Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Yuki]

Hi, my partner of 4 years suffers from depression.  He is taking meds to help it.  When we first started dating I did not know he had depression, there were no signs at all...I did know though that he has had a very tough life...2 of his 3 children passed away at different times in their teenage years.  He did finally tell me had depression.  I love him with all my heart and I was ok worried about it but I accepted it and just want to help him.  Our life together up to now has been awesome.  Don't get me wrong, he has had some moments where I have not understood what is going on or how to deal with it or how to help him.  They past though and things went good again until the next one and the next one.  They were not that often but they sem to be happening frequently now.  It seems lately that he is getting worse.  His bouts of depression are longer, he is tired all the time and he is getting very moody and agressive. He has a job which requires very early hour starts so I know he is also tired due to this.  But like today, he has pretty much slept all day.  He has been eating more as well.  Does not engage in conversation and just pushes me away.  I just don't know what to do.  I have asked that he revisit his doctor to talk to him about this and about the meds.  He just gets angry with me, won't listen. I don't know if it is the depression, the meds or me!  It has me feeling sick, helpless and unwanted,  etc...It is really bringing me down.  Is there anyone else experiencing this with their relationships? Any suggestions would be appreciated....

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Yuki

It can be really difficult to know what to do when someone you love seems out of control and investing in self-destructive behaviour.

You have done the right thing reaching out, because you are just as important as they are, and it's not fair to you to stay in that place of helplessness without trying something to lift yourself out of it.  Good on you for using your voice here !!!

Maybe this link will be of some use to you, or at least a comfort or starting point.  The site itself is one that was offered to me, for a different but not so far removed reason, by someone else on this forum.  

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-a-depressed-person.htm

Good luck.  Stay positive.  Be well.

[Yuki]

Thank you....

It is very hard at times.  He has highs and lows and some lows are very low....that's where I feel most helpless.  

He did have councelling years ago (before I met him) but he said it didn't help.  He blames himself for his childrens deaths.  To be quite honest, I have never seen him cry....I don't know if he is capable of it. 

I don't know if he is on the right meds either.  

As much as I try to help him, lend him a shoulder or an ear, he just pushes me away.  Then on his good days he is extreme.  So happy and enegertic.  In the past he had far more good days but lately he is having far more low days.

Mixing alcohol doesn't help him either.  I don't think his meds and alcohol go with each other.  He doesn't drink everyday, just at times on the weekend.  But he can get to an excessive point and that is where I find he then has lows for at least 2 days after. 

I just don't know what to do as I have never experienced this before.  I want to be here for him and I don't want the relationship to end, I want to help him and support him but I just can't keep doing this either....If he doesn't want to help himself I don't know what I will do.  I feel like he is starting to drag me down with him when he is in his lows.  I have concerns of my own and I need someone who will be there for me too but a lot of the time lately he just doesn't seem to care.  It seems like it is all about him.  He tells me he doesn't need anyone and that I am smothering him.  Then on other days, he asks why I haven't given him a hug....

I have told him all this as well and I don't even get a reaction....

I am sooooo confused and lost at the moment.

Thank you for the webiste.  I will have a read of it.  Any information and help is good and very much appreciated.

[coffeegirl]

Hi @Yuki

You definitely need to look after yourself too. Many of us have to consciously create self-care plans to make sure we take time for us and get whatever we need (whether that be time to ourselves and/or our hobbies, or to seek professional support).

I have found professional help important. While we do talk about me and how I'm doing, they also give me strategies and advice on how to communicate with the person I care for.

I think you said it perfectly when you said - 'I want to be here for him and I don't want the relationship to end, I want to help him and support him'

I'm sure you've framed it that way with him before, but I find stressing that I just want what's best for them, they can't be angry at your intention. I also emphasise that they can get better, they don't have to put up with the lows and together, as a team, you can explore the best way to do that.

Sadly, a lot of people have had bad or unhelpful experiences with professionals, but they aren't all the same. There's nothing wrong with 'shopping' around. For some people, when they realise this, it's quite empowering that they have control on what works and what doesn't work for them and therefore can pick and choose their treatment.

I hope this helps....

[Shaz51]

Hello @coffeegirl, @Yuki, @Faith-and-Hope, how are you today ??have been thinking of you , hope you are ok

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Shaz51, Yuki, coffeegirl

I'm okay ... have been a bit down with a virus but taking a lot of time to rest. It's great to feel like part of this community and that others are thinking of us.

Thanks for being there, and asking.

Yuki, coffeegirl, I hope you guys are going okay too 🌺

[Shaz51]

Great to hear from you @Faith-and-Hope

hope you feel better soon

my hubby is a bit anxious about tuesday when we ge the results from his scan and blood tests , but apart from that we are ok

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks Shaz51

All the best for Tuesday, and with keeping hubby distracted till then 😏

[Shaz51]

thank you @Faith-and-Hope

Yes My hubby has done nothing all weekend

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Yuki

Have things picked up for you at all ?  How are you going ?