Struggling with a marriage i shouldnt be in

[Jhett707]

I am alone in a miserable marriage. My wife has cheated on me, my family no longer have anything to do with us because of her and i cant leave. If i leave my 2 beautiful girls grow up thinking her actions are right and her dad who is a lunatic will move in to the house i have worked my bum off to renovate and buy in the first place. Sex life is non existent and i have been diagnosed with depression. I have thought about suicide so many times to get me out of this situation and have no knowledge of what comes of my girls once i am gone. Dont know what to do to make it better. I have spoken to her and we are amicable, she goes on like nothing ever happened, i believe she is still doing it. No trust equals no love.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Jhett707

welcome to the SANE forums

It sounds like you are grieving your hopes for your relationship and feeling very alone right now. Although we can't physically change anything I hope that through these forums you can find connection and like minded people for mutual support.

I know you said you have thought about suicide before and i hope that if you find yourself in that frame of mind again you seek help through an immediate response service like Lifeline 13 11 14 or Mens helpline 1300 789 978  (unfortunately we cannot provide crisis support)

I saw that you had also posted in another thread which is fantastic, I hope that you feel comfortable looking around and replying to others as you want. if you have any questions please just say

I know that there are other people here who have had relationship difficulties I wonder if anyone has any advice or thoughts about your situation @Flyfisher @kristin and there are also a number of threads about managing in relationships here  and looking after yourself here

[utopia]

@Jhett707. You are really going through a rough patch at the moment. And that is hard enough without depression.
Do you see anyone for your depression?
I have a great gp who looks after me and helps monitor my moods. I also have an amazing psychologist who has taught me some great coping techniques - that have really helped. I've been without a depressive episode for a month now. And I am coping when stressful situations occur - so they don't bring me crashing down.
A good psychologist can listen to what's been happening to you. They can talk about any issues you need help with.
I'd recommend going to see your gp and asking for a mental health care plan - a simple questionaire. Your gp can then refer you to a psychologist forfurther help.
There are others on this site who are also going through marriage / relationship difficulties and hopefully they will be able to share their experiences and have some great advice.
You are not alone

[Appleblossom]

If you really feel that there is no hope for genuine reconciliation and your wife is insincere and just using you for the family home .. then may be time to take action.  How old are your girls?

I struggled in a miserable marriage for 16 years.  The pressures mounted and blew up and one time the CAT team were called ..in the end a nurse from the CAT team said to me .. we leave those we dont like ... her phrase reverberated with me and eventualy gave me the strength to leave.

I had a strict Roman Catholic mother so divorce was not acceptable ...

I also have put 2 and 2 together and realised that my parent's relationship was not good and that it was not fair on my father.  Dont underestimate your daughters. They benefit from both parents being able to live and thrive ... so they can live and thrive ... dont worry about the label ... there will be pathological aspects to a person who cheats in marriage ..

the other day I met a man on the train .. we chatted ... he had left and started a new relationship . . life was not easy  .. it rarely is ... but he was much happier out .. and was re-establishing relations with his children ... there are better ways

Depression .. is often due to anger turned against the self .. maybe you are too much of a gentleman to express your anger to your wife .. and I would never advocate violence ... but find a middle path .. so that you can live your life with some truth ... dont give whole house to wife ... you worked and paid for it ... you deserve a good portion ... I met one man .. who refused to take any of the house ... but then he blamed every woman he met ...

I am female ... but I do try and understand both sides in the battle of the sexes ... I wish we didnt have to have the battle ... but it seems to be one of the facts of life. We are all of the same species .. so I try and focus on the things we have in common ... toes .. elbows ... heart ... etc etc

Take care

Apple

[Sahara]

Hi @Jhett707,

I left my former partner after 13 years of unhappiness together and I am so glad that I did. During the last few years of our so-called 'relationship' I was suffering from major depression. I had to get treatment for the depression as a matter of urgency, so I actually stayed with my partner while I trod the long road to recovery.

My psychiatrist even told me "don't make any major life decisions while you are still depressed." I think this was good advice. Things were so much clearer to me once the depression began to lift. 

@Jhett707, are you seeing a psychologist or counsellor? You need to talk things over with someone you trust and who is unbiased.  It would be good if you can start to rebuild some bridges back to your own family, too. A counsellor may be able to help you with this. Start small, with a phone call or text to a family member you were once close to. They may be very happy to hear from you. 

