Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[disquiet]

Hi all,

Havnt posted before but was wondering if I could get some advice as im at my wits end.

I have lived with my partner for 5 years and realised she was unwell shortly after we moved in together.  She was soon diagnosed with BiPolar and hospitalised.  My partner has been on meds since and they seem to help but we have nevr had long periods of stablity.  She does go to her psychiatrist adn psychologist every week.  I know she tries to manage the disorder.

She is in hospital at least once a year, usually due to psychosis and suicide attempts.  In between episodes like this we struggle with day to day things.  She cant function normally without my assistance and it is often a 24/7 job to get basic stuff done from making sure she goes to work to taking a bath.

2 months ago we had another episode during which she demanded meds which I had hidden. After a day of fighting I just cracked and gave her the bottle.  I didnt care any more and just couldnt keep fighting.  Within an hour she has swallowed the lot and I found her unconscious in bed. A frantic call to 000 and she was in an ambo.

Since then I just cant find the strength to fight bipolar any more.  Its taken every part of me to keep her alive for 5 years.  She promises it will get better but there always seems to be another thing that happens.

I just dont see a future in which she doesnt self harm and tear up our lives while I clean up the mess. Does bipolar ever stop? Is this just how our lives are together?  

Sorry for the long rant.

[Durango]

Hello disquiet,

Thankyou for posting on the forum and sharing your story of caring for your partner. It is really important that you take care of yourself. Please take some time to have a look around the carers forum as well as the lived experience forum for ideas, support and connection to help you out. It may be helpful to also attend a session with your partner and her psych to work on some stategies to support you both. 

Thankyou again for posting and keep in touch.

Take care,

Durango

[suzanne]

Hi @disquiet.  Thanks for sharing your story.  It's not an uncommon one but still such a tough situation to find yourself in.  It sounds like your partner is working hard to stay well but even her best efforts aren't enough to keep her stable.  There seem to be quite dramatic and painful mood swings.  I wonder if she feels the same despair herself about staying well?

You ask a good question but also an impossible one to answer.  Yes, some people do learn to manage their condition and the mood swings reduce in frequency and severity.  But when/whether that will happen for your partner no-one will be able to say.  It sounds as if in addition to feeling exhausted by the toll that her ill-health takes, you're losing hope that she will recover and stay well.  The loss of hope can be a very powerful thing. 

I hope that some other members with similar experiences can chime in.  I would imagine that this will be the most beneficial thing for you.  Recently @workthisout posted about similarly painful experiences here.  Another thread by @tfishface has some interesting ideas for people in your situation.  You can read that here. @pjc11 and @Ant1 also have common experiences and may be able to drop by.

You've done so well to have provided her with support to this point.  It must be like riding a storm in a way.  I hope you get some calm to rebuild your strength and optimism.

[disquiet]

Thanks for getting back to me.

I know she feels a similar sense of helplessness sometimes.  I see her struggle to get ahead but the setbacks take their toll.

I think the loss of hope is a hard one. I dont know how to fight that.

It is hard at times to stay calm and objective when the other person is in a state.  Any escalation makes it worse and that usually means I dont try and stand my ground or protect myself.  I just want her to stop doing whatever she is doing at that moment.

Something I struggle with a lot is what is acceptable behaviour for a bipolar person?  Do I expect to much? The doctors never seem to have an answer except that it should stop happening one day.

Thanks,

[Baboo]

Sorry for butting in here- but do you guys have a relationship counsellor?

[disquiet]

Hi,

No we dont.  It has come up in the past, but I am too scared to do any shared counceling to be honest.  I have found that I need to very heavily moderate any discussions around bipolar and/or our relationship.  What appear to be safe topics quickly turn into "Fine I'll leave" or psychosis and self harm.

I have attended her theorapy sessions which has helped a lot in making sure her doctors know what is going on.  Recently I got her psychiatrist and psychologist to realise that she simply tells them what they want to hear.  That came as a surprise to her support services and they have made an extra effort to keep track of things.

[Former-Member]

Hi @disquiet

Sorry to hear that you are doing it so tough.

I just wanted to say that I can understand you not wanting to go to joint counselling. That is something I would not consider myself. I have undertaken CBT in the past and currently have a relationship counsellor. The CBT helped me sort out better ways to care for myself and this ultimately I think helped both myself and my partner. You can give too much away to someone with a mental illness because you are fearful of what they may do or in an attempt to pass things off as 'normal'. I have also found relationship couselling helpful. The CBT was all about me and how I cope with things. The relationship counselling is all about supporting me in deciding if I can keep going in the relationship. You need someone on your side who understands the dynamics.

CarersNSW also have a really good online resource "Mental Health Foundations for Carers" which I have found useful.

I hope you do get some help. 

Carer101

[disquiet]

Thanks @Former-Member that website was very helpful.  This is the link to the interactive information if anyone needs it.

http://www.foundationsforcarers.org.au/interactive/main.htm

[Appleblossom]

Sorry to hear your story @disquiet.  I hope you get some support .. I have just recently contacted a similar organistion in my state.

[disquiet]

Watching some of the videos was a shock at different levels for me.

When one of the people spoke about how they struggle to brush their teeth without their carer I neraly fell off my chair, as I have had this argument many times... It feels rediculous to be asking a grown woman if she has brushed her teeth and she certainly doesnt appreciate it.  But you have to do it anyway...

Knowing I'm not the only one dealing with that was a relief.

I think the other thing I've realised is that the symptoms of bipolar are likely to persist forever.  I knew we couldnt 'fix' bipolar but I had assumed the symptoms would slowly come to an end (perhaps naievely).  Sadly there is absolutely no guarantee of that.  

The reality is that my partner may improve, may get worse or stay the same.  Most likely she will alternate between bouts of being great and very bad for the rest of her life.  Her mother is bipolar and even though she's been treated for many years is still unstable by most peoples standards. Caring for a bipolar partner is clearly a lifetime commitment.

Knowing that I can never remove the symptoms of bipolar is a relief and a sadness at the same time.

Thanks,