Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[AprilBlue]

Hi all

What I'm about to write are some of the ugly thoughts that I have been having that I can't admit to anywhere else because I don't want to be seen as being selfish but I need to get it out somewhere - sorry in advance that I'm going to sound like a terrible person. 

First time in here, so a bit of background; my husband of 10 years has always struggled with depression and anxiety and we've managed well for the most part. There were some struggle times but we've managed to get through it together. He takes medication and has an excellent psychologist. In the last two years he experienced the surfacing of a traumatic repressed memory from childhood where he recalled being molested in a park by an older boy. Seeing him go through this was awful, and it changed a great deal in our marriage, but we continued to work through it. 

In the last several weeks however, it's like his mind has cracked open and all of the memories he had buried as a child have come out. Every day I've been blind-sided by another memory that he has shared and each one seems far worse than the last. The memories that are coming out are truly horrific and I can't go into them as there is a very real chance that law will get involved and I feel physically ill at some of the things I have been told. I am trying my hardest to be supportive, but I know that I'm not doing a good job, mostly because every conversation has become about this and I'm fearful  of what I'm going to hear next. It's very hard to convey what I'm feeling without revealing all of the detail but it has completely changed the way I view my him. Knowing all of this now, he feels like a stranger to me. I know this sounds awful and I feel like the worst person for even admitting it as none of it is his fault, but some of the detail is so profoundly traumatic and awful that it almost sounds made up. I think that is my way of trying to convince myself that something so terrible could not have happened. 

I don't know how to get through this, I feel like I'm losing my mind and am crying as I type this, which admittedly is better than the complete emotional numbness I have been experiencing lately. I can't admit any of this to him as it would break his heart at a time when he is at his most fragile. 

I'm angry at his parents for being oblivious to what was going on, I'm angry that his older brother didn't protect him, I'm angry that this has affected his whole life, and I'm angry that it has had this effect on our relationship. But more than that, I'm afraid that this will break us as I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I will ever see him the same way again, I feel like I'm grieving for the person I thought I knew completely. I just don't know what to do.. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi AprilBlue

Nobody is going to think ill of you for being honest about your feelings.  I can't imagine anyone in your situation not feeling as overwhelmed as you are at the moment, and compassion fatigue is a real thing.  

It sounds like you are going to need strong support to get through this.   Carers need care too, and exactly like it is for the person we are caring for, the first step is recognising when you are out of your depth and reaching out for help.  You have done that right here.

All I can offer you is my empathy, but there are others on this site who can direct you to support services and provide phone numbers for you to call.  Keep reaching out.  You are as important as your husband is.

You are not alone, and you are clearly a wonderful, caring person who has identified their coping limit.  There is strength and courage in that.

Grieving our losses is natural too.

Keep reaching for help.  Take one day at a time, one step at a time. 💐

[BlueBells]

Hi there, April Blue 🙂

I don't think I noticed if he is seeking professional help, like counsellor etc.

Please don't feel bad about yourself, I really don't know how I would have coped with something like that. Maybe it's just your coping mechanism kicking in.

I'm not much help, I guess 😞

Hugs 🙂

[CherryBomb]

Hi @AprilBlue

You're not a bad person. It seems like you're struggling with a really difficult situation. Remember, that you're a partner, no one can expect you to be a mental health professional with an objective lens, equipped to know how to support someone who has experienced sexual abuse. Most people don't know how to respond to something as complex as this. 

As @Faith-and-Hope mentoned carers also need care for themselves. This is so important otherwise, you might burn out. You might find this thread on compassion fatigue useful. Remember, that your experience, your feelings are valid, and also need care and compassion. 

May I ask @AprilBlue if your partner is seeking out support himself? It's a big load for you to carry if you're the only one supporting him

Also are you seeking support for yourself? 1800 Respect might be a good place to get in contact with. They've got some useful resources on their website, as well as a helpline. 

CB

[NikNik]

Hi @AprilBlue

I echo @CherryBomb 's question about whether your partner is seeking help for himself at the moment. I wanted to share an additional resource - 

Blueknot (formally Adult Surviving Child Abuse) is a great organisation that you might want to check out with your partner.

Nik

[Former-Member]

Thank you for sharing this. It has been helpful and thank you so much NikNik for the Blue Knot link.  Checking it out now.  By the way, I think your thoughts and feelings are very understandable AprilBlue. You are being traumatised by the stories, like a third party to the actual trauma that happened to your husband. Maybe counselling would help you get through this. Sounds like you could do with the support while you support your husband.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi AprilBlue

Have you managed to find some counselling support for yourself ?

Thinking of you ... 💐

[AprilBlue]

Hi everyone

Sorry I disappeared for a while! Good news is that I have found a counseller I can talk to about all of this so really hoping that will help with my ability to cope. Thanks for all of your support and kind words! xox

[Faith-and-Hope]

Great to hear 🌺

Thanks for letting us know.