Work on the things that you can change and that you do have control over, for now. 

Seek legal advice before you separate, not after. Get to know your rights.

When I left my partner, I gave up everything. Thankfully, we did not have children. I had worked hard and paid around 70% for our joint property. I never saw a cent of this, because my ex-partner's Dad was very, very clever and tied up our property in a trust associated with his family business. He was the one who had all the money and the lawyers. I could have fought him for my rights, but I chose to walk away and make a clean break. I don't regret it.  

I was just glad to say goodbye to 13 years of misery and lies. Even loneliness was better than being with my ex.

Please, please seek help with your depression first, then begin to make your life decisions with the proper legal advice and the support of those you trust.

[Jhett707]

Thanks to all that have offered up advice here @Sahara@appleblossm@utopia@Fancy_Pants but i cannot leave my kids behind. Georgia is 15 and dotes on me dearly. She is going through her senior years at high school and i hate to think what would happen to her if i left. She is a very emotional girl and would struggle. The other aspect to consider here is that she is not mine by birth, she treats me as blood as i do her and she regards me as her dad 100%. However, on that bit of paper my name is not good enough as the vindictive woman will say i cant see her anymore. I am in the process of adopting her so i can square that problem away. Olivia is 9 and is mine. She would be an emotional wreck if i leave and i am concerned about that. On top of that, if i leave she will move her Dad in here and he is the most obnoxious, self centred and narcissistic man you will ever meet. This is not good for the kids. She currently pays the mortgage on an apartment in surfers paradise that he lives in and without doubt she will sell that and move him in here. I am trapped, and isolated from my friends and family and feel there is no way out. She is also a paralegal which means she has all the knowledge and contacts to completely screw me over. I am a mess. This is not me. I am existing, not living, but i have to put my kids happiness before my own. I know the hell they will be subject to if i go and it isnt pretty. I want a life, i want to have fun, i want family and friends and i have none of it because of her. My life is over.

[Jhett707]

@Appleblossom @utopia sorry still getting used to the 21st century see above

[Sahara]

@Jhett707,

you may want to wait to the adoption of your daughter is complete before you even consider separating from your wife... to me, that sounds very sensible and strategic. It does sound like you are in control of the situation.... even though you are very unhappy right now. 

It's not a great idea to put anyone else's happiness before your own... even your own children's. Of course, we all make sacrifices from time to time to make others happy, these kind of sacrifices are the type that secretly bring us joy and a sense of belonging. However, repeatedly denying your own needs to benefit someone else is not sustainable and can lead to depression! Human beings are not designed to live in misery.

I hope you can find some professional support at this time. Can you see your G.P. for a referal to an experienced psychologist? 

Can you get out of the house and do some things that bring you happiness? How about taking your daughters away for a weekend of camping, or something like that? Tell your wife you need some quality father/daughter time. Maybe try not to confide any of your fears or problems in your daughters, but just spend time with them and cherish that time. 

Maybe you could join a sporting club or similar to get you out of the house, meet some new contacts and friends and get a feel for being independent and confident again? I would very strongly suggest trying to meet new people and invest in new interests while you are deciding your future. Focus on all the things that you do have some control over and be assertive about your needs. I know it isn't easy.

While I was recovering from my major depressive episode, I went out and joined some groups to have people to talk to and it made me feel better. I don't think I ever mentioned my unhappiness with my then-partner to the people I met. I just got out and enjoyed their company and took note of all the potential opportunities out there. I still lived with my partner, although he completely ignored me and we had hardly any 'relationship' at all. But it was good for me to take that time to transition into a new way of living.

[utopia]

@Jhett707. I understand your logic for staying. The love you have - that we all have for our children - is intense. And we want to do what we can to protect them.
I think the best way you can help them & yourself at the moment - may well be to stay. But only if you seek help from a psychologist at the same time.
It is not good for your children to see you suffering and depressed. However - to see their father seek help & heal - that is an amazing thing to teach your children.
That is why I have pushed so hard these past months to get better. I want my son to see that no matter how bad things get in life - there is a way to heal and make things better.
So if you plan to stay for the next few years in the house - get yourself some treatment. This will also help you deal with living with your wife & you can learn to reduce your stress and be more like you again.
You can't change your wife - bit you can heal yourself and make sure your girls have the best dad possible.
I wish you all the best

[Kurra]

Hi @Jhett707
How was your weekend? 🎶