Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Leigh]

I have posted recently under Daughter refuses to seek Help.

I am in the same situation with my son and his behaviour has been escalating. He has been saying he wants to die, and he is having mental problems. 

We contacted the CATT several days ago following an episode where he smashed some of our furniture and have been in contact daily with them,his thinking has been erratic but not psychotic.He was extremely angry we made contact with them

He finally spoke to them yesterday afternoon.We heard the conversation and he was calm and clear. He said he had not been thinking of suicide but had been stressed. As a result the team thought we had been exaggerating.He told them he had an appointment with his psychologist and she was going to get the name of a psychiatrist for him to see. I have no idea if this is true.

He left our house only to return to demand money so he could leave us and get away. We had no money to give him, he wanted thousands.He told us he would not be seeing his young daughter on Christmas day and it was all our fault and mainly mine and started to refer to me as  that thing.Then he became physically aggressive , grabbed my handbag and when I tried to get it back he twisted my arm and threatened my husband with a stick.While doing this he was smiling, He told us not to contact the police because he would not go easy.

We called the Catt team and explained what had happened. They were initially concerned and told us to call police but then said they would call him. When they rang us back they said he was calm and had told them that I had a mental illness and it was my fault. The Catt  said it was better to leave it as my son did not want police involved.Since then there have been several texts from him blaming us for everything that happened and saying he was going to disappear

I do have PSTD and disclosed this to the Catt. My Psych and counsellor say it is reactive and largely related to my sons long term behaviour.There is no cure and it can only be managed.

Its early morning and i am sitting here feeling ill with anxiety.If I understood why he has turned against me,I have always been there for him, it might be easier. But he either can't or won't explain. He has never had a police conviction and my husband is reluctant to involve them for that reason. The Catt team say they will try to see him today

[sharona]

Hi Leigh,

All I can say is I undersyand your situation. I can't really help with advice because I'm in a similar situation.

I hope it helps just to know someone's reading and nodding to your story.

One difference is that at this point, my son hasn't left and I cannot imagine that happening. However, he is angry and agressive towards me and I am the only person living here with him.

In the past, when he had extreme episodes of  out of control and suicidal behaviour,  I'd been told these agencies are there to help. They always ask so seriously about feelings of suicide, that you imagine the take it seriously, but that wasn't my experience. Very long story short, I had the same experience that they talk on the phone  and say if you're in danger, call the police. I know this ispolicy. I'm saying it sucks as a policy. They  eventually came to my house ONLY because  my GP called them. Actually, they gave her attitude too. When they came,as Itold them would happen, my son explained intelligently how he was having a reasonable reaction to terrible physical problems. He also lied in front of me, denying his actions. I had warned them that he would do this precisely because he has avoidant personality disorder (will do anything to avoid negative judgement).  Actually since then, his psychologist said he has possible conversion disorder too. They would give me a small amount of room to say something sometimes but they would appease him and accept his version.

What I don't get is why such agencies don't seem to understand what we all live,that people with mental illness will often deny there is a problem and can control their behaviour  enough to appear 'calm' to others,at least in short periods. We know that. Why don't they? They  seemto want thosepeople who are screaming, who are talking to aliens or  able to identlify and admit their issue and ask for their help.  There's a fine line ofpeople they help. Really aggressive and threatening...police. Abletohold a conversation and say Im fine..not interetsed. Why don't they listen to families? Thisis where it has gone wrong. 

Sometimes I can't help but cynnically think they must be saving a lot of money with this insane policy of not listening to families but listening to the people who are mentally ill, and taking their word for it.

They gave him tranquilisers andtold himtovisit thir psychologist. I knew he wouldn't. He didn't have the capacity toleave the house. I told them. They knew he had barely left the house in years. When he didn't go (of course) they cut himoff meds (which had helped) and any further help and said to me" Thosemeds are very expensive but now youll have to work it out yourself. I couldn't afford them. My son and I both felt this rejection and abandonment by these people as  an incredible blow. I just cried and cried and cried. I'm not a person to ask for help and I've never been able to talk to them again. 

I tricked him into the emergency ward, saying they would look at his physicalissues. About 8 hours of soothing him in emergency. They asked HIM why he was there.he said he had an eye issue and wouldnt talk to me. Eventually,he was in such a state and was leaving. They spent hours examining, Eventually in the morning theyput him in the psych ward. I was so happy. They said they would treat him. They said they would test himneurologically etc. I had togo to work. I got a call from my son, frantic, saying they had given him a taxi voucher and sent him home, no tests,nothing.They sent him home and didn't even call me. I raced home. I will never get him to trust them again.

Over years, I managed to get a better job and I could pay for a psychologist and buy what we needed, to a point. 

