@Former-Member Morning hun, I'm sorry your nights continue to be such a difficult time for you. Who did you write your safety plan with? Do you have someone to help you re-write another one? Don't forget if you are struggling, and reaching out to someone on the phone seems unlikely, take a moderator to talk to you. It's a distraction for a sort time, if nothing else. And just because you had one bad experience on a phone call, doesn't mean they're all like that. I've had my share of good and bad phone calls; now I have no hesitation in saying 'sorry, this is not helping me & I'm hanging up'. I'm not sure what service you used, but some of the ones I've tried are ATAPS, Suicide Call Back Service, Beyond Blue. You don't have to feel suicidal to use any of these.
And the emotional pain you are going isn't 'useless crap' (yes, I still that about my stuff too). It's very real, very overwhelming and very difficult to deal with. Sounds like you're being really hard on yourself, that perhaps you feel you should be able to get through this alone and your pain isn't worthy of reaching out for help. You matter immensely @Former-Member, and there is no shame that you are suffering. I don't know much about you, but as you seen from my posts, I understand the experiences you're describing. But I'm learning to trust others to help me, even if it just means to sit beside me in silence at times.
