropriate people and nothing was done about it. It made me angry, I tried and tried, spoke to different people, but the powers above wouldn’t budge. Numbers and funding were more important. 

Like you, I was taken off the case. I hated it. I hated how easily management would change case loads, these kids need stability. 

I went on maternity leave, and never went back. I know that the child was eventually moved but I don’t know why. 

hope you can find some peace in it somehow. 

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for sharing your story

 @aureliusrae 

Thank you for caring.

I have witnessed and experienced similar situations as the child in "care" and other perspectives.

Without going into her specifics.  I am so glad that a supervised order was eventually made.

Same to you @Bow 

The stories need to be told, not swept under the carpet.

The stories include genuine workers in the field, and the culture of "protecting my own back from litigation" in the Dept.  Who gets to decide what is going on behind closed doors.  I know it is complicated. I cannot say more.

[Gwynn]

@aureliusrae, I'm so sorry you've had that experience.  If it helps at all, you're not alone in having effects from working in child protective services - one of the ladies in my grandmother's book club who worked in child protective services can get triggered by her experiences during her career, and the book club doesn't read true crime to accommodate the impacts of her trauma on her.

As Thomas Szasz said, “Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society.”  It was cruel of your former team leader to weaponise that against you. 

The only person who was responsible for the abuse of that little girl was her father.  Your team leader was complicit because she would not park her own ego enough to consider that maybe you and the other case workers were right. 

What do you do that is helpful to you?

[pjc1965]

I suggest you google Joyce Meyer. She was sexually abused by her incestual father from age 3-18. Her and Billy Graham are the two best preachers. Genuine. She has answers and brings peace. Has DVDS, is on podcasts, has a TV program channel 92. She puts her wealth into programs. God is love.  helping those in need. Prisoners, leaders, sex slaves, schooling. Google her. She was able to forgive her father too. 13 years of sexual abuse and its turned her into today's greatest preacher bringing healing to lost. @aureliusrae 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @aureliusrae 

I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support 💜

Oh @aureliusrae 💜 I’m so deeply sorry to hear about what happened to you and the detrimental impact that this has had (and continues to have) on your mental health and wellbeing 💜

In my experience, sitting with so many distressing memories and deep seated feelings of shame, guilt and remorse can be terribly painful 💜 As such, I just wanted to say that I think that you’re incredibly courageous to revisit this time in your life and share this part of your story with us 💜

Several years ago, I was employed in a tertiary child protection service. In my experience, the responsibilities associated with this particular position were enormous and to feel as though we have failed the children in our care can result in a level of distress and anguish that’s excruciating.

As I listened to this part of your story, I got the overwhelming sense that you did everything within your power to advocate for this little one and I just wanted to say that I admire your tenacity to continue to hold your position, under such challenging and impossible circumstances 💜

I can really hear how deeply you’ve been impacted by everything that has happened to you and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if you have any professional support available to you at this time?

One of the resources that I’ve found really helpful during the course of my career is 1800RESPECT 💜

Although 1800RESPECT provide telephone and online counselling and support for people who are impacted by sexual and domestic and family violence, the counsellors also ‘provide clinical consultations and referrals to support professionals experiencing work induced stress and trauma.’

I wasn’t too sure if this is something that may be helpful for you and so I’ve included the link to this particular section of their website, just in case you would like to explore this further 😊

https://www.1800respect.org.au/professionals

If you would like to reach out to 1800RESPECT, you can contact them on:

1800 737 732 💜 They provide support 24 hours a day, seven days a week 💜

1800RESPECT also provide online chat if this is something that feels more comfortable for you 💜

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @aureliusrae that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 😊

Please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @aureliusrae,

I don't know if anything I say will bring you comfort.

I was a foster kid and was in and out of care from 5 to 12years old. 

But I know from personal experiences that as kids we were pretty good a telling who really cared and who just saw us as another case to get off their desk. 

Those kids will remember you as someone who really cared about them even if they are upset about you leaving. 

But I also know that when I was in the system I had a new social worker nearly every month because it is such a hard job to. Some of us come from horrors  most adults don't even experience and even if it's for a short time having someone who shows true care and kindness shows us there is good in the world and we do have a chance for better lives.

Sorry I know I rambled but I hope something I said makes you feel better.