Now my son is going through a new and worse stage. His psychologist suggested hospital to him. He has decided not to use meds any more. here we go again. This time my son has become very angry and guess what, takes itout on me. There is never a kind word. Never a positive statement about anything. He said he doesnt care about me and i have no worth. I believe him.

I'm very sorry that your son is ill. I'm so sorry that he is blaming you. Even though we know that's a mental illness talking, it breaks a mother's heart. I'm so sorry that thes agencies are leaving you to your own devices and don't have any strategies/policies/techniques to deal with mentally ill people who say they're fine. I'm sorry they made it that your only choice is to call the police on a familymember who is ill.

The positive might be that you and your husband can hopefully be support for each other. 

[Leigh]

Thanks Sharona. It does help knowing that someone understands. He has his own place but is at our most of the time. He is saying he is leaving, just walking out, so who knows what will happen to him or his house. Guess the bank will foreclose if he does not make the payment. In some ways I don't care if he goes, but it means a battle to get contact with our much loved granddaughter.Thats the hardest part for us.Thank you again.

[Appleblossom]

It saddens me so much to read both of your stories.

I think you both have a point about mh services.There really does need to be more "family friendly" awareness in the system, otherwise the system is shooting itself in the foot.  More training in family therapy for all mh workers ... too often the individual worker's own prejudices get in the way ... they often have not done sufficient work on their own selves.

if you are lucky they might side with you .. but there should be more than luck involved in such an expensive system and and important one for the health and welfare of all inovlved.

My mother was very angry when accused by a young psychiatrist when my sister was assessed.  SO then i had to expend a lot of energy supporting mother to be reasonable... that young over educated girl ... never got that feedback ... our family suffered more and ...I never got the recognition.

There are family systems and organisational systems and humans who do care ... we need to be able to speak out.

I started my piano teaching after I was involved in family therapy and adopted a "family friendly" approach.

Sometimes there is a serious issue and denial in the family dynamic .. sometimes not ... I also worked for 4 years as a volunteer receptionist in a family therapy organisation .. things should not be automatically assumed by mh profs as it then can reinforce delusional thinking ... I had hope the system would get better .... hmmmm.

Humans are complicated and so is society ... there is no one size fits all.

I am sorry both of you had to experience this.

[Mosaic]

Hi @Leigh

It sounds like you are really having a rough time with your son, all right before Christmas no less. I can only imagine how frustrating this would be. It sounds like your husband is also doing his best to manage the situation alongside you. One thing I can say for sure that it is not a perfect system, but it sounds like you are taking all the right steps and keeping everyone in the loop as much as you can. Do you find you work well together with your husband when these situations arise? Is he a good support for you? I'm wondering have you contacted any other carers organisations, like ARAFMI or Carers Australia? It can be helpful to arm yourself with more support, if just to help cope emotionally with the chaos. I hope you find these Forums to be a welcoming and encouraging space to visit. I look forward to hearing more of your story. Please keep us up to date with how things are tracking for you and your family.

[ivana]

This is in reply to @sharona,

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way but unfortunately even if these mental health staff listened to you and admitted your son likely it wouldn't receive the result you were after.

Psychiatry and Neurology try to keep very far apart (which is terrible to patients) so when someone gives you the promise of neurologically testing for your son in the hospital usually you should take it as BS as once that doctor leaves their shift and another comes on shift that new doctor brings with them a different (and often closed minded)mindset and wont agree to the testing.There is little consistancy and follow through in Public Hospitals when it comes to patients with "complex symptoms".

Perhaps the focus should be on changing the Mental Health providers and not on "tricking your son" as tricking him to get treatment likely will not get the result you were hoping for and in addition will undermine your relationship with him and he wont trust you anymore.Its well meaning but just leads to more dysfunction.

There must be a reason why he "puts on a healthy act" when dealing with the prviders-perhaps the ones he has encountered have certain attitudes which he finds confronting or off putting so maybe by changing those attitudes will cause him to be able to trust them more,be more open and want to engage with them more.

[Leigh]

hello Appleblossom 

Just saw your reply. We managed to get through Christmas walking on eggshells.About to do it again so my granddaughter can have a family holiday.The CAT team spoke to his counsellor and his Dr and him several times. They then contacted me and said they have no worries about suicide. I wonder if he does it to cause us anxiety andd to manipulate us.

The funny thing is about Family Therapy. I am a qualified FT and worked in the field for years. Just shows you its doesn't work when its your family. I had a good reputation when I was working but now I wonder how useful  I really was!

I still want to run away but because of my granddaughter probably wont.I spoke to her other grandmother, she feels as trapped as me as because of similiar issues and her need to care for our grandchild because her mother also has Mental health and drug issues

I must have done something bad in my past life for Karma to get me to this degree!