Recovery struggles

[Andie1]

Hi I’m new to these forums and am just reaching out for some support.

I had quite an intense and public manic episode this time last year and was hospitalised for a month. Since then it’s been a struggle to recover and get back on my feet. I have a lot of trauma from my episode included from some of the restrictive practices used on me by the clinicians and staff at the hospital. I have nightmares regularly about them. I also still feel shame and embarrassment about how I behaved when I was manic and still can’t believe that my brain was capable of hallucinating and believing certain things. It was all so out of character for me and I’m still struggling to understand how I was able to behave and act certain ways when me in a well state could never imagine it. It’s also why I’m struggling to come to terms with my diagnosis of bipolar 1.

I really haven’t been coping well with the one year anniversary of being in hospital as it’s brought up a lot of memories for me and I just wonder why I haven’t heard any of my care team properly talk me through the genuine trauma that I feel and how to cope with it? It was a terrifying time for me and I still have memories coming back that I had forgotten about at the time. It’s just a lot to handle and I’ve been breaking down a lot this week and been struggling to concentrate and don’t have the motivation to do anything because I’m so upset and out of it. I just wish I’d never been diagnosed and never had the manic episode in the first place. 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Andie1, 

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE.

I'm really sorry to read what you have gone through - it sounds like you have had a really tough time over the last year. 

I have a lot of empathy for you as a close family member of mine was diagnosed with bipolar 1 several years ago and I am his main support person so I am very aware (and understanding) of the rollercoaster that bipolar 1 can be. I would encourage you to show yourself more kindness and understanding. How you may have reacted when you were in mania isn't who you are, it was a result of diagnosis. When my family member first started showing signs of mania we were all very confused and unsure about what was happening to him. He was acting very out of character. Although (like you) he struggled with the diagnosis initially it did help him better understand why he was behaving in a way that didn't align with who he was.

Over time, with the right supportive professional team and medication my family member is a lot better (he still has his bad days) but he is a lot more stable now and has been for many years.

I wish you all the best @Andie1 - there are many supportive members on the forums with similar lived experience and / or great advice. I look forward to reading their posts.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[hanami]

Hi there @Andie1 

I'm sorry to hear this anniversary has brought up trauma and bad memories for you. I used to work in the public health system, in community mental health. We often had people be referred back to us who had been in hospital at the one year anniversary. The treating team would send someone out to see them and reinstate some kind of care plan. Are you able to contact them and ask about this? 

Hoping that helps a little

Hanami

[Former-Member]

Hey @Andie1, welcome to the forums ❤️ thank you so much for sharing your story with us here. I hope our special community can help support you ❤️ 

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences in hospital. It's not fair that their treatments have contributed to your trauma. As a peer led community here, I hope we can give you a difference experience here. You could read through this thread @Appleblossom made about some alternatives. Project Lets also has an amazing instagram which talks about mental health systems and how we can advocate for change. 

Secondly, I know a lot of us here struggle with anniversaries, and I'm sorry it's been extra tough lately. It's really common to feel shame about things we've done when we aren't well and I'm sorry you feel your care team hasn't helped you explore what this means for you. Something I remind myself when my supports aren't helping the way I want, is that it's my own recovery journey and I can tell them. Have you raised this with your care team? Or would you feel comfortable to do this? 

And do you have any other suupports around you that you can draw on at the moment? 

Welcome again,

TuxedoCat

[wellwellwellnez]

Thanks for bringing up the complexity of restrictive practices. I think best practice and the processing of consequences, need these honest reflections. Even with best practice in restrictive practices, it's hard to imagine a world where the experience wouldn't have impact.

I'd probably recommend a bit of reflection on how far you've come since that time. That's often important. Collecting "protective factors" I find is also a good approach both in the immediate and further on down the line. 

I found out recently that moving your eyes from side to side helps with trauma processing. Theory is, it convinces the brain that you're moving forward. I think that theory is sound but also think it puts in the brain in "opportunity mode". And, it would neurologically link the brain hemispheres together for better duel processing (Maybe from a rational-side/creative-side point of view (if that's still a thing)) . Only issue is, with too much people might think you're plotting and scheming. Then again, that can be fine, depending on the plots and schemes.

[BPDSurvivor]

I hear you @Andie1 - from my experiences, I still struggle with the trauma associated with being in an inpatient unit, chemical restraint, police, ambulance sirens..... the list goes on. I have to mindfully work through the trauma so that over time, exposure therapy for desensitisation hopefully occur.

I understand the trauma behind it, yet I'm also mindful of not letting it pull me down. I've been down for way too long. I need to live life, not let my past demons rule me. 

All the best

[Little_Leopard]

Hi @Andie1

I struggle with shame as well. It’s quite a painful emotion.

please be kind to yourself and tell yourself what you would want a good friend to know if they were going through the same thing.

It is not your fault that you have these episodes. You don’t choose them, it just happens. Totally not your fault.  

I think the health system has a long way to go when it comes to treating mental health patients. You are not alone with struggle. 

[tyme]

Hi @Little_Leopard ,

I really appreciate your posts. They are so encouraging for readers, especially when they are facing difficulties.

Just a little hint, if you would like members to receive a notification of your message to them, you can type "@" in front of their name. That will ensure they read your messages of experience, wisdom and support.

Thanking you, tyme

[Little_Leopard]

Thanks for that. I just updated